Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Well. He's dead. He died on my dog's birthday interestingly enough. She's 14 now. That's old for a husky. At points it felt like a race between the two of them. My dog has seen her birthday. My father didn't see his. I doubted he would. Late March seemed optimistic since it could also have only been a week when he told me.
It's very VERY windy here. I keep smelling dust now. The house is old and wind this strong must be blowing plaster and cement dust in through the cracks. My uncle called yesterday. Apparently he tried to call the day before but was only calling my Mum's phone. It was obvious. He didn't have her number and he'd only have one reason to call. He didn't want to call me because he wasn't sure how I'd react. I'm 33 years old but never mind. I appreciate the thought. I vaguely remember mum calling his phone when we were visiting my uncle one Christmas and I was very confused because it came up with my name. It was our home phone number but of course he wasn't living here so he wouldn't list that as home but I would so that's why it confused me. So I guess that's why my uncle didn't call the house. Because it has my name on it in my dad's phone.
I cried by the way. I couldn't not. I was already kind of low before the call. So I'm not emotionless. I don't want to cry again though. But it'll pop up. It always does.
I didn't go to see him again. Now I'll never see him again. The finality of it is what gets me.
As deaths go I think this one was pretty well set up for me at least. Steadily more estranged over the years. An incurable cancer diagnosis so a rough timer is set so that you know to say and do the things you want to do if you can. A warning that death is right round the corner now. And then death. Realistically it makes no physical impact on my daily life. I barely saw him. Barely spoke to him. The biggest hole he leaves is who do we call when something breaks? The emotional hole is different though but currently not as great as I thought it would be. There's a hint of relief. Ever since he told me death was imminent I've woken up every day and had a thought at one point or another every time I look at my phone. Today could be the day we get a call or message to say he's dead. I really can't stand that anticipation and anxiety. It's like when you're making toast and you think to yourself the toaster will pop soon so don't be startled. Then all you can do is focus on the toaster and the anticipation and anxiety build and even though you think you're prepared you still jump when the toaster goes but because you were so heavily focused on it it's somehow more startling. kind of like that but stretched out over an indeterminate period of time. Does that make sense?

First sadness.
Then slowly transitioned into annoyance and anger.
We'd just done shopping and were hungry. Then the call. Then I'm looking up how to cope with grief while she's still on the phone because we know. We just know. My mum hugs me a while and strokes my head. And then we have to look into trying to find my dad's extended relatives because of course he didn't have contact information so I'm trying to facebook some very common names and google map the address my Mum thinks they're at even though I know it's a colossal waste of time because we don't have enough information and missing a sweet dog adoption show. We caught the end on catch up an hour later, the couple adopted the puppy like we hoped, we hadn't seen the other dog's stories. I'd turned the tv off for the call because I felt we should be absorbed in the moment and not slightly distracted by cute dogs.
Mum called my uncle back for more information (the other son's name) and he remembered the correct house number so I google mapped it and we think it looks right so now we have to go there tomorrow to try to inform them.
If you think I'm estranged from my dad and uncle then that's nothing compared to the rest of them.
Some time back. I don't know when. Years. I mentioned a funeral. I wasn't sure if I should go but I knew what I'd wear if I did and I went (I'd called it mu funeral dress long before a funeral because it seemed smart and respectful and I'd only ever worn it for Halloween previously and black thermal leggings as it was cold and that way I didn't have to worry about socks (I prefer my legs to be covered but trousers with a dress would be weird and I really don't like tights and they seemed a bit formal somehow)). It was for my dad's aunt who I vaguely remember meeting once in my life as a teenager for a significant birthday party of hers that we were invited to when, predictably, my dad didn't go.
Then when my dads' other brother died we were tasked (by my dad) to go and inform them of the death, because we're closer geographically. We went. But she was out so we went next door because a relative lives next door but no answer there either so we left a note and she called later. She thought next door were in but they were having problems with someone so didn't open their door at all and basically did that whole Jurassic Park T-rex's can't see you if you don't move thing like we do when there's a knock on the door. (It's either people selling stuff or canvasing for politicians and if it's important, like a meter reading or a parcel, they'll leave a note and no one ever visits us so we're just not accustomed to answering the door).
Then we went to the funeral where, as I was now an adult, I tried quite hard to pay attention to these strangers so I could remember them later. No luck. I'm not good with faces and a lot of these people I probably haven't seen since I was a baby. So it should actually be that THEY hadn't seen ME since I was a baby.
And now we're tasked with trying to inform them of my dad's death.
People I don't know for someone I barely knew.

