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Does anybody remember that old song that goes something like this; "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going to eat some worms!" ? I am forgoing the worms but other than that...everything else applies. Whether it is true or not. When I was little my mother, sister and I had this really goofy birthday tradition. On the special day, the birthday girl got sung to by the others, usually as out of tune and loudly as possible. Since my mother died, my sister and I carry this tradition on...and I really hate singing in front of anybody. But I do it, because this is what we do.

So, the 13th was my sister's birthday. I steel myself up, clear my throat and make the call. I start with the singing as soon as she answers the phone, and she interrupts me with "No, no, I don't want you to sing". I am a little confused, so I start again. "Stop, I don't want you to do that" she says. I ask her if anything is wrong, and she says yes. I ask what, and she says she isn't going to discuss it with me, in a really snippy tone. So, I'm like "Oh. Er, how is your puppy?" "Fine" she replies in a tone approximately 30 degrees fahrenheit. Then she is all bye, gotta go, and then hangs up.

I hang up the phone and say " I am never f**king calling her again" to my boyfriend and start crying. I have to remember that whatever is wrong, I could not have been responsible for it, and that she either will call another time with an explanation or...who knows. Whatever.

I constantly feel as if I am always doing and saying the wrong thing...with everybody, and that I am always alienating people. I am always ashamed of myself...just for breathing sometimes. It is extremely easy for me to feel that everybody dislikes me, because I dislike myself. I know intellectually that I am a.) not all that bad and b.) not important enough for the whole world to hate. I know this on an intellectual level but in my heart I feel that I am some unworthy, despicable person. I am not a fake, but there are two parts of me. One part is fun, witty sociable. The other is always waiting for disaster to happen and is filled with despair. Sometimes I just don't know what to do....