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Hmm...I don't know...

ahhh. that darn self-alienation problem again. allow me to randomly throw out some ideas to provoke you to consider your "predicament" differently, perhaps. the question you posed is one involving a difference of degree. we all struggle with our own existence, which is tied in part to what some philosophers like John Paul Sartre call "being-for-others." i recommend his No Exit book, which touches on this existential problem of "dentity, that age old question that's baffled philosophers. or, as a singer from A Chorus Line aptly put it with his sad, dejected ode, "who am i, anyway?" individuals think that they are somehow outside the world, that they are separate from others. we're programmed. it's a grand illusion, a mental trick. peel back the layers and see, nature holds up a mirror for us to look into, and from it we see who we are. consider peter gabriel's song, "i love to be loved." love and loving is a basic human need which is why aristotle was right when he said that we are social animals. so, looking beyond ourselves for the form of affirmation is normal, and part of the ancient quest of being human. this weight that we bear involves a host of psychological challenges, some which we're unprepared to deal with. hence, prozac and zoloft. i don't see you as being ashamed so much as having not found "the" way to deal with the problem. i don't encourage drinking, but i will say that even the alcoholic has had his or her "moment of clarity" under the influence, sadly enough. i prefer red myself. i'm no sage and can't tell you the answer to why you're scared meeting people, because if i did it would be my answer. so then: search, lament, be open, cry, take a bow, try again.

Hey, Lyn, I can relate to this thought. I used to feel very insecure in social gatherings, and would basically keep my eyes lowered, so as to avoid any eye contact. But, one day I thought to myself (the same kind of pattern you wrote about). And I thought "I am every bit as good as any one else" so I tried to force myself to come out of the shell. It wasn't easy, and I sort of pretended that I was more out-going than I really was, but bit by bit I did overcome some of the 'lack of self-worth' feeling, and it wasn't so bad afterall. But a word of advice, don't lean on the alcohol too much for an alter-ego to 'do the talkin' -- could land you in crazy situations...

As Elaine Benes exclaimed to George Costanza, "What did your parents do to you?" I knew exactly what she was talking about, it was what my own crazy parents did to me. After a certain age I realized, however, that I was getting uglier, and my social skills were not becoming any more polished, so I hardly ever think about embarrassing myself anymore, I assume it's a given I will say or appear crude and unrefined. That's what's so great about journalism, you can buff out the clumsiness when writing about a party you went to.