Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Kind of bored. Had a read through of my last blogs. Decided to check in.
Lot of stuff has happened I guess. I'll try not to ramble too much.
Most prominent events since Christmas:
I went to a wedding in June
I've been teaching myself guitar for about 3 months or so but it's a secret

There were probably other things too.
So hang on. What's this about a wedding and a guitar? Why didn't you tell us sooner?
Well. I couldn't be bothered and in all honesty I'm kind of dissatisfied with the blogs these days. Ah I'm not complaining or anything. I just feel a bit disconnected. Most of the people I know have moved elsewhere or just don't blog (I don't visit the forums anymore) and I just don't feel sociable enough to get to know new people. Sorry about that. Social anxiety is a ***** even in cyberspace. I'm not trying to insult anyone here.

So. The wedding. I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for a year. Strange place. Dressing up nicely. Strange people. People in general. A lot of people. Conversation. Church? Reception. It was kind of a daunting prospect.
I planned an outfit. It didn't work out. Looked like a 50's school girl. Refused to accept any suggestions beyond I own ideal. But that's not the outfit I wore. Everything came together at the last minute and it looked good.

I'd never been to a wedding as an adult before so I was very anxious about the whole thing. There was no dress code on the invitation so I wasn't sure how smart to dress. I have been to weddings before but I was a child. I certainly didn't pick my own outfits and even if they were bad or if I acted improperly it could be forgiven because I was only little. So you'll understand my anxiety regarding the whole thing. My main aim was not to make the wedding photos ugly. Not to wear anything striking or out of place but not to be invisible either.
Also I was a little unsure about what a wedding guest should wear. You don't want to be too flashy in case you upstage the bride but you want to look like you've put some serious effort into it.
Also funds were and are a little tight. Yes. I'm still a parasite with no job. Did you really think that would have changed?
I planned to wear the black dress I got (I think it was two years ago now. Can't remember anymore). I've never worn it. It had to be a dress. I've only ever worn dresses for weddings and smart trousers didn't seem right, though I never usually wear a dress or a skirt. It's simple, plain and I figured I could add a little colour or sparkle to it to make it appropriate. My plans to add a ribbon looked terrible, so I didn't and some of my other plans were either too grand or too time consuming.
In the end I found a pretty blue butterfly scarf in Tesco, just before the wedding. I wore it kind of like a sash in a bow and it looked nice. Mum dug out an old blue cardigan that went well. I wore my graduation/cat maid shoes and some body shaping tights. Seriously. I don't know if the rest of the world call them tights but the name is very apt. Trying to get them on nearly cut off the circulation to my legs at various points but once they were on it was fine. They did a good job of sucking in my legs, rear and thighs so that I still had, let's say a large frame, but didn't have any unsightly bulges so as to look like a poorly stuffed sausage.

As a gift for the couple (Oh I forgot to mention that the bride is my cousin. She's one of the daughters of my mother's dead sister. I hadn't seen her or any of that branch of the family since the funeral some years ago, so we're not close, further enhancing my desire to make a decent impression) I made a 3d origami swan boat with an origami bride and groom. The invitation said no gifts but if anyone wished to give a gift money would be preferred/appreciated to fund the renovations to their home. So I wasn't sure if it was worth making the swan but I figured that it's an unusual item and that they could sell it on Ebay for a little something at least (mum deterred me from telling that to them though) and I figured If I'm ever going to make one it might as well be now because who knows when another wedding will come along I developed a hatred for the thing but it looked very nice when I was finished.

So we had to travel quite a way for the wedding but didn't have a dog sitter. Not really anyone to ask and even if we did we couldn't be sure of the care Yui would receive. If we took her to someone then she'd be in an unfamiliar place but no one could come here. We considered asking Napoleon but I well neither of us trusted him to dog sit properly. I doubt he'd walk her and if he just dropped in to check on her then left then it would excite her. So we left her alone with the TV on, deciding not to stay too late at the reception.

We left late. Originally I was ahead of mum but I couldn't get my hair to stay up the way I wanted. It was a simple style, just a ponytail with a grip to hold it up but it took several attempts to make the damned thing stay where I put it. I borrowed mum's "going out" bag. it's tiny so I could only fit in the barest essentials (one of them being a notebook and pen to write things for conversations if I had to repeat something often or if the reception was too loud). I planned to write "Bride's cousin" because I expected people to ask, if conversation was struck up, "So, how do you know the happy couple?" or something like that. It didn't.

We were late. On the way there I got ever more anxious. We made it to the church. Were lucky enough to find just one parking space outside. We were very late and wondered if it was worth attending the service. There's a point when it's just plain disrespectful. But it also seems disrespectful to skip the service and just go to the reception. Things were in full swing. The inner doors were shut. We tried to pull them open and sneak in. Someone standing nearby (I'm guessing a photographer) mimed pushing so we pushed the door open and crept to the side, trying not to be a disturbance, just in time for the vows (the really crucial bit). We were really pleased with that.
I'll admit that I personally was glad to miss the hymns.
I guess it's silly but I feel uncomfortable going into a place of worship, particularly church, because I'm atheist. So going into an building dedicated to an entity and belief that I don't believe in seems insulting to that religion. For that same reason I am uncomfortable with having to follow along with prayers and hymns. Even to bow my head seems inappropriate but not to is even more insulting to the faith and those who believe. But if you just go through the motions without believing at all it's insulting isn't it? I feel like I'm being insulting. I guess I've over thought the whole situation.

