day in a life

I quit my job yesterday! I decided not to work next year with school, just school me and my boys! I really can't wait. I feel free for the first time in years. I didn't like my job, the ONLY reason I stayed there was that I was scared of change and of learning something new. now I can just focus on school and not work, this also means that ever since I broke up with my ex I will have every other weekend for me. I always feel like I need to explain myself,I love my son and he is the best part of my life but knowing that I will be able to go out when I want to is so nice. I never ask anyone to babysit him, he is mine and I spend my weekends and weekdays with him than every other weekend when he is with his dad I work, so I am never just me! well in just over 2 months I will be.

I don't get it when people identify themselves through their kids, I don't want to do that but in many ways I have until now (well until January next year :/ ).

this year has been amazing and I feel like I have gotten to know myself again and I have realized things I never thought I would figure out. this may sound stupid but I was listening to Will Oldham, one of my favorite artists and he has a way with words that made me realize a few things I hadn't thought about. First in one song he says 'your body fading' and it just hit me, I have never thought about how those 3 years after my dad got sick and until he died affected him. He could feel his body get weaker, knew he wouldn't see us grow up, I was just 9 and my brothers 5 and 7 years older than me. I never thought about him! another thing is I never realized how much his death affected me, I know I was very depressed and I always thought that if he was alive I wouldn't feel like this but I wonder how it has made me a different person than I would have been. and if I would like that person. I kinda like, for the most part. Another thing I realized about my dad through a Oldham song is that I kinda picked a guy to live with and have a kid with that I didn't love because I was scared (and still am) that if I would loose the man I love at such a young age like my mom did I wouldn't be able to handle it. My mom was 39 when he died. I have been to scared to open up because of the fear of loosing it and I really don't want to, what is the saying 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' I don't know cause I have never been in love..

these are things I have been thinking about and I often feel like I need to write it down or say it out loud so it will get meaning and that is all I am doing now, also I have had a few glasses of red...

I can usually talk to my brother about anything but I don't want to call him a lot, his girlfriend is kinda upset about how close we are and how we can talk about everything so I am trying not to call him every time I figure something I think is 'amazing' about myself.

oh and finally a favorite line of mine from a song by Will Oldham:

but then I went outside
and I stood very still in the night
and I looked at the sky
and knew someday I'd die
and then everything would be alright


I love these words