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This entry was painful to write but I do hope this may be helpful as a slice of life and that's it's not all roses and sunshine but God continues to be still good. (NOTE: This was typed last but I wanted to forwarn the reader.)

There was a forum entry on the topic that I started to post to when I got to rambling. Imagine that!

Some soul searching took place.

The Drama Queen was beaten and threatened to have their candy bar ration cut. Easily done--this pay day went too fast.

This is a demon that's actually for me easier to share then at least five running sores I constantly write AROUND in these informal memoires. I'm selfish enough to want to hang on to the esteem I possess here (though secretly wishing I could be admired on the Virgil/Pendragon level or even Robinhood 3000 plateau.)

Right off the bat (for the newcomers). I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ (with a Baptist doctrinal perspective--the o-l-d tiime Baptists that is as the modern age thinkers of that line of thought have been steadily diluting the Westminister Confession of Faith for years. Major bone of contention for me is that there may be free will but IT has no power independant of the Holy Spirit to put it in its simplest form.

So I take the taking of one's life very serious as to its consequences--for the person and their people about them.

It often is done in a spirit of despair where all the person sees is the darkness and the trials and tribulations instead of the silver lining in each cloud. When unsucessful it causes a chasm of distrust and uncertainty. Will the person try it again? Did I cause it? Did I miss signs it was coming? Could I have prevented it? The unanswered and unanswerable questions can torment. I have spent years seeking God's peace in this area.

The despair examples from personal experience was an almost successful attempt by my mother which is blogged awhile back in detail. I believe I entitled it The Sock Drawer if you care to peruse.

The other hits even closer to home. In 1986/87 the long suffering wife had a lady at church that was fairly new to the congregation and she and Ruth became VERY fast friends. Ruth and I make acquaintances easily and people seem to like us but very few become more then that. I'm used to it after all these years and have been a bit hardened to it unfortunately. I'm a loner by experience and inclination. Overnight it was Zoe this, Zoe that. For about three months they were inseparable. She even tried to get me to buddy up with the husband but I had a mild distaste for him--he seemed a bit cold and distant and I had no desire for a carbon copy me to bond with.

Then out the blue with absolutely NO transition period Zoe dropped Ruth like a spent bullet. Ruth called, wrote letters to no avail and I got real tired from the whining because I always found Zoe a bag of wind for the most part (but I had kept that to myself). This desertion simply fed Ruth's insecurity until one day I came home from another day of protecting the civilians from the rest of the world to find her covering her wrist. She had done a bad job of it and in my shock, horror and anger remember rather nastily telling her how to do the job right. Those that know what I'm talking about will know. Those that don't please enquire no further. Things were tense for awhile. The healing took longer then it should have. It took me a long time to forgive as I took this action as a reflection on my inability to KEEP someone's love--all those times being choice #B losing out to married men all the time left me twisted. This is freely confessed. I'm a hypocrite in many things but my bad attitudes & unChristian attitudes I hope are not among them. Over the years God is slowly turning the heart of stone to flesh. She actually took the kids for a week and visited her old college roommate (who called and assured me that Ruth loved me --more than Zoe at least small comfort at the time. My week of bachelorhood was one movie (Silence of the Lambs--whatever year it came out--that's when this occured--too lazy to look it up) and reading to my hearts delight without guilt. Ruth really hated the comics the first years of our marriage.

She's been fine and has never done something like that again and I assure you I have sinned against her more then most would tolerate.

So suicide--personal, ugly and hard to overcome. I was blessed. Still have Mom--mixed blessings there and the long suffering wife is still here. We love each other anyway.

She is an overlooked jewel in my opinion and I've been more and more cognizant of it; especially after surviving my own crisis late 2005/early 2006. That's one of the running sores I refer to but have no plans to blog ANY time soon.