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Illness

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by
Countess
, 07-17-2007 at 10:25 PM (1941 Views)
I feel like I need to reveal some things about myself because who I am can best be understood in historical context. (God, doesn't that sound scholastic??!!)

I was diagnosed with major depression at 16 and that was upgraded in college with Bipolar Disorder. In an attempt to "self-medicate" I had developed an addiction to drugs/alcohol, so I got thrown in the "Dual-Diagnosis" section of the psychiatric ward.

My last institutionalization in Dec was my sixth institutionalization. Suicide attempts, self-mutilation and eating disorders are what sent me w/in the walls.

I've been on a merry-go-round of psycho-pharmaceutical coctails for over 15 years. Right now I haven't any insurance and the state is funding me, but they are limited in what they can do and the drug isn't helping much (as you can see).

I'm really tired of it. FWIW, the prognosis is poor. Know why you never hear of 75 year old Bipolar individuals? Because they don't exist. They're all dead, either from suicide, drug/alcohol addiction, or health issues related to smoking and drug/alcohol addiction.

I have such wonderful role models and mentors.

My parents are in Va floating blissfully down the river in their sailboat. My son has been floating with them a few times, has spent hours playing video games with my brother in Kentucky (and having a great time) and is now having fun with his father in NC.

I see how happy he is without me - much happier and more stable. He doesn't have to feel responsible for his momma, for helping her, or having to deal with her depression.

He and my parents have been gone for two months now, leaving me here completely alone.

If there is a silver lining with brain cancer, it is in the ability of doctors to remove the diseased portion of the brain and with God's blessing thereby restore health.

But they can't take this out of me because I am the disease; I am the dysfunctional organ; there is no part or particle of me that doesn't dance to its tune. It gives its edicts and I resist; it gives its edicts, and I obey. It tells me what to do, it thinks and it feels for me. I can never be free from it until I die, and it is deadly.

I don't want pity. I just want people to understand, so when I act against logic or appear irrational, you understand why. It's because I'm not sane.
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Comments

  1. kiz_paws's Avatar
    I have a couple of people very close to me who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, both are on totally different drugs to keep things 'in working order'. It is terribly painful for everyone involved, but we have to keep going. I got a shiver when I read what you said about not hearing about elder people with this 'affliction' ... let us hope that quality of life improves for everyone involved, Countess. I think that you are very very brave for just openly discussing your problems like this, but never ever beat yourself. You are one of a kind, probably one of the most intelligent people I have ever had the privilege to 'rub shoulders with'. You just hang in there, though we are in cyberspace, we here actually DO care. Remember this, Countess. And sorry to repeat myself, but a warm welcome back! Love Kizzo
  2. mtpspur's Avatar
    I admire your candor. I sympathize with your troubles and still hope for the best. The wife wishes you peace with God in the Lord Christ for healing. Her faith is actually stronger then mine and always has been. With affection Rich
  3. GrayFoxDown's Avatar
    What's the long and short of all of this? Do you still plan to kill yourself? ( I've known a few people who committed suicide and also witnessed their "departures": it wasn't pretty). Or do you merely want to descend into apathy; going to sleep each night with the hope of never waking-up again? But many of us at Lit.Com will miss you very much because we've come to like and admire you very, very much. I'm sorry if this sounds incredible to you...it's nonetheless true. Please take care of yourself and be well.
    Your Friend,

    Michael...

    PS: Countess (Tanya), If you would, stay away from those morbid sites you seem to enjoy that celebrate Death. Vampires, zombies, werewolves, witches and mystics, and all related ghouls and goblins, aren't and shouldn't be for you: an intelligent, gifted woman like yourself belongs in the land of the living...and with us.
  4. Virgil's Avatar
    No pity, Countess. I understand. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. Just remember, it's never as bad as you think it is. That's your depression talking. Reality is never as bad as depressed people see it. (It's also never as good as flaming optimists see it, or whatever the opposite of depressed is.) It sounds like you've been missing company and are a lonely right now. I wish I could help you more than this.
  5. Bakiryu's Avatar
    I understand. I myself have BDD, Bipolar Depression and tend to self-mutilate. It's not like you can just STOP. And besides, nobody in this world is truly SANE, everybody, even if they don't show it is a little crazy. Jin
  6. SleepyWitch's Avatar
    hey old Countess, I'm glad you're back. sorry i didn't post in your "Leaving" thread.. going through a rough patch myself (nothing serious, don't worry)

    who's the guy with the brush stuck under his nose? is it Orlando Bloom? i didn't recognise him at first, thought it was your boyfriend or some bloke you know...
    i hate moustaches (not that I like Orlando Bloom -if that's really him- but that THING really disfigures him!)
    here's a pic of a funky caterpillar in my parents' garden
    http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o...aterpillar.jpg

    hey, i saw a perfect set of man-boobs in real life yesterday (of course they came in a shirt, with a bloke attached to them, but I'm not telling you who it was).. aaaargh, you've caused my brain some irreversible damage there! i'd never have realized the guy has man-boobs, if you hadn't coined that term... great... you've set me drooling over guys i wouldn't normally think about in any but the most innocent way..... booohooo my innocence (such as it was) is lost

    anyway... about those ladies in the pool not looking at you etc.. I know exactly what you mean...
    the other day i went on a Geography field trip and there was a whole gaggle of silly girls... the first day 2 of them talked about all the parties they'd been to together and how they got really pissed there etc... from what I could gather they'd been to around 5 parties together lately (which is more than I go to in 10 years... i don't mean friends' birthday parties but disco/clubbing/students' union party thingies).
    the next day, it turned out they didn't know each other at all! over lunch, one of them asked the other "So where do you live now? How long have you been together with Matt, how did you get to know him?"
    I was like ooookaaaayyy, which part did I miss? could we rewind to yesterday???
    one day they pretend like they're best friends and the next day it turns out they hardly know each other!
    the really sad part is, that 90% of Geography students are like that! all they seem to do in their free time is drink and they have tons of "friends" who they don't know anything about, not even where they live etc!