I'm not particularly angry but I'm finding comfort in the fact that if I try I can get angry at my dad if I want to. For when I don't want to be sad. Just think of the lie that wasn't actually a lie it just wasn't telling the truth for 20+ years and there's a little bubble to try and push the sadness aside for a little.
I've been quite matter of fact in the run up to this and I've decided to carry that on now.
There are practical concerns to deal with.
I'd already been thinking that I want to get his house keys. I don't want THEM having access to our house. I finally voiced that thought to mum yesterday. Little did I know that he was already dead. It makes sense for the keys to come home. I think they belong here. I know where I want to put them but I won't write it. You don't want people knowing where spare keys to your house are.

Originally MY keys were the spare keys. They were cut in my lifetime. I was there when we picked them up. They were cut so that friends could feed the cats when we were on holiday so they have the back door key too.
When I needed to have my own keys because I started getting the bus home and/or for emergencies, they became mine. They were cut from my mum's keys. I find that kind of special I think. But for safety my dad's keys need to come home. Then they can all be together under the same roof. My keys were cut after he moved out, so they've never lived together. So I want them to live together now. I need a moment here.

It comes and goes but I don't let it be for very long. I'm not in the mood to wallow.

I haven't been sleeping well. It's been quite a warm winter so far and now the wind and I've had digestive discomfort and now when I try to sleep I have to try not to think about it. You'll never see him again is not a helpful realization to suddenly have when you're trying to fall asleep.

Parents are supposed to die before their children.
Everything that exists in your life will be gone but if you're lucky you'll die before that happens.
But everything carries on. Millions of people die every day. Millions more are born.

Did I tell you that he popped into a dream briefly. Just turned up. Woke me up for a chat. Then the government launched rockets outside my window ro combat the storm (not just my window but those ones I could see really close) so we were evacuated and we parted ways with a kind of off he goes then to randomly drop in another time when he feels like it. Part of me thinks there's some supernatural spiritual element in this. He was saying goodbye (because, as it turns out, he was already dead by this point), he popped in for a visit, it was a sign of some kind. But the other part of me sees it for what it was. He's been on my mind a lot for the past 2 years and subsequently he's popped up in dreams and the closer we've been getting to March the more I've been thinking that he's going to die so he's been on my mind more so by coincidence anxiety dream meets death time-ish.

Did I tell you the dog was prescribed hydrotherapy?
We found a place a way away from us, nothing closer existed. A nice lady runs it. And Yui's been doing pretty well. I don't think she likes it. I don't know if she hates it. She shows no obvious signs of distress. I think she just puts up with it. But she likes the car ride to get there at least. And the interesting smells of many other dogs that have gone before her. We saw 6 swans last week. we got her a thick yoga mat to get her in and out of the car easier. She's not too steady doing it and it's a tight fit so now she has a sturdy cushion so she doesn't bang into hard things but it's not soft and deceptive so that it sinks when she puts her weight on it and it's not as solid as she thought.
I'd got one the week before for us to use for exercising because the floor is very wobbly. I hoped the thick mat could absorb some of the shock and also cushion our feet. Yes. OUR. I've finally got mum playing Ring Fit now and then too. It's sporadic. I haven't been playing lately and I've not been feeling good so I've started trying to get back into it this week.

Yu's mat isn't just used for the car. Her one spends the rest of the week under her bed to give her a little extra cushioning and has the added bonus of cushioning my feet when I sit in the chair. It's kind of warm too which is good because our house if very drafty especially at floor level.

