Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

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As I got older going to see the family got less fun. Sometimes the other children wouldn't come so I was the only child there and I got sad and bored. No one tried to entertain me. Well, I've always been good at being alone, I've always been able to entertain myself so that never really bothered me, but looking back I might have been nice. Then as we grew up and we reached our teens our interests changed. I was rather against, pink, fads, girly toys aimed for preteens and fashion. (The boys of course were also against this, being boys. But by that age boys and girls are pretty separate in interests anyway, until they get to the age where they start dating or course.) and the girl was very into all that stuff. So we too drifted apart, not that we were that close to begin with. In recent years I'd started to notice that I got depressed after seeing my family. I could be depressed for a week or so afterwards when I'd been fine before. The last 2-3 times this was very noticeable to me I noticed that I was fine and happy, I tried to force myself to be cheerful, thinking of cheerful things, it all stopped the second I got into my uncle's car. My mood dropped drastically and could not be picked back up throughout the evening. If anything it got worse. Throughout the journey I'd listen to music on my mp3 (Which no longer works since I switched PC's, it's very old now anyway) so I could try to lift my mood with cheerful songs but it didn't work for very long. I'd always get depressed again. My uncle chooses the most terrible times to start talking about the good old days. Cousin#1 and his family have gone home. Cousins 2 3 and 4 are tired, they're living at home or staying for the weekend or something. They have to get up early for work tomorrow but it's rude to go off to bed when you still have guests and they want to help tidy up once everyone's gone. I'm tired. Mum's tired. My aunt's tired, she's had to get up early to prepare the buffet for everyone and make the place nice for our arrival. Only at this time does my uncle suddenly start talking about the good old days and everyone has to stay up until he finally thinks it's time to go. We can't leave when we're tired because he drove us here and we can't tell him to take us home because that's rude since he drove us here. So we're stuck there until he's ready to leave, grumpy and tired and I keep trying to hint that it's time to go. I look at my watch a lot and yawn to indicate I'm sleepy and I think we should go. I do this because no one else does, because I think it's subtle enough that it doesn't seem rude. He still doesn't get the message. Because I'm so bored by this point I pick at any leftovers of the buffet, as it seems unfair to leave all this here still. Besides, if I can digest a little more of it then there's less clearing up for my aunt to do. When we finally leave I'm likely to fall asleep in the car and I'm bored ****less by this point, bored and depressed. By this time I was really considering not going anymore. I felt really bad the Christmas before last. But then it was announced that cousin#1's daughter was about 3 months or so pregnant. Initially this depressed me too but the more I thought about it the more excited I felt. I'm so disconnected from the rest of my family but maybe I could start fresh with a new member. I can predict how he'll feel about me, it'll be the same kind of way I felt about my aunts when I was growing up. I know I can't form a close tie with the baby but I 'd like to try to become his favourite aunt. In this branch of the family I'm the youngest that isn't a direct member of his family like his mother and his second oldest uncle. This time last year, when I first met him he was only a couple of months old and I got to hold him. I've never held a baby before. There's never been one to hold. He was so small and cute like a little bag of pudding. I've met him 3 times in total. This time last year. Last Christmas and this Easter and I've been able to hold him each time. I'm overjoyed by the prospect of watching him grow, just like my aunts and uncle saw me grow over the years. I'll get to see him the way that they saw me. Maybe it'll provide some insight for me into how they felt about me.
I was a little annoyed this time last year, just before I met the baby because we hadn't heard anything about him or the pregnancy since that Christmas. I felt annoyed that we were cut out of the loop. Surely when he was born they'd want to tell everyone right away, like I did when I got into Uni. But no. Nothing. It seems that everyone in the family beyond cousin#1 (the baby's grandfather) didn't know much at all. Even my aunt (The baby's great grandmother) had only seen him twice. By the way, my mother is the baby's great great aunt and I guess I'm his third cousin. It's easy for me to work out what he is to me because I go down the line of generations but it's harder to work it out from him back up to me. For this reason I've asked if I can be called his auntie. I'm unlikely to actually be an aunt for real, since I'm an only child so for me to be an aunt I'd have to have a sibling and they'd have to have a child. But I'm about the same age as his uncles (his mother's brothers) so it'll be easier if the thinks of me as an auntie. That way I can call him my nephew. It just sounds so much nicer and closer than third cousin.
