applepie

Alright, so I just deleted everything that I've been writing and I've decided to talk about what is really on the brain. I'm supposed to take my midterm tomorrow, and I'm halfway through my final class. I'm doing a happy dance about that. Sure I'm stressed about my midterm and all, but that isn't really what is getting to me. I have this rage chewing at my heart right now, and then there is added guilt for feeling so angry.

As I've already mentioned in my blog, my daughter's first birthday was this past Saturday. We had a good day, but, much to my sadness, no one in my family other than my parents, who were here, and my sister even acknowleged her. My Uncle Doug and his wife remembered as well, but none from my dad's side. This also happens at Christmas, my son's birthday, and even my own birthday. Now, I have a large family. Not as huge as some, but pretty big. I grew up with everyone close. We all got together at holidays, birthdays, and just about any other time we could come up with a reason. For many years we met once a week for dinner.

About five years ago, I move out here to Washington, and it is as if I ceased to exist. I don't recieve calls from anyone, and I'm lucky to get a Chrismas card from my grandparents. My niece is never forgotten, but no one can trouble to remember my son come his birthday or the holidays. Now the same seems to be happening with my daughter. No one even said a thing when my daughter was born, and her birthday passed without mention. My children aren't old enough to know the difference, but it cuts at me that no one cares enough to even acknowledge that they exist.

I feel that I am doing my part to try and sustain a relationship. I call whenever possible, and I'm always sure to call and send cards and such at the holidays. I've sent Christmas gifts to everyone each year I've been out here. I've never forgotten my younger cousin's birthday... I think that I'm doing my best. It is painful to remember them and not have the same in return. When I call all I hear about is how much they miss us, and how they can't wait until we move home. They can't wait till the kids are there to stay, they miss and love us so much. If this is the case, why can't they remember something like my children's birthdays? I don't care about my own, honest. I'm an adult, and if I never recieve another card or phone call then that is fine and I'll deal with it. It isn't fair to my kids to be treated like they don't exist.

I'm due to move home in less than 6 months or so. When I get there, everyone will be all over my kids and seeming to care, but I'll not be able to forget their treatment in the past. I'm not one who is good at giving up a grudge, and this whole situation has pricked me. I'm insulted and hurt that the people who claim to love us only act as if we live when they can see us. How do you walk back into a family that behaves that way as if everything is fine? I'm not too sure that I can do it. My own grandparents and my uncle who helped to raise me as a child even behave this way. If I were to forget my cousins b-day then it would be a big dramatic scene, but they have no care of us. I hate to hang onto resentment, but I can't seem to help it. I don't trust them to not hurt my children, and it makes me want to stay away and never subject either to the hypocritical lot of them.

How do you get past something that has rubbed you raw for years? I'm tempted to just forget the whole group and not worry over it, but then I feel guilty for hurting them. It is exceedingly difficult to not stoop to the same level and just forget everyone come the holidays. I just know it is going to make me feel ill to watch everyone fawn over my children when they only show care for them if they are physically present. What type of love is it when it is only present if you are there in body? How do you forgive people who you now tend to think are two faced and fake? How do you rebuild a relationship when you're not even sure it is what you wish?

Talk about happy thoughts for the night... I can't seem to help it, and I needed somewhere to vent. I'm off to bed, and maybe my dreams will be a little more pleasant than they were yesterday. Being angry gives me disturbing dreams full of rage. They don't make for a good night. Hope everyone else is having happier thoughts.

Take Care,
Meg