Nostalgia

music has always been my hiding place from my own thoughts. i can typically plug in whatever melodies negate the thought processes happening in my brain, or it gives me the calm i need to power through to whatever release can be had.
tonight is the exception. i am done at the ranch for the time being, and i have a few days to blow off before i head back into the hills for the next chapter in my scattered life. I am sitting here skipping song after song, artist after artist, hating myself for more reasons than i like to admit, the greatest being that i am missing someone that i was a dumbass for falling in love with in the first place.
i knew it was a bad idea. whenever Skinny gets the urge to fall in love, the best thing he can do is run in the opposite direction as fast as he can. I knew that four heartbreaks ago. this latest one damn near killed me at one point; not from rejection or anything like that- i was tearing myself apart from the inside. You know when you want something so, so bad that it physically hurts inside? I wanted to be in this girls' life so badly yet i was so terrified of s heartbreak i never really got to vocalize how i felt. Yeah, a stupid inside joke and a dumb little bracelet that was impossible to put on alone said a tiny little corner of what was in my heart. but, circumstances didn't allow for what i'd hoped. then, she ran off home to Virginia and I'm left licking my bleeding self-inflicted wounds.
Here i am, a full three months later, having spoken to her once and having left a few unanswered emails and a voicemail, i am still hung up on her. Please believe me- I want nothing more than to move on. i want her out of my head like she is out of my life. for one reason or another, I cannot get rid of the images she burned into my mind.
As you can probably deduce, not a whole lot has changed.