You know. If the baby didn't exist I wouldn't be going to see my family anymore. No matter how depressed I might feel, watching the baby grow up is a damned good reason to be cheerful. Just one problem. What do I do if the baby isn't there? Children don't always make it. Cousin#1's children didn't always come. They got sick or had a prior engagement or just didn't want to come or someone thought it would be best that they didn't. If the baby isn't there I'm sure to get depressed like I used to. Although. The baby isn't the only difference since I last got depressed visiting my family. A couple of years ago mum invested in a sat nav. It doesn't get used often. It was a life saver during graduation because that was in Guildford. For the past 2 years we've been driving to my aunt's ourselves. So I can have a considerably more enjoyable car journey and we can leave when we're tired without waiting for my uncle. Plus, if we decide to leave maybe he will get the message and leave too, allowing my aunt an earlier night. It's also good because we have the dog now. We couldn't take her in my uncle's car and we couldn't leave her alone for that long. Like I said, my uncle lives relatively close by...hehe...relatively. It's funny because I'm talking about my relatives. He lives relatively close by so if we leave a little earlier than normal she should be fine. You know how I told you about my uncle talking once everyone's gone? Well, he does it in his own house too except we're the only ones to suffer.
Man. I'm developing a dislike for my uncle. This is one of the main reasons I'm getting a little depressed an angry at the moment. Lately, every time he speaks to me it sounds like he's looking down on me. Since you know how my relationship is with Napoleon you can see a pattern developing here. Since I'm an adult now, although I don't always think like one, I hate old men looking down at me as if I'm a five year old. For the last couple of years I have always had occasion to state that I don't like dogs. I don't hate them. It's not even so much as a dislike of them really. I just prefer cats. I think cats are smarter. I've said this because my aunt has a dog (a spaniel called Rosie) and cousin#1 has 3 dogs, actually it's four now, 2 dachshunds and 2 pugs. All of these dogs are undisciplined and poorly trained. I don't think that's right. One of the first times I stated this was about 4 or so years ago at cousin#1's home. The pugs were jumping up onto the chairs to beg for food and were dangerously close to getting onto the table and eating from plates so I pushed them back onto the floor encouraging them to wait patiently for a food scrap. Everyone else, even mum would have been happy to encourage the dogs up for food and stroking but I was adamant that they should stay on the floor unless picked up and my opinion was respected and obeyed (this was back when I watched the dog whisperer so I'd picked up some hints and appropriate standards for dogs). Then my aunt got her dog and in conversation (always in conversation, I don't just stand up and announce it) I stated my dislike of dogs. My aunt's dog is very undisciplined. She doesn't even know how to sit on command. Just because she's small is no excuse. If a dog knows the proper behaviour and basic commands it is less likely to cause problems and easier to control.
