Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Alternative title: A Depressed Narcissist?

I’m feeling bad right now.
I’ve been feeling down for a week or so, noticeably at least. Further internet searches, the kind of which I normally do during these times, suggests that I may actually have depression after all. Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t.

I wasn’t going to write about this whole thing we’ve been having, especially since plenty of other people had been voicing their opinion. But It’s relevant to my mood.

I’ve been feeling pretty vulnerable. I was a bit shaky yesterday and I wasn’t sure if I should vote. I’ve never voted before. I have a low opinion of politicians because they’re basically all the same. But for our place in the EU and therefore the future of my country I decided to vote. General elections come by every four years. But this. This was much bigger. Which is why I became very annoyed by politicians bringing out all of their cheap campaign gimmicks to remain/leave. It wasn’t a common or standard election. It was more and I felt it should have been treated as such. But I made a decision at the start and determined to stick to it.
But anyway. That’s enough of that. Back to the important thing. Me. (That's actually sarcasm but this blog is about my mood so not really sarcasm?)

If I wrote and/or talked about this at all I wasn’t going to say which way I voted, just because I didn’t want to get into any debates and to add a little mystery. It’s the first time I’ve ever voted so I might as well make it mysterious.

Well. It’s pretty obvious which way I voted if I suddenly feel so depressed by the outcome that I’m writing this to get my feelings out.

I feel anxious and uncertain, sick and overwhelmingly sad and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Mum’s watching TV across the room from me and I keep feeling a deep trembling inside me because, uncontrollably, I feel like I’m going to cry. That only happens when I’m really bad.
In case you don’t know why that’s significant. As a child I came to the realisation that I look very ugly when I cry, and also it’s annoying to others, so, if I could help it, no one will see me cry. Now and then over the years people have, but most of my crying is done alone and in the soothing darkness of my room. If I cry in front of someone it’s because I really can’t control it.

I’m not going to though. For now I can hold it in until the mood passes. I think I might stay sad for a while though. It’s not because of the result. I was already depressed. But this just cut me deeper than it would if I weren’t depressed.

Anyway. I have opinions about this whole EU thing but I won’t bore you with it. Now I’ve placed my first vote on something I don’t know if I’ll do it again. But, at the moment, despite how I feel about political parties during general elections, I think I might vote to try and keep certain people out of power. But that’s for me to worry about another time. Only I could be so narcissistic as to tie this huge thing in with MY depression.

Like I said. I’m only really writing this because I feel very depressed and I hoped that writing it up and maybe putting it out there I might feel a little better. I feel like a stake has been hammered through my chest…….And, having said that, I still maintain that I am not a vampire, despite the fact that I’m almost as pale as death and avoid the sun pretty much all of the time . I don’t like the taste of blood though .
A little addition of my bizarre humour to lift the mood and try to make me a bit happier there.

We’ll see how things go. Maybe it won’t be so bad.