Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

I thought there was an unmarked window between today and yesterday and wasn't sure what to do about it. In case there was a sweet behind it I figured I'd save it for Christmas day as a kind of bonus.

I opened today's one and noticed the door was the wrong way round. Then I figured it out. The extra door goes with that one to make double doors. So today I got a long Christmas cracker.

The last five days are all long windows which is what they meant when they said that the sweets get bigger.

Yuki got a red twisty bone.

Did the shopping today. Got a lot of things on my lists (one is things for baking and the other is general Christmas stuff).

Haven't done much decorating recently except for sticking up cards.

I told you mum posted the cards yesterday right?

Today she posted the Christmas present to the aunt I don't see (the widow).......technically I have two widowed aunts now.....the one who's husband's funeral I actually went to. I couldn't go to the other one because it clashed with my novel writing class. Had it been any other class I would have gone.

I got some more stickers in Homebase of all places. They're really cute Santas and snowmen and reindeers (I know it's deer not deers. I just wanted to put deers for fun). This particular aunt sent us a Christmas card with a smiley faced sticker on the back of the envelope. It made me smile when my mood was wavering so I wanted to do it too. So mum stuck the stickers on the backs of all the envelopes when she filled them out and I stuck one on the front of the parcel. It should make the Post Office smile at least.

Not sure when I'll be up to baking. Had a surprising case of the runs today. Still trying to work out the cause. Maybe I picked up a bug. Apologies for mentioning such a thing but it's noteworthy and I had the decency to say runs instead of the word I wanted too. Oddly enough today is the one day I haven't eaten a fibre biscuit for breakfast.

I had stomach pains last night which somehow caused me to dream that I was back at school and sitting exams while eight months pregnant. Funny that my brain leapt to that conclusion instead of the more logical one. I had a sudden fear that it could be appendicitis but a few pokes to my abdomen have put that to rest for now. (I looked it up a while back so I'd know the danger signs just in case. There's no noticeable tenderness so I concluded it was due to the thing I won't mention again for the sake of decency that occurred later on. I'm pretty sure it is and was because of that).

I'm thinking of contacting Napoleon before Christmas to set out some ground rules to follow for Christmas day. Do you think it's a bad idea?

Christmas Day is the only day we spend in each other's company and it's not always pleasant. The one thing guaranteed to depress me on Christmas day and any subsequent days is him saying something I don't want him to.

The rules would be something like this;

- Mentioning our current employment and/or financial status on Christmas Day is strictly forbidden, because it will make me depressed, unless he has something useful to say e.g. a library nearby is looking for staff, maybe you could apply. Or I hear there is a scheme that you could apply for that would reduce your utilities bills by 2%. Something along those lines. Chances of that are pretty much nonexistent though.

- Opening of presents must be done when we're all together. Don't ask me to open something while mum's rushing around doing the dinner just because you're bored because it makes me feel guilty even if the both of you think I'm being ridiculous.

- Similarly. Don't tell me to just tear the paper. You're the one who always made me unwrap things carefully and never let me tear the paper, ever since I was old enough to do so, because you might want to reuse the paper but never did. It all got thrown away anyway. I find double standards like that annoying. Don't suddenly start changing your mind now you Grinch.

- You may not complain about the untidiness of the house or it's general rundown state unless you are detailing plans to fix something e.g. I'll fill those cracks in the bathroom some time etc.

- While waiting for Christmas dinner you will not wander about the place and start fiddling with things i.e. the boiler unless necessary. You may however bleed my radiator if possible, like always, it's a kind of tradition whenever you visit (which is getting less and less often. Isn't that sad but also not at all a problem for me). Also if the door falls off the oven again you can get down there and fix it like I did all on my own when you were in Canada and I couldn't call you. It worked out alright in the end even though it took a few hours to sort out. I'd like to see how long it takes you to fix it. (Really you cheapskate what were you thinking when you brought us an oven you'd salvaged from work? It's pretty crappy. Although I can't fault you on the fact that it actually works even though mum still doesn't know how to use it properly. The grill particularly annoys her. The door keep falling off is what pisses me off the most.)

- Upon opening a gift you will express thanks even if you don't like it. It's what I've always done. It's just polite. Don't criticise gifts people give you as soon as you've opened it. It makes me hate you all the more at Christmas, especially when we've actually tried to put some effort into it. You don't need to say thank you exactly. Thanks or a smile of appreciation or something like that is fine. In return I will try to remember to say thank you for your gifts even if I hate them, since I usually forget to thank you. I always thank mum though.

- You will compliment the dinner in general or a particular aspect of your choosing e.g. Very nice sprouts or that was nice or something. Or thank mum for the meal instead. I will try to do the same since I usually forget and it makes me feel like a terrible person. It will make mum feel that her hard work is appreciated. You owe her that at least.

- You will participate in dinner table activities (It's the only time the table is ever used for eating, let's make the most of it) this includes wearing your paper hat from the Christmas cracker without complaint (Really. I'm sick of having to whine and nag at you to wear it. Why can't you just join in this simple festivity with the rest of us? Just because you have a big bald head doesn't make you're special. Mum has a big head too and she still wears it.) You will also play any games that might be played such as Old Maid like last year or the Dinner Table Trivia I got from M&S just for Christmas day. Ruin this for me and it will make me sad because of the effort and planning I've done.

- You may sit and watch television while mum rushes around and I feel guilty and try to help her. Even if I complain, know that you have permission to sit there doing nothing and contributing nothing like a dead pig. You'd only be in the way anyway.

- You have permission to pass gas from both exits as you please. Just don't stink up the living room. Really that time when you turned up unannounced and made me later for school than usual, and just sat around like a dead pig, was practically toxic. It filled the whole room and a little of the hallway. Seriously what the hell is wrong with you?

- You may leave the toilet seat in which ever position you like and I'll try not to complain about it, provided I don't fall in again because I instinctively sat without thinking because the seat is usually always down as it's only two women who actually live here.

- You may fall asleep in the chair after dinner and I'll try not to mock you for it or disturb you.

- When you come round and the dog is excited to see you, because you are a stranger to her and she's a friendly dog, you will play with her if only a little e.g. if she picks up a toy you will take it and throw it for her to fetch at least once. It will make her happy and it will make me happy to watch. Alternatively you will stroke and make a fuss of the dog if only for a little while. This will also make me happy to watch. Don't selfishly ignore her. This will make me sad.

- You need not compliment me on my hair, even if I have it looking nice this year, or whatever outfit I decide to wear. I don't expect you to notice. It would actually be pretty creepy if you did since I'm used to you being pig ignorant.

I think that's more than enough. I think if I could get him to follow these rules I'd have a plesant Christmas day. I sincerely doubt any of these rules will be followed. I try not to think about it because I'll get depressed.

I've gone on long enough.

Bluebiird out.

On second thoughts it's a terrible idea. I knew it would never work out I mainly put it up to get any frustrations out. Mum doesn't think my having posted this is right and makes me sound like a bad person.................Now I'm feeling sad about it. Let me know if you want me to remove this list. I don't really care about it anymore.