    i find that really depressing and I don't have Bipolar or any other disorder (except that I'm totally nuts, of course, but that's not a disorder )

    about your writing: just because some jerks didn't like your stories doesn't mean you're a bad writer. if you can't impress jerks, that's because they are stupid, not because you're a bad writer
    which reminds me, I've still got your Julian novel saved on my comp and need to finish reading it... I'll try to do it over the summer.
  7. 's Avatar
    Countess,
    I am very sorry that I never saw your blog before, so please let me apologize for that. That wasn't inattention; I just haven't gotten to this site very often. But it has been often enough to see your novel, and now the very first poetry entries down below, and also twice before to hear your cries of anguish, so I have a lot of catching up to do. First of all, never doubt that you can write. Maybe the answer is already here, but do you have an agent? And have you submitted your pieces and received any feedback, other than here on the Web? I don't think you should be hiding your candle under a bushel, as the saying goes.
    Second, but much more important, now that that is out of the way, I am exceedingly sorry to read of your situation, and my heart bleeds for you, is the most honest way I can put it. It sounds to me like you know you can't treat yourself, and it sounds like you know that healing yourself requires outside professional help. It would be hard not to have learned those things with your history. And I know that advice to 'just stop doing that' or 'well, just try to get better' is not something you can respond to. So I don't quite know what to say except that maybe your continued presence as part of this empathetic fellowship may be part of helping you feel better. Certainly, please don't abandon us when times are 'down' for you. I think those are the times you need us most. And please share with us the times when you are 'up' because I am sure we will all like to hear of happy spots in your life. And please escape from the morbid to the extent that you can, and the self 'treatment'. Life does have two sides, a side that appears hopeless and bleak, and another side where hope and some degree of optimism can be found. Perhaps you can try for some baby-steps along that second path wherever you may find it. It will take some looking, but I think you can try; you seem to be intelligent and quite self-aware. For myself, I'll do my best to be here more often, trying to contribute to a warmer fuzzier environment for you. I hope that, somehow, all these words might help a little.
    Charles
  8. Niamh's Avatar
    Good to see you have come back honey. And i totally understand whats up with you. In fact i was getting very worried about you over the last few days. We may not know each other face to face countess but i class you as one of my good friends here on litnet, and the last thing i would want is for something to happen to you. I also agree with Michael.. Stay away from everything morbid, think of life and living. See the beauty in all that is living and relish the feeling! I'm here if you need me.
  9. 's Avatar
    Countess, I have two very close relatives who deal with bi-polar and it does *not* have to be an 'early death sentence'. One is in their late 40's, the other 67 yrs and still kicking and screaming . . . . . . . But I'm sure you know that bi-polar is often a (albeit bittersweet at times) 'gift' of rare genius. The way that my relatives cope with the ups and downs is to embrace the downs too, wallow in them, don't deny them, because a big part of being depressed and or bipolar is 'anger turned inward' or, the denying of fundamental human emotions. And you certainly make great use of your positive days by writing and expressing your creativity! . . . . . . . Anyway, hang in there
  10. andave_ya's Avatar
    man, Countess...No pity, because that's something that can't be changed, but lots of love and prayers. I think I understand now why I'm so drawn to your writings -- intense feelings from the heart of an intelligent, sensing person draws any individual with a grain of life in his head. I've noticed that it's the people who have problems like that generally are the enduring artists because their whole person is focused on doing their art. Consider Beethoven, a stormy, troubled composer who lost his hearing and yet still composed beautiful music and gave glory to God. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if you're depressed and bipolar you're still a person that God made and loves deeply and has given talents to. At a church Bible Study two weeks ago my Pastor was talking about Paul and how he had prayed three times to ask God to remove his thorn in the flesh and God said "My grace is sufficient for thee." In Christ we are made whole! Much love and prayers in Christ.
  11. NikolaiI's Avatar
    Hello Countess, saw your blog a few days ago and just wanted to say hi, and let you know that your suffering is shared at least. I was never institutionalized, but I went through a time in my life when I was very miserable due to my psychological state. Eventually I figured out it was some kind of anxiety disorder, of the basic kind I guess but I had it pretty bad. I had a hell of a time with it, I couldn't talk, and I was nervous in any situation outside of my family or close friends, and then one time I couldn't be with my close friends, and that was terrible, though they were so good to me, like amazingly caring. But, I would go into a store or something and almost black out, everything would get strange. Anyway I got over it I guess. I never had a problem being alone, but with others I wasn't very stable. That's the worst for me. I never had bipolar disorder, but I've known seven or so people who had it, and I've had 3 close friends/ family members. So I know what that can be like, and actually my mother's side of the family is full of diagnosed and undiagnosed mental disorders, including some of the worse ones. Anyway this is getting pretty long, so I'll just say that I sympathize and wish you well.