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Reflections on the puddle of life

Do you ever

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by
TheFifthElement
, 07-18-2011 at 04:09 PM (1275 Views)
think you're feeling sad when all you really need is a drink of water? H20 = happiness. Strange, isn't it?

Do you ever wish you could switch off your ears, that people wouldn't speak to you but instead you could quietly focus on whatever it is you're trying to do, just quietly, minding your own business without being overwhelmed by all that white noise, the buzzing of people 'I feel like this', 'I'm so sad', 'I'm so stressed', 'I need more'? And really their problems are so small, so unimportant, all they need is a bit of perspective, a bit of big picture thinking to realise that in their small world their small problems are small and insignificant and if only they could remember that for a moment they might be happy? Sometimes I envy the Buddhists, but I couldn't be one. Don't have the patience.

Do you ever think about long lost family? Last night I had a dream, actually I've had some pretty strange dreams recently, but in this dream I was in my Mum & Dad's old kitchen and there was a crazy man in the kitchen with a big knife, and then my uncle walked in and I went over and hugged him and hugged him like I really meant it because I haven't seen him for so long and because I've missed him. I haven't seen my uncle since my Dad's funeral, 13 years ago. I do kind of miss him, though I haven't really thought about him for years. He was my favourite uncle, though he always let me down - missing my birthdays, and never being around, always having problems. Tonight I was on Facebook and I tried to look him up. I think I found my cousin and I was tempted to message him, but then I don't know. I don't know to what end. I think I might find my uncle is dead, or if not I still won't go and see him. It's not quite opening old wounds but perhaps more scraping the gilding on your favourite mirror and finding it's cheap foil and not gold after all. Maybe some things are best left.

Do you ever wonder what it is you're thinking. I kind of feel like that at the moment. I feel like I need to be sitting in a lecture theatre listening to some crazy, mad, excellent philosopher spinning the world with his flawless logic. I think that's something I need, something that would be good for me, because I have all these thoughts and no focus for them, and my friends are nice but I can't talk to them about those thoughts, I've tried and they just give me that look and change the subject, and I could talk to my husband but I know what he'd say. He's been where I am and has come to terms with it in a way that I don't think I ever can. The world is strange and curious and life is a bizarre state of affairs and he would say 'but that's just how it is' and he'd be right but I don't think I'm prepared to or will ever really be ready to accept that things just are. I think that's something I can't get my head around. That the world is a problem that he's solved and moved on from and come to peace with and, for me, the world is a puzzle and there are so many pieces missing I don't think I can even come close to solving it.

I think I'm going slowly crazy. I'm happy too, but it's kind of happy, sad, empty, too-thinky kind of happy. Happy when I'm distracted, when I don't have too much time to think. But I'm also fed up of filling up my time in order not to think, so I think I need to just sit and think for a long time and, hopefully, eventually, I'll figure some things out. I wish I didn't feel so strange, but in a way it's such a good kind of strange. Like I'm growing, becoming something more. I don't know what exactly, but I think I want to find out.

Weird huh?
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  1. Paulclem's Avatar
    It sounds as though you're already halfway to being a Buddhist!

    One of the 4 Noble Truths is the truth of suffering. That we will suffer whatever our situation because our lives - our biologies if you like - are similar to modern electrical appliances; they are not made to last. Nothing is made to last. How does that affect us? We have some underlying awareness that leaves us with a faint feeling of dissatisfaction in everything we do. That's not to say we should pack everything up, but it helps when things go belly up - which they often do. If they don't then it's a bonus.

    Perhaps it sounds a bit pessimistic, but it's really only a way of saying - as your hubby pointed out - that's how it is. It's a kind of comfort.

    Anyway, the Buddhist idea is that we're all a bit mad in our outlooks and views and attitudes and baggage. We have to sort that out first before we can be really effective at sorting out externals.

    I'm not trying to convert you by the way - your post just set me off. I hope you don't mind.
  2. Buh4Bee's Avatar
    I'm not sure if you drive a car to work, but maybe getting some good existential philosophy and listening to it during your commute may be insightful. I am 35 and I find myself going through these life changing perspectives every few years. Maybe you are hitting a new level of maturation.
  3. qimissung's Avatar
    bwahahaha! Fifth is maturing!

    Kidding!

    An interesting blog, Fifth. I seem to say that a lot. Anyway, concerning your first paragraph, people are annoying, aren't they? It's all "me, me, me." Except for me, of course. My problems are not small, or insignificant or unimportant. Everyone should drop everything they are doing and just listen-to me-for a moment only.

    No, seriously, I hear what you are saying, Fifth. Oh, for a moment of quiet.

    As to the second, I give you this:

    http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=37554

    I know he let you down, but life is short. I would like for you to reach out, but the ultimate decision is your, of course, and I respect that.

    As to paragraphs three and four, I think it's time for your vacation. And I think you need to take one by yourself, maybe for just a couple of days. I really do think you need some time to think. I think I know how you feel. I know I have to work, and a lot of times I am happy enough to do it, but what a time suck! The things I really want to do, paint or write or learn a language just languish, and my spirit does, too.

    I wish for you some time, Fifth, far from the madding crowd, maybe at a Buddhist monastery. That would be a delightful place to pause and reflect, I think, and release your happy, sad, empty, too-thinky kind of happy feelings.
    Updated 07-18-2011 at 11:06 PM by qimissung
  4. TheFifthElement's Avatar
    Thanks all
    Paul It's good to know I'm part way along the path towards something (other than death that is!). One thing I didn't say in my blog is do you ever feel like everything is kind of futile and pointless? And even though everything is futile and pointless, or even perhaps because it is futile and pointless, you might as well do your best to make things good because in the end if it is futile and pointless, at least it might as well be nice. Recently I decided I needed to learn something, I need to keep myself mentally flexible and learning makes me feel both that I'm doing that and also like I'm kind of getting somewhere, but when I thought about it I kind of came to the conclusion that knowledge, unless it has a direct practical application, is useless. In which case it doesn't matter what I learn as it's all pointless anyway, so at least I might as well learn something interesting. In a bizarre way it made me widen my scope. So I'm whamming the OU free site (especially since they just announced their new fee structure. Shocker. Forget that idea I had of doing a degree. It's far too expensive now.).
    jersea thanks I don't drive to work, I cycle. I can, and do, listen to lectures and things on my iPod when I'm on the train. I think, though, that what I need is to move beyond the passive absorbing stage and move on to the participating stage. So I've made some enquiries and there's a literary and philosophical society quite close by that I'm thinking I might join and see how it goes. So it was a great suggestion. And you're probably right, I am growing up. At 36, it's probably about time (be afraid, be very afraid!).
    Qimi cheeky! Actually when I was writing I had a particular friend in mind. I don't mind, on the whole, listening to people's problems. Actually you might say I quite like it. Sometimes I can help, and it's nice