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Reflections on the puddle of life

Hmm

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by
TheFifthElement
, 09-25-2011 at 11:36 AM (1383 Views)
Hmm, well I haven't really got much to talk about but I feel like writing here because I haven't really had much time to and I feel a little out of touch.

Time is something I've been thinking about, mainly my own time (as ever, self-absorbed) but also in light of the interesting news that nutrinos may be able to travel faster than light speed and therefore, by definition, back in time.

And if I could travel back in time, what would I do?

I am not sure I would have taken the decision to change to my current job, I think that's one thing I'd have to think about quite seriously. In some respects I do like my job, I like the pure aspect of my job - the research, the policy building, those kind of things, bringing the threads of a project together. But I hate the politics, politics, politics, I hate the constant nagging people to do their bit, the egos and arrogance, the constantly chasing around after people and being ignored and getting nowhere. Being looked down on and treated like a nuisance. Those sides of things.

I hate that I have no time. That's my current problem. This weekend, for the second weekend running, I've brought work home. I shouldn't do it, but I have done. We're under real pressure, my team and I, to deliver a lot in the next 3 weeks. And I am also taking part in an advanced development programme, which I somehow knew I would regret signing up for, which is taking up days out of my week that I can't afford to spend doing something else other than my day job. Sigh. Another one of those decisions I would undo if I could. Aside from the ADP I am also spending 2 days a week in London, just to keep my project running. This is time away from the kids and I hate spending so much time away from home. Especially in London. It is a soulless place.

What is it all for? I keep asking myself that. I'm running as fast as I can just to stand still. I'm never likely to progress to the higher echelons of management so probably I might eke my way one more rung up the ladder, but aside from that I'm not going to go much further. I'm not sure I even want to and I'm not really bold enough to push that next step, that's my problem really. Partly because I don't really believe in it, not even as a means to an end. So here I am spending time away from what is important to me, doing something that is not important to me, that makes me unhappy, that makes me question myself, that is, slowly, running me into the ground. But I so hate letting people down, somehow I can't say no. I'm so feeble.

And I'm not sure I have the energy to keep it all up. Actually I've noticed a real drop in my energy levels over this year. A sign I'm getting old, I guess. I'm also worried I'm becoming a bit lazy

So I could use a real kick up the jacksie. I don't like it when I feel defeated and right now I'm feeling a bit defeated by it all. Work, mainly. But also things that are going on outside work: the state of the country, things politicians are saying. Most people I know are a bit depressed right now and we're not even really into winter. Goodness knows how bad things will get when it starts going dark. Is this going to be a winter of discontent? I don't know, but I think so already.

Goodness, that all sounds a bit grim. It isn't really so grim. I think I feel a little out of control, or rather than so much is outside of my control that I feel a bit helpless. I don't like that feeling (I'm a bit of a control freak).

One thing at a time (maybe) and perhaps it will improve. I think I need some exercise too. That'd do me the power of good.

What a rubbish blog
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Comments

  1. Buh4Bee's Avatar
    I'm sorry things are such a drag. Work can really drag a person down and take time away from their family. There is nothing more challenging than working hard and getting nothing back. I have sympathy.
  2. TheFifthElement's Avatar
    Thanks Buh4Bee, work does indeed drag you down. But it pays the bills I guess. Sigh.

    I liked the name jersea, by the way. It always makes me think of warmth and green fields and the best milk ever, and Bergerac, which is what the isle of Jersey (in the English channel) is synonymous with.
  3. The Comedian's Avatar
    We all have times like these, Fifth: the struggle to maintain, the doing everything but feeling nothing, the running around like crazy but feeling as stuck as a matchstick in a box sort of times.

    You'll get though it; you'll find those small moments of peace or joy. . . .
  4. qimissung's Avatar
    I wish we had the power to make life easier for you, Fifth, but since we don't, just do the best you can to keep it all in balance, and keep some special time for you and your family. When it comes down to it, a job is just a job; it's what you do outside of it that makes up the meat of life, in my opinion.