So, this Easter we had to take Yuki to my aunt's. It was either that or I stay home with her, since I can't drive. Again I mentioned my dislike of dogs and that I still think cats are smarter. Then and only then did my uncle decide to debate with me the advantages of a dog over a cat. I've been saying this for at least four years, maybe five. There's no way that he hasn't heard me say it. The family mostly remember that I'm not keen on dogs and that I'm strict with them. Only now did he decide to argue with me. It's such a stupid argument anyway because he has a pet cat. I couldn't help wondering if he actually wants a dog but can't have one because of his and his wife's age and that maybe she doesn't like dogs. He then states to me facts that he thinks are clever but that I've known for a few years, so much so that I thought it had become common knowledge, such as dogs can smell cancer and research has been conducted to prove this and that a cat's mouth has more bacteria that a dogs. I'd put that down to panting. Cats very rarely pant so there's less circulation of fresh air in their mouths which can affect the build up of bacteria (that's not the only reason I'm sure but I think it's a very sound reason). That's not all that annoys me about my uncle. Until Tuesday anyway, whenever he calls he assumes I'm my mother (I'm the one who's always here to answer the phone when he calls, since mum doesn't work normal hours) and when he realises it's me he wants to talk to her instead. The last time he did it really pissed me off. He told me the date and then told me the day in the tone of someone patronising a small child. I have a calendar and can also work out dates on my own. I could have figured out which day it was without him telling me. On Tuesday however, he knew it was me straight away. That was pleasing at least, but really it was just common sense since I'm always the one who answers the phone. He always talks to us last. He arranges the date with everyone else and then calls to tell us when it is, without even consulting us. If it turned out that we couldn't make that date he wouldn't change it, he'd just go ahead without us. He only calls us regarding something other than the family gathering when he wants something. A Christmas or so ago he called to ask us if we wanted to see a pantomime he'd booked tickets for, since he and his wife had caught colds just before and couldn't make it. Really he had no one else to ask since his friends already hat tickets and he figured we'd have nothing better to do and jump at the chance. I was reluctant to go but I still went. I've never been a big fan of pantos. I don't know why. I think it's the audience interaction. I've never liked the idea of doing it, even when I was a child, especially booing and hissing at the villain. I've always known that it's just an actor and felt bad that the actor was being booed because he/she was playing the villain. Last time he called me out of the blue because he wanted to know it there was a PDSA still in our area. He could have looked it up himself. It wasn't hard to do. I gave him details of the nearest ones I could find but I couldn't find one exactly in our area. Not even so much as a how are you, nope just straight to the point. It's almost as if no one cares about anyone else until we meet up and even then it's just a courtesy to ask how everyone is. Sigh. It's so depressing.
You know what else. My uncle said at Easter that Chi's mother (it's easier to call her that now) was pregnant again and, in his own words "about to drop". But at Easter nobody mentioned it at all. No one even asked how she was doing. We don't actually know if she really was pregnant (predictably she wasn't at the gathering) and that my uncle didn't make a mistake, didn't misunderstand something. her to be so pregnant at that time she could only have conceived shortly after Chi was born. That's dangerous. I just can't get it out of my head that something might have happened and that's why we haven't heard anything. Maybe she miscarried. Maybe it was stillborn. Maybe it had something wrong with it. Maybe it died at birth. Maybe it died just after. Maybe it has a condition or came out deformed and she rejected it. Maybe it never existed at all and my uncle misunderstood what someone told him. If there is a baby what the hell is it? Boy? Girl? Hermaphrodite? What do we do? As a courtesy, when someone has a baby we give them a card and a gift like a teddy bear or some clothes. It's just a courtesy really. A celebration of this new life. A little something to help things along. Even I know that babies always need clothes because they're constantly growing. I also know you should buy bigger clothes if you're unsure of the baby's size, then at least they can grow into it. This time last year we took a little bag with a present from each of us and a card. We each gave a little set of clothing and mum quickly filled out the card with the father's name (we didn't know beforehand). We were the only ones to do this and Chi's grandmother (we gave it to her to give to Chi's parents because they weren't there) was pleasantly surprised. I mean sure, a couple of months after the birth is a strange time to give a congratulatory gift but we didn't know he'd been born before then.
Assuming there was a baby at Easter we want to do the same. But this time we know absolutely nothing about it. What if there is no baby? We'll feel like fools.
The other day mum and I happened on the same idea. This time I can make a congratulatory card. I've collected lots of card making tools from tesco with no opportunities to use them. I've made one for a boy and one for a girl. They look really good. Should I make one for a hermaphrodite too? I can do it. We've decided to take something like a toy or something perhaps. I'll keep them in my bag and if there is no baby then no one need know we have them so all will be well. Beside, a friend of mum's is expecting another grandchild soon so if there is no baby then we can give the items to her. Win win.
Well, I've been writing for too long. I dread to think how many pages this is. Thank you for reading it all. I appreciate it.
Bluebiird out.