Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Just like the title says. I'm spiraling into a deeper depression than I've had before, and for longer too. I feel so sad, but mainly lonely. I can't talk to Tom anymore and I can only say so much to mum. I just feel so lonely, and sad.
I didn't really feel like going to Toms. Last night (I think, or the night before) I dreamed that he was coming to my house and I didn't want to see him so I left before he came. But then I felt guilty. I felt sorry for him so I tried to get back but I couldn't because all of this weird stuff happened that I can't exactly remember.
Mum and I put the tree out and mum got her slippers wet .
It was somewhere near 2:45ish before I got to Toms. I got him to tell me how his trip went. Perhaps I should have waited until my mood was more stable and I was well out of my depressed mood swing but I wanted to know.
First he told me that he went to Heathrow and had no problems (Considering that people are still receiving their bags after that fog before). He had to get a flight to Chicago and then get a connecting one to Memphis (Where She lives). It was there that he ran into trouble.
He said that while waiting for his cases at the airport he met a woman that he says looked a bit like me and she started talking to him. She was in her early 20's (Can't remember the exact age). Kind of spooky.
He gave his cases to the baggage handlers and told them to be careful because it had the presents he bought for Alison and her family. Then the baggage handlers proceeded to toss it to one another to put it on the plane, in front of him (Something that I found hilarious).
Then at Memphis he met Alison and his cases didn't arrive. He said he had to wait two days. Two days of wearing the same clothes (Though he said he was offered someone else’s but he politely declined). When they found his cases they first tried to deliver them to the wrong address .
Now I am going to tell you something that Tom will kill me for doing, as he said that he told me in confidence (Only because he didn't want me to tell my mum, though I did) at the moment I really don't care. I'm in a rather emotionless state right now. Though I may have a change of heart later on.
on the first night it was about somewhere near 12 (Their time so he says it was a bout 3 our time) so he didn't get to "do " anything.
(I noted it down so I wouldn't forget the details.)

Those who are sensitive about "things" should not read any further. I won't go into any really intimate details (because I didn't want to hear them) but some of you might still not like it. If so please notify me and I will either tone it down or delete it if it causes that much discomfort.
Right (Tom is so going to kill me if he finds out I've put this on the World Wide Web ).
Okay. I'm not sure if I already told you but Tom's main reason for going there was to have intimate relations with Alison (An "experienced" person while he most certainly is not).
Okay. They attempted to do what he set out to do about 7 times he said (I say he said because he told me but some of it sounds rather unlikely or unbelievable).
He said Alison predicted he'd last about 15 minutes (What with it being his first time). I said I'd have predicted 10 (Because I really don't think much of him these days).
He claims that on his first attempt he lasted for 2 hours and succeeded in making her happy but not actually managing anything himself (All he got from it was a love bite he said, he claimed he'd received 2 love bites from her).
Now. He said that of the 7 times they attempted it they were interrupted 3 times, twice by her grandmother (Who coincidentally believes in the sanctity of marriage ) and once by Alison's cousin. On one day he succeeded in satisfying her twice and the last one he was also satisfied.
Mum told me that he'd given her the impression that he thought it was like it is on pornographic films. So I asked him if it was what he'd expected. He said it wasn't. He said it was awkward and not as intense as he'd expected. At this time I took the opportunity to heavily patronize him by saying something like "Yes, that's because in those films they do something called acting". I laugh at his foolishness. And I pity him. He's spent all that money going there, buying presents, getting money converted and it's not what he expected. I can't see why he had to lose his virginity to someone so far away when he could pay a female escort to do the honors for considerably less. What's worse is that he considers her his girlfriend and tries to rub it in my face. It doesn't work. He went on about how he "had a life", how he got a job, how he had a girlfriend, how he went somewhere (albeit to see her). He really is small minded and it's clear that his brain most definitely is not in his head (As I've often told him). I'm not stupid enough to waste my money on some whore that I've never even met when I can just as easily meet one here. It's pointless. Also he says he's planning on going back in may.
Now I see why he was dumb enough to quit college when he didn't have far to go. He needs to earn the money to go and see her. Mum and I think that she encouraged him to do it. If he'd talked to me about it then I'd have done my very best to convince him to stay, finish his education and stick to his plans. Perhaps that's why he didn't tell me. I think he's a fool. And I think he's ruined his plans to go to university. Since confiding in her instead of me he seems to have changed direction. I'm disappointed in him (As I've already stated).

Well, I feel cold now. The door's open and the central heating has turned off. Also I've been trying to fill in this entry on and off for about 6 hours, give or take and it's taken several mad killing sprees on GTA3 a carry on film and watching most of 6th sense to get me to hurry up and finish it; that and the fact that I felt I needed to fill this in because I'd have forgotten half of it by tomorrow morning. I fell a little less depressed now.
If Tom had any kind of sense, he'd have picked up on how cold I was towards him. I wonder. Could I really be jealous? I don't feel jealous. I feel angry. Angry and sad. But I don't know what jealousy feels like, not in an intense way. Could it be intense jealousy? I just don't know anymore. I'm almost sure it's not. If I think about it I've not actually got anything to be jealous about. So I couldn't be.
It's like I'm not entirely sure how I feel about things anymore. Things over the passed year have sent my usually rather unstable mood swings over the edge. There was Henry (my beloved cat, my baby, as I often called him. Tom changed towards me, several times (as mentioned in an earlier entry) and now the New Year is here I'm not sure if I'll be able to cope with it. If any more things drastically change I might not be able to handle it. Don't worry. By that I don't mean that I'm going to try something silly like kill myself. It'd be pointless. I said to myself a few years ago (when Tom told me he was seriously thinking of suicide, though he later admitted he was exaggerating slightly) I said to myself if in the future I get 5 or more of my novels turned down (Because I'll have actually managed to write them in the future) then I may just ever so slightly possibly think about it. That's think, not seriously consider. I'm in no hurry to end my life. When it's my time it's my time but I am determined that it won't be a time of my own choosing).
Now, I've depressed everyone long enough. A little spot of something lighter before I go.
Mum gave me 2 t-shirts for Christmas, both black and in the same style. One had a black cat and the other a red dragon with a rather happy, smug look on it's face. I decided to wear one today, as black rather matched my mood. I didn't mind which one, just the first one I picked up. It was the dragon. As soon as I put it on and went to see how it looked in the mirror I suddenly felt happy. I think it was the dragon's happy, smug expression. I knew it wouldn't last though, so I rushed downstairs to tell mum and give her a much deserved hug. I regret to say that my mood did go back to lonely and depressed after that. But at least I felt happy for a while .

Well, I'd better log off now. I'm cold, tired and I shouldn't get up too ;late tomorrow because I'll want to stay up late and then I'll want to sleep in on Monday .

A slightly more cheerful Bluebiird, out.