Captain Pike's Ship Log II

I flunked out of the middle of my sophomore year in college. I had a girlfriend at the time who was having no problem academically. Rather than move home, I stayed around to try to find a job in the area. This way I could stay near my girlfriend. I had had a job as a theater projectionist when I was in high school, so even though I didn't have a projectionist's license, I was able to get an interview at a prestigious old cinema in town. They liked me right off, they assured me I could obtain my license while working for them. The only thing was, they needed somebody right off to fill in at a small theater next to the mall. This was only slightly disappointing to me until I found out it was a porno theater. It was kind of a trick they played on me: I was actually an employee, and showed up for my first day of work before I realized what kind of movies they were showing at the little hole in the wall cinema. And if that weren't enough, it turned out that the pay here was less as well. Still, I needed a job, and this would only be a short-term commitment. Soon I would be a licensed theater projectionist and would be working at the great old theater downtown.

It's a funny thing working at a porno theater. You have a divided clientele. The largest group of customers you have is very much what you might think. Middle aged men alone and rather shy acting. It's pretty much the same bunch week after week. I'm a pretty affable guy, if I'm going to work at a place I'd just as soon be friendly and get to know my customers. The funny part about this is you must never recognize them outside the theater. I was told by Art, my boss, never, never act like you know any patron of the theater you see walking down the street or in a store. If they walk up to you and start talking, well, that's fine. Most folks that subscribe to this type of product might just as soon that their family and friends not know about it. The other extreme is a lot less common, but still, a distinct entity. This is the giggling young couple. Usually the girl acts very shy, almost hiding her face, while the guy seems tough. These couples typically leave early in the first feature.

Week after week went on, and I still was told to report to the porno theater for work. I did take the test and received my projectionist license. Every company has a personality. I really began to loath the parent company. They had a policy called the Barbara System. On the wall there was a list of Barbara's. Barbara Anderson, Barbara Bates, Barbara Clark, and so on, a list of probably 20 names, all with the first name Barbara. After each name, there was a coded message. For example, after Barbara Anderson, it said "call in with ending ticket number". There were other messages such as "shipment delay two days", and "call in to central office". Essentially, it was a mechanism to defraud the phone company. You were not to accept any collect call for Barbara anybody. Also, the upper management, whom I never met, seemed paranoid. Art told me several times, if he happened to be leaving early -- leaving me alone -- to watch out because the company sometimes sent in someone posing as a customer. Supposedly, this imposter would perform his own headcount to compare to that which we phoned in. The idea was, to prevent any skimming from the till or letting people in for free. I don't think this idea would have ever occurred to me. But the more Art harped on this, the more my mind began to explore ways of stealing from the company. The company knew the starting and ending ticket numbers, so it seemed like the only thing you could do was to let a friend in for free. But this idea that someone would actually be paid to come to the movie theater and pretend to be a customer seemed to indicate that at least the company thought there must be some way they could be ripped off. The bottom line was that the money collected for ticket sales had to jive with the number of tickets you used up. My disgust with the company grew. I began to rationalize that the cost of fuel driving to and from work was hardly paid for by my meager salary. Actually, I think it was more likely that my increased booze consumption was the problem. Perhaps my going from being a college student to a porno projectionist was getting harder and harder to live with.

I latched upon an idea. Whenever I sold a customer a ticket to the movie, I took his money and reeled off a ticket, tore it in half, handed him one half, and put the other half into a little slot. I revised this procedure. When a customer bought a ticket, instead of inserting his stub half into the little slot, I kept it in my hand. Then when the next customer came in I only pretended to reel off a ticket and rip it in half. Instead, I simply mimed the reeling and ripping routine and gave him the stub end of the previous customer's ticket. Each time I executed this alternate procedure, I netted the cost of a ticket, I think it was around four bucks. The first run, I was pretty nervous, I only did it once -- what if the company's scout was in the audience? A couple of days went by and there was no consequence. The next time I pulled my scam three or four times. I didn't want to get cocky, I figured, if I kept it to a dull roar, I could probably get away with it. Right away, this employment arrangement seemed much more equitable. There was one big drawback to this plan, I hadn't imagined. We were not supposed to run the movie unless there were six or more customers -- there was a little sign on the wall saying this. One time, my little flimflam resulted in there being nine persons physically in the theater, ready to watch the movie, but on paper, I'd only sold five tickets! The worst thing was, I had already started up the movie before I calculated the headcount. I was in trouble now, when I tell them the ending ticket number they're going to know, what could I do? I was considering buying a ticket myself when two more old guys came in and bought two seats -- that had been a close one. My stomach was so upset -- I hated my job.

It was clear then that I was not suited for a life of crime. It actually took some more lessons in the school life before that point would be truly driven home.