    I hope being the supervisor (if that is part of what you do) gets easier (people being the complete idiots that they are , ha!). I'm sure your pretty good at it-team building, being supportive and positive, and all that jazz. )

    Knowing who you are and what you really want is vital as you continue moving through life. I hope the people where you work will leave you alone if you decide not to continue trying to progess. Don't forget the Peter Prinicpal. That might help you out in the years to come. And learning how to say no occasionally is paramount. They will all survive without you, it is true. That can be hard to take, sometimes, I think. So quit doing everything for everyone!

    OK, lecture done.

    Take care, my good friend, and do something that you love this week, OK?
  5. TheFifthElement's Avatar
    Thanks Comedian - I think you're right. I need to focus on those moments of joy and try and just breathe my way through the chaos. Thanks for stopping by; it's really good to see you around.

    Qimi as always, you are very wise. I hadn't heard of the Peter Principle, so I looked it up. Yes! You're right. Perhaps I have reached my level of incompetence (except I'm not really incompetent, just frustrated). I think that's what's troubling me the most, the idea that this job's got me beat. But only for a few days, yes? Then I pick myself up and get back into it.

    I do have a team, but they're no trouble at all. A group of lovely, hard working, spirited and kind ladies who are nothing but supportive. I can't fault them. It's not them that cause me any difficulty, it is more people outside my team who I need to influence but over which I have no direct control. Mostly this is not a problem, we all work in the same team and we might do things differently and have different priorities but we are all working towards the same goal and everyone knows that. But we have some new people who have come into our team from another and they have done so unwillingly (I could point out to them that I did not ask for them to come into our team either, and I would be quite happy if they went back where they came from!) and their procedures are a bit...well let's say iffy. And we work in a financial industry (insurance not banking) so it is incredibly important that our checks and controls are just so to protect both the business and the customer, but most importantly the customer. My colleague and I are trying to bring this in check. So I am trying to engage them, but they do not really want to engage and in the end I have to go to their manager and say 'look, can you just please get them to do X?' and I really hate that. It's like running to Dad 'cos your brother's stolen your homework. And the thing is, most of the things I'm trying to do come from their manager anyway (he is also my manager's manager!) and he kind of sends us out to do what needs to be done so that he doesn't have to, which is fine because that's what we're really there for. But sometimes (often) it feels like we're the messenger sent out to deliver a message to the opposing army, who comes back with their head chopped off. Like in the beginning of Gladiator. Not fun.

    Anyway, I'm on a training course today and tomorrow and I think it will be a bit of a welcome break.

    Thanks for your kind comments, as always, and please feel free to lecture me anytime
  6. qimissung's Avatar
    That's not really what I meant, Fifth, but since I didn't trouble to explain it, it's not very surprising that you misunderstood.

    This is more what I had in mind:

    Outsmarting an employer is another option. The employee who knows his limits has a fail-safe from being promoted to his level of incompetence: self-sabotage. Peter terms this as "creative incompetence." He advises the employee who is happy in his current position to take steps to make himself appear less desirable for a place in the ranks above him. Subtly painting your personal life as morally questionable, wearing too much perfume or cologne and parking in the company president's reserved space from time to time are all examples Peter gives of this method [source: Time].

    The way I understood it from the book was that when the time comes and your superiors in their infinite widsdom want to promote you, because your not really worth your salt as an employee if your just doing a great job that you love, is that you fool them. You fool them by doing one small thing wrong that then leaves "them" with the perception that you are not competent, when of course, you really are. They then leave you alone to do your job in peace.

    That's what I meant. Because I suspect that in a few years they will want to promote you, because of your intelligence, your team-building skills, your competence (ironically the very thing that will bring about your (or anybody's) downfall).

    More about the Peter Principle here:

    http://money.howstuffworks.com/peter-principle.htm

    Have a joyous day, Fifth. You deserve it!
  7. Virgil's Avatar
    How long has it been Fifth since you got that promotion? It might take a year or two to feel comfortable at a new position. I try very hard not to take work home, but unfortunately it happens. In fact this very weekend I needed to and didn't and then when I got home I got an imploring email that an info paper I was working on needed to be in right away. I live an hour away from work and there was no way I was going back in. So come tomorrow morning I know I'm going to hear it.

    To some degree happiness is why I refuse to get into management. I know what I do well, and while there isn't anything that says I would not do management well, it doesn't seem fulfilling. I love managing projects.

    Whenever you have groups of people there will always be politics. That's just human nature.

    Wish you the best Fifth.