The Nation of the Glorious Turnip

Once upon a time, in a galaxy very much like our own, (unless you are from another galaxy) on a planet, coincidentally, called Earth, there was a piece of paper known simply as ‘Bob’.


The origins of ‘Bob’

On a mild autumn afternoon in 2006, Bob was fabricated in a paper mill, not unlike the billions of clones worldwide. An A4 standard size piece of white paper, he was destined to end up in a copier or printer, however, ‘Bob’ was not like his paper fellows. That evening, ‘Bob’ was to be packaged and sent away. In what can only be described as an act of Bob, ‘Bob’ became sentient at the packing center of the paper mill. The first thing ‘Bob’ saw was the cardboard box he was to be loaded into, along with 499 of his non sentient brethren. In an amazing feat of skill, ‘Bob’ managed to slide under the door, towards freedom. Somewhere out there, there is a box with only 499 sheets of paper, a silent testament to ‘Bob’s cunning escape from the paper mill.

Bob wandered the countryside a little, and got a full 50 meters away from the mill as the wind caught him and brushed and crumbled him into a tree. This tree was shocked to recognise a small part of his cousin in ’Bob’ and this left it traumatized for the rest of its life.

‘Bob’, not knowing what the tree thought, wanted to leave the tree, but had no way to move, since he was impaled on a little twig at the end of a big branch. So ‘Bob’ waited, and waited, slowly getting alone with his thoughts, feeling a little anxious about his newfound existence as a sentient piece of paper.

“Paper that waits should not have any form of internal dialogue, or it will go mad. If paper goes mad, will it change colour? What if paper goes postal and gives someone a paper cut, will it go to jail, or get thrown into the trashcan? What about the hamsters from outer space?”

These thoughts kept poor ‘Bob’ up all night, and in the morning, when he was about to fall asleep, Bob was suddenly aware of a slight gust of the morning breeze, and looking up, he saw his first sunrise, prompting ‘Bob’ to comment

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHH, IT BURNS, IT HURTS!!!!!!!”
“Shut up, it doesn’t burn, it doesn’t hurt, why wake me this early in the morning!”
The twig upon which ‘Bob’ had been impaled looked at him with its angry, beady eyes,
“You’re not a vampire, you’re a piece of paper, not even a big piece of paper, paper doesn’t just burn in the sun, Trust me, I know, do you have any idea how much paper I see each day?”
‘Bob’, baffled by the fact that the twig could speak, was too surprised to reply, and the twig immediately continued his rant.
“TONS! And none of it matters to me, it’s all paper anyway, but I do know paper doesn’t speak, so what it is up with you? I’m Bob by the way, what should I call you?”
“’Bob’ is who I am, a piece of paper is what I am, a shining piece of virgin white paper.” Smiled ‘Bob’ as he looked again at the sun, feeling a little crisp around the edges.
You’re not white you fool; you’re green with purple strips! What have you been smoking, or would that leave burn marks?” Bob started laughing. “ Ha, you don’t even know your own colour!”
“I do, I was white yesterday!” What happened to him, what made ‘Bob’ change colour? Did he go mad already, or did the thought itself made him change colour, and if so, would his other thoughts become true too?

Join ‘Bob’ and Bob next time, and maybe you will find the answers to these questions… and more.


Next time

Meanwhile, not far from the paper mill, a man had left his home and angry mother to go on a quest for the paper mill. There was a tree there that had to be cut down because it was annoying to the daughter of the paper mill’s boss. The daughter was a little spoiled, but Bob didn’t really care, because she was hot as hell, and he wouldn’t mind cutting down a tree for her, he said to himself: “The daughter is a little spoiled, but I’ll cut down a tree any day, because she is hot!” and picked up the pace, his feet pounding away on the soil as he walked firmly towards the tree, his axe at the ready.

A half hour later, the tree was out of its ‘Bob’ induced misery, and would soon join its cousin as paper. ‘Bob’ and Bob were free, and together they could move on the wind, and away they sailed toward bigger and better adventures.

This concludes the brief history of ‘Bob’, and it is the beginning of something new, the beginning of…

…THE ADVENTURES OF ‘BOB’ THE PIECE OF PAPER AND HIS SIDEKICK BOB, THE TWIG.

Look for them here, or anywhere, at least in someplace where they can be found, one day!