On the subject of being drafty a while ago we could smell a strange smell. Turns out an unknown man was stood right outside our door smoking in the middle of the night. I put my shoes on to take the dog out to confront him but he'd gone. But there was stuff on the doorstep. Some time prior we'd seen it there and wondered if it was an animal. It looked like spit. Well it's only there when he's there. So the dirty bastard is hanging around outside our house in the middle of the night smoking and spitting like he owns the place. The next time he was sat on the step smoking. This time I leapt into action. Fumbled around in the dark to put the lead on the dog (wasn't going to put the light on and warn him) and got to meet him. He knew he was in the wrong. I'd planned what I'd say the first time we saw him but didn't meet. Semi-aggressive but understandably so in the circumstances so as not to be overtly rude. "Who the **** are you?"
He said he was just a neighbor. No name. He knew he shouldn't be there etc. Then off he trailed down the street. My responses were matter of fact. No you shouldn't. Well I have a dog to walk. i had my keys in my hand the whole time Just in case. And that was that.
It was a bit odd for the dog. She'd only been out the hour previous.
Well the other day I could smell smoke again and this time it wasn't tabaco he was smoking if you catch my drift. It's very common around here. It reeks. I flew into action again, getting my shoes on to take the dog out. But he left. I think he heard the dog getting up before I was ready. I took her out through and saw him wandering down the street. Been spitting again. I hurried us round the other way to see if we could confront him. It's for the best that we didn't see him on the way back. I had my little sword. (This is years and years back. We had riots going on in an neighboring area bur it didn't really hit us personally but for comfort when walking the dog i put a little replica sword keychain from the anime Bleach that my mum had got me for either birthday or Christmas. Tokyo Toys in Trocadero closed down a while ago now. Shows you how long ago it was. But at the time she'd go there. But she only really knew of two animes I watched so if it was a reasonably sized/priced thing then happy birthday/Christmas). So I've kept them in my pockets ever since. I've never planned to use them. They're blunt of course but probably have about the same stabbing power as a pen if you just thrust forward. Highly unlikely to kill unless you're unlucky enough to hit something vital. I just like to slip one out if I get a bit paranoid and feel it in my hand. It serves more as a distraction for me than as a weapon. But IF someone DID intend some kind of mischief then having a shiny pointy thing that COULD look like a knife might make them think twice. I usually have my hand up my sleeve. You don't want to draw attention to a thing that could look like a knife unless you REALLY have to because it could bring you trouble rather than averting it. i had one in each pocket but the smaller one snapped so I just have the slightly thicker one now. It is a touch more menacing of the two designs. I had one on my bag too with some other key chains but three would've been a but much but I did want to put them somewhere but didn't know where so when the coat idea came along it made sense. They weren't really on display but they still served a purpose.
Anyway. For comfort, and just in case (because I don't know what those junkies might be like. People on drugs can be dangerous after all and it IS a drug) I had the little sword in my hand, up my sleeve. Also, if need be I do need to sent a strong message to this guy. He thinks it's okay to hang around my house. If we let him keep taking liberties how bad will it get? But he knows where we live and is on drugs so if we offend him somehow then he could cause us trouble and I've looked into it. It's not a police matter unless he actually does something. So yeah. If I encounter him I need to clearly let him know that he is not ever welcome on our property but without making threats because they would be empty and might make things worse.

The first two times we knew he was there it wasn't even raining. It's still rude but at least if he were sheltering from the rain it would be understandable that he was at our door. But it wasn't. There was no reason for it. Last time it was raining a bit at least but still. You've already been caught and confronted. I naively assumed that having been caught out he wouldn't come back. But when he did I started wondering if I need to say to him very clearly please don't come onto my property again.
Now I put the hallway light on when I go to check the door, to assert dominance.
We've been having the light off since Christmas because it saves electricity and the lights were nice. Since the lights are gone we've already gotten into the habit of light off at night so I can see why you might think we weren't going to catch you at the the door.
Also if we have the light on the old lady across the road comes over (She shouldn't, her mobility is not good and we have high steps) to ask my mum to buy her cigarettes because the man she uses for his was away and her phone was broken or something. Yeah. No. We are not going out in the middle of the night to buy you cigarettes. You're old. Your health is ****ed. You happened to do this on the same day my father called me to tell me he will be dead within the week or month and I just confronted a trespasser smoking on my front doorstep. So no. We will not buy you cigarettes. Give up smoking. Then you'll have money to buy groceries. You know how she asked? C. I. G. S. And we have to take a moment to figure out why the **** she's spelling a word like there's a 3 year old you want to keep a secret from nearby and what the **** she's trying to spell then figuring out what the **** it means because we don't smoke so cigarettes doesn't jump to the front of our minds. So yeah. We may have been quite curt with her but it's understandable.

So yeah.
As you can see, I'm coping adequately for now.