Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Today it was a reindeer. Finally a little variety.

So. It's a week until the last post day of Christmas and I've still only done six cards. You know why I think I'm having such trouble with it this year? Because mum keeps nagging me to do it and she's always here. So if I do them when she's around she'll say something like "finally you're doing cards" and it'll be like she's won somehow. Here's the thing. The more you nag me. The more I'll resist doing something. And when it's gone on for so long then if I finally do do it it feels like I've lost somehow. I hate losing and I'm sick of being the loser at everything so it's a blow to my self esteem if I feel like I've lost at something. And I can't afford to lose any more self esteem, I barely have enough as it is. I wasn't going to write about it but

I had an unsettling dream the night before last. You may remember the childminder I told you about who I stayed with longer than I needed to really.

Well. In this dream I was back with her again. It's a recurring dream from time to time, that and being back at school. I was at her house and I was already thinking of how to walk out. It was her house but actually it was mine, which was why I was having so much trouble walking out. In this dream she lives in a house just like mine and my stuff is kind of divided between the two, so I'm trying to work out which stuff in her house is actually mine so I can take it with me when I storm out and walk home alone.

It was just me and 3 babies she was looking after so I was expected to help in some unknown way (she never let us help. We couldn't be trusted). One of the children, a little boy, was having his second birthday so she had a big, white, square cake with a candle shaped like a pink number 2. He was supposed to blow it out and I resisted the urge to do it for him because he didn't know what to do. I had to blow my nose so took out a tissue and turned away so as not to get germs on the cake.

She looked at me with disgust and said "You're not going to be sick for a long time are you?" as if I was somehow doing it on purpose and it somehow put her out of her way to deal with it. It didn't. So I tried to defend myself. I just had to blow my nose, doesn't mean I'm sick. And anyway. I stay sick for quite a long time. I can't help that. So then she starts arguing with me and I finally find the courage to yell at her with such rage I'm actually really pleased with myself. All I can remember are the words you ****ing *****. Unfortunately the moment I said it I felt guilty because there were three small children around who had heard my profanities, just at the age when they start repeating everything they hear.

She just casually disregarded me. That's it. The one time I fought back and I still lost. And it was a monumental loss. I'm definitely going to storm out now...but after the parents have come to get their babies, because it'll be a problem if I do it now. I've decided that I'm taking a bag of empty shoeboxes with me, because those are actually mine, everything else is hers. Not quite sure why i have a bag of empty shoeboxes. I have an image of me walking down the street at night, under the yellow glow of a street light, my shadow holding a sack of shoeboxes over my shoulder, like a kind of shoebox Santa.

While I wait for the parents to come I decide to show a child the stars from the window. So I get him over to the window to look. He's interested until he puts his hand on the windowsill and gets poked by a hairy cactus, which used to be the candle on his cake but has somehow transmogrified. He starts crying because he has two little needles in his finger and I'm tryign to calm him down and pull them out and she's standing in the doorway, looking at me like I'm some pathetic waste of space.

So I get the needles out and now I'm almost holding this child like an unhappy cat, almost dangling (because cats generally are unhappy when you hold then like that) except he just about has his feet on the floor. So I try to show him the stars again but now there's a really bright white spot in the sky and it's the sun so I say look away, don't look at the sun. And we'll have to wait until the sun goes away (at night. When it's dark) to look at the stars.

I didn't see how the dream ended because mum woke me up. Kind of pleased about that really. My ego really can't take too many hits from my subconscious.

So. That's about it.

Bluebiird out