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Reflections on the puddle of life

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by
TheFifthElement
, 10-23-2011 at 01:18 PM (1133 Views)
I'm supposed to be writing right now, that was my plan anyway. I guess I'm putting it off, it's a common story. My husband is sleeping (it's 6pm) as he hasn't been feeling very well today. Actually he hasn't felt well often recently. I am hoping it is nothing to be worried about. My kids are upstairs playing and I have the living room to myself, with only the sound of my husband's heavy breathing and my fingers tapping on the keyboard. It's kind of relaxing.

It's been a weird year this year and right now it feels like a weird time. My work is chaotically busy, I am spending a couple of days a week in London, and I constantly feel like I am tripping over myself to get things done. Conversely at weekends I'm finding that I actually seem to have lots of time and lots of space to do what I want to do in them. I'm not quite sure how this has come about. So right now I feel like I have the space and the leisure and capacity to write (even though I'm really putting it off) and usually I don't feel like I have a spare second to do what I want to do. What's changed? I wish I knew. I almost feel like I have room to get bored. That's pretty unusual.

Whilst I have this nice little bit of relaxing space I've been doing some thinking and I've given myself a few goals. The first goal is that I need to get this project out of the way as soon as possible and move on to something else, so I'm going to suggest to my manager tomorrow that instead of these drip feed trips to London that maybe instead I come down for a week and we just get everything done then. It means longer away from home in one block, but it also means that there'll be less blocks and (hopefully) I'll be a little less frazzled all the time. So that's part one. I'll see what he says.

Secondly, I'm going to moan less. I am dragging myself down with whingeing. I realised the other day how it's making everything toxic and really at the root of it is me. So I'm going to try and rein that bit of me that feels a bit like a defeated little girl back in and get my mojo back. Put on a happy face, and all that. If you do it enough, eventually you'll believe it.

Thirdly, I need to do more exercise. Since my train station opened I'm doing more walking, but of course I'm off the bike and biking is much better exercise than walking. There's a gym over the road from work which is quite cheap and I think I'm going to join it once this endless to-ing and fro-ing from London is done. There's no point doing it before then. So if I can get that big project done I have my 'reward' of gym membership at the end of it. I'm bizarrely looking forward to going. I have a friend at work who is also joining so if sometimes we go separately and sometimes together, at least we can try and inspire each other to keep it up. That can only be a good thing.

Another thing is that I'm going to try and spend a little time each day doing something I love, something which will challenge me. I think I mentioned before that I'm learning to play the ocarina, so there is that, but I also have writing which I have neglected quite a lot over the past 18 months or so. I started a novel in September and resolved to write about 500 words per day and I managed it for about 2 weeks before work took over. Today I had a look through what I'd written and, you know, it's actually quite good. I surprised myself. So I want to pick that back up, see where I go with it. I doubt I'll ever make it as a published novelist, but I have to try and stop myself from avoiding failure and just go for what I think is right. My daughter does this, she would rather be in trouble for not doing something than not do something right (even though she wouldn't get into trouble for that) and I'm pretty sure she inherited that from me. Time for me to set the good example, I think.

So that's what I'm going to do.
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  1. Helga's Avatar
    I think it is good to have a few goals and to try and find things that make you happy and challenged. Life has so much to offer, we just need to be open and willing to accept it.
  2. Virgil's Avatar
    I think you've got the right approach with everything you've said. The times my wife went to her gym regularly was when she had a friend to go with. Some need that companionship. Sounds like you've got your home life well organized. I'm still trying get there, even though we've had Matthew home now 13 months. I wish I could get my lazy butt working on some writing. I keep telling myself but I never do it. As to work, I would try to block out some time to decompress. I don't know the details of course, but it sounds like you're putting too much pressure on yourself. An afternoon tea break to chat with some one not your project may be the relaxing thing you need. That and I also try to get out at lunch and go for a walk. I know at my job I have to just let things fall through the cracks. That's why I'm always prioritizing, thinking some things are not going to get done right away. I consider my sanity as being on that prioritization list...lol. Of course I have the luxury of delegating in some cases. Well, hope it works out, and hope your husband feels better.

    By the way, I'm not sure I agree with you that bicycling is better exercise than walking.
  3. qimissung's Avatar
    I'm sure your novel is quite good, Fifth~I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product! I can quite understand letting everything come between you and your art as that has been happening to me, too.

    It's maddening to try to figure that out, and in that respect your daughter is on to something. You've got to just do it. Maybe you needed a break~maybe your subconscious has been busy all this time. Now is as good a time as any to find out.

    I hope your husband is well. Maybe it's time for a check up?
  4. TheFifthElement's Avatar
    Thanks Helga that's sound advice, I'll try to follow it

    Virgil I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about not being able to get your home life organised. Matthew is probably still a bit little. I found with both of my kids that it was when they were about 3, or just a bit after, when I started feeling I had more freedom. Somehow they just became more independent and suddenly I wasn't needed so much and had some free space. I started writing poetry when my daughter turned three, and really aside from work commitments my kids haven't held me back since then. Just give it a bit more time. Thanks for the advice about work. I know most of your work is project based, so I should definitely listen to you Getting out at lunchtime is a great idea; I haven't been doing that. And there is a lot of pressure right now and not all of it is coming from me, but you're right if I can pull together some coping mechanisms it should get easier. And I really don't like things slipping through the cracks, but you're right it seems to be an inevitability. That's quite hard for me to get used to.
    As to the exercise, I think it's less about companionship and more about geeing each other along. So whilst I might be less inclined to go if it was just me, if I arrange with my friend to go I'll definitely go because I don't want to let her down. She guilts me into going, or something like that

    Qimi good to see you around as always. My husband seems okay today, I think it might have been something he ate! I think you're right about just doing it, I think sometimes I just think too much about things and forget that thinking is good but doing is better. I'll try to keep that in mind. I hope you find some time to get back to your art but I guess you'd better get the decorating done first! I'm supposed to be decorating the living room before Christmas (we've been in this house nearly 8 years and still have 5 rooms to decorate!) but think it is quite unlikely that will now happen. We'll see.

    Thanks for stopping by all