Imported Poems

Many have asked me about the term man-boobs. Let me explain.

Up to this point, the history of man-boobs has been primarily negative. The origin of the word is Latin and means "One who should wear a bra". In the past, it has been assigned to those corpulent gentlemen whose mammaries hang and bounce as they walk down the beach in their Speedos, much to the horror of onlooking spectators.

But I have decided to reclaim the term from those who would use it to describe such a grotesque abberation of nature, and instead have chosen it as the word which best represents the summit of the ideal.

Let me explain the dichotomous philosophy.

On the male, boobs are evaluated along a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, we have the classically chisled male, with pecs of steel to compliment his abs of steel, kneecaps of steel, and chin of steel. On the other end of the spectrum, we have the more modern adipose man, with man-boobs to compliment his large spare tire, arthritic knees and double chin.

Now, most consider the former the ideal, but have you ever tried to cuddle with a cold, hard, granite statue? When it's cold at night, do you really want to snuggle with that Greek bust in the corner? Probably not. But likewise, it's equally disturbing to hug a human-size marshmellow. One could get lost in there.

For me, the ideal lies between the two extremes. For me, a man has reached this summit when he's worked his pectorals to the point that they're full/swollen, but there remains a modest layer of fat tissue over it, which allows for the conduction of blood to the surface, creating a warm sensation. Besides, a small amount of subcutaneous fat is squeezable, kinda like little man-handles on the side.

So, in short;

Greek statues: nice to look at; not so nice to touch.
Marshmellows: okay to touch, not so nice to look at (horrible sometimes, actually)

Man boobs: Man-handles: nice to look at, nice to touch.

Thus Spaketh Countess in "The Philosophy of Man-Boobs". Soon to Come: "The Philosophy of Man-handles and Lilac-Lines".

PS: Funniest thing I saw today: an old government scare-tactic video about LSD. Showed a guy rolling his eyes and quacking like a chicken. Only in government movies do LSD users see swirling chicken cut-outs, roll their eyes and flap their arms. I would tell you about the rest of the movie, but I was too busy laughing hysterically...