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day in a life

Silence is good

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by
Helga
, 01-11-2014 at 06:08 AM (1344 Views)
Well school starts next week and I don't even have word in my computer yet. Haven't done a thing in my thesis for a while and I am just lazy. I did go over my bookcases yesterday, I do that about 3 or 4 times a year. My back is killing me after all the heavy lifting. But I always love doing it. Doing something physical that doesn't require much thought calms my head, if that makes any sense.

My brain is always working overtime and I go to sleep planning the next day, there is never a break. I was reading fifths blog over at biis-books and she wrote about a book she had read that was about ,in part, a woman who needed silence and wanted to find it and live it to fully be in the world. I have been thinking about it and I am rarely in silence or even silent. I always have music playing, both for me and because Spock has excellent hearing for a twelve year old and barks at every cat that walks across the street. Silence with people also scares me and I tend to tell my mom more than I want to (cause she nags) because I can't handle it if there is a silent moment when I visit her. If there is silence when I am alone I am usually talking to myself or my dogs. I remember in a Jane Austen book I think it was Sense and Sensibility but I'm not sure. A mother tells her youngest daughter that if she doesn't have anything appropriate to say please to restrict her remarks on the weather. I like that, just have like a card with a few things to say when I feel like the silence is to much. Also I may just have to get used to silence, I have been alone for almost 4 years now. Every other weekend when my boy is with his dad I am not in silence and I am not quiet but I don't talk to people, just myself and my dogs.

I was talking to my brother about this and he told me that I overthink. I knew that but he also said when I mentioned a few things I think are a part of how people see me that he had never thought of these things. When I see something that annoys me in other people I often find it in me and think it's there all the time but it may be something I say or do rarely, not often enough so people notice.

This Christmas I almost started crying on when I read a card I got from my friend at school. I don't cry, at least not in general. But in this card she wrote something along the lines of 'never stop talking about Star Trek cause it might land you a husband one day' I just found this a crappy thing to say. I do talk about ST a bit and they always encourage that cause it is usually to explain something we have been learning and she used the fact that just a few weeks earlier I was freaking out when my brothers friend started texting me. I know my friend was trying to be funny but it just wasn't. It made me feel like all I talk about is ST and the fact that I am alone. Both is true but I don't think it should be used as a joke.

I am very honest about my feelings and I can't hide it if I find something boring or I don't like it. I don't hug people, except my son but this friend always hugs and she knows I don't like but she still does it. I have another friend who can say the same thing but does it differently so it doesn't hurt or annoy and she knows I don't hug so she respects that.

Oh well I am just going over things I should let go of now and forget.
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  1. qimissung's Avatar
    As fifth pointed out in her blog, silence is often looked upon as a negative in our society. I'm not sure why. There was actually a trend in the states a while back where they designed restaurants so that noise was maximized. I tended to avoid those. Movies have also gotten noisier; I am still waiting for them to realize that more noise does not actually make it a better movie. I think noise, in the minds of some, equates to action or connection. When will we in the west finally realize this is not true? Silence is what it is, depending on the situation. I like a silence wherein I feel a connection to all living things.

    And its so true that some friends have just that right way of saying things that soothes and acknowledges who you are. I always hope I am that kind of friend, but I don't know. I think I have a ways to go yet.
  2. TheFifthElement's Avatar
    It is interesting, isn't it, how little thought we give to silence until somebody mentions it? I have found myself thinking about it a lot. Like you, I have noticed that I don't make much space in my life for silence. I travel on a train every day to work, and I plug my ears with headphones and I read my book and I don't think I could be more shut in and shut away than if I'd put myself in a box. I can understand why you surround yourself with sound. Perhaps it is part of wanting to be alone but not alone, which is a tricky path to try to navigate. When I put music on, it is sound I can control. People don't have a mute button, sadly I am trying, now, to explore silence, to not be afraid of it. But I think I have been afraid of it to some extent. The other side to it, of course, is that I've discovered I have a low tolerence for human conversation, yet somehow reading and writing don't fall within that description. I'm not sure why that is. More thinking required.

    Perhaps one of the things you need to try to do is drown out the critical voices. From what you've described it sounds (sounds?) like the critical voices are the ones that speak most loudly to you. I am sure you don't overthink (how can such a thing exist?) and is it such a terrible thing if you talk about Star Trek all the time? How is this any less valid a topic of conversation than anything else that other people talk about: what they had for dinner or what music they like or who annoyed them at a bar or in the supermarket? People rarely talk about what is important to them, but actually you do. Not many people can lay claim to that kind of authenticity. It is a strength of yours, not a weakness. It makes you vulnerable, but it also makes you honest and true. I like that about you.
  3. Helga's Avatar
    When my son was just a newborn sound was also very important because I didn't want him to get used to falling asleep in silence and then wake up to every noise.

    I have also realized that I often and this has been a habit since I was a teenager and got my first tv that I use it just for the purpose of making noise. I am not watching and not always listening, just put some comedy on I have seen ten times just to hear something. Maybe that is as you said fifth to be alone and not feel alone.

    My schedule this semester has more reading than I thought so reading in silence will be one of my goals.
  4. TheFifthElement's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Helga
    I have also realized that I often and this has been a habit since I was a teenager and got my first tv that I use it just for the purpose of making noise. I am not watching and not always listening, just put some comedy on I have seen ten times just to hear something.
    I do that too Helga, or I did at least. I am more inclined to switch the TV off now. Not always. Sometimes it is nice just to have some human presence in the room, even if you're not paying much attention to it.
  5. Virgil's Avatar
    I get into work very early, six thirty to quarter to seven. It's usually pretty empty and since I'm blessed to have my own office i close the door and it's very quiet, though perhaps not completely silent. I really enjoy that quiet. I think I remember seeing somewhere that in order to have absolute pure silence, you would have to be in some sort of chamber. Oh if you ever get a hearing test, you're put into a box (the one I was in felt that small) with headphones where you get these very low level beeps. That might be close to silence, except for the beeps.

    I didn't know Fifth had a blog. I guess it's that link on her profile page I just noticed. I'll have to check it out.