There was a lot of standing around outside. I just stuck with my usual relatives and all was fine. My uncle (mum's brother) and his wife missed the service. They were later than us. I would have liked to throw confetti but didn't feel comfortable squeezing in at the front to do so, so let closer friends and family of the couple have that privilege and just enjoyed the sight.
They received some traditional wedding things from (I guess) close family and friends; stuffed black cat, good luck horseshoes and all. So after some photos of the couple had been taken and I was alerted to an opening, I approached the bride and handed her the bag with my swan and the congratulations card (which I also made. I made our RSVP card too), stating something along the lines of "I know you said no gifts but this isn't a traditional gift" I'd roughly planned that ahead of time. I find having a prepared thing to say makes social interactions a little less daunting.
Both she and the groom were pleasantly surprised and, dare I say it, pretty amazed. I was pleased with that.

The reception was nice. There was a lot of standing about. I didn't really converse much but tried not to be reclusive. It rained a bit. For a month or so before the wedding I'd been trying to improve my posture and social attitude. Nothing big. Just standing straight and not lowering my gaze every time I passed someone in the street while walking the dog. It's a little thing but it has an impact on your social anxiety. It's an unhealthy behaviour.
My hope was to be comfortable at least looking in the direction of strangers if nothing else.

I was also anxious about the meal. I'm a picky eater. But no need to worry. Everything was delicious. I was worried about drinking too much because I didn't want to have to pee. It was hard enough getting my tights on in my room, imagine trying to pull them back up in a toilet.
We were sat with the regular family. By that I mean the family we see every year so it's not like we're strangers.
My other cousin brought her boyfriend, well, he's her fiancé now actually. He drank too much and got too merry. I'm uncomfortable around drunk people because their inhibitions are lower. They disregard or have no awareness of personal space and can be very loud. Something I'm not comfortable with. But I've gotten used to him as a person so it didn't really bother me much. He did blamed his drunkenness on me because I wouldn't drink so he had to pick up the slack (not true by the way. He requested a second bottle because he liked it). Normally such a statement might make me feel guilty but I know and fully understand that he intended it as a joke so had no problem with it. You remember I don't drink right? Because I don't like the taste of alcohol and additionally I don't see the point of getting into another bad habit. I worried a little when I noticed the staff going around the tabled filling champagne glasses for the toast but they took a while to get to us and I figured out what I should do during that time. As she began to approach my glass I put my hand over it. A clear indication and timed well so as not to take up, what I deemed too much of her time. I wanted to delay her as little as possible so that she wouldn't feel too rushed. She asked if I'd like something else for the toast. The question was unexpected but I think I handled it well enough. I said no thank you and that I'd be fine with water. (Yes I worry about minute social interactions that much. Apparently I should focus on the positive aspects of encounters and not the negative aspects. I'd say the whole wedding was pretty positive.) The speeches were fun, particularly the best man's. He had some interesting graphs.
My other cousin. I should really distinguish between them shouldn't I? Well it's too much bother. This cousin is kind of tomboyish so I found it hilarious that she wore a vintage dress to the wedding. She looked more like a bridesmaid, from a different wedding . She isn't the cousin who's fiancé got tipsy, she's her sister. She came with her boyfriend, who didn't get drunk, not that I saw anyway. She had a little too much to drink as well. So. Before the meal she'd hoped to go on the bouncy castle outside (that was most likely for the children) but it got taken down in the rain. But after the meal it was put back up. So, while the children were still inside, she took her chance to go on it. My other cousin's drunk fiancé went too. I have video of him basically making an **** of himself. But it was funny.

We left a little after the party started getting into full swing. We congratulated, complimented and said goodbye to the bride and groom and the family and the family that we hadn't seen since the funeral. I'd actually written it in my notepad because We thought the bride and groom were inside and the music was pretty loud but we found them outside so it was pointless to have written it. I think it was congratulations on one side and goodbye on the other. I held it up anyway, since I'd gone to the trouble of writing it but I said it too.

I decided not to wait until we got home to get out of my tights, so did so quickly, before I got into the car. They were a little uncomfortable and I had been walking a little oddly all day due to that, and the heels. Because I'm not used to wearing either heels or tights I feel I walk a man, like an inexperienced transvestite. But I'm sure it wasn't as bad as I think it was. It was the feel of the material more than anything else, very unpleasant when my legs rubbed together.
Anyway. All in all it was a lovely day and I can't think of any negative interactions. I've probably missed some things out but I'm not sure they would have enhanced the story so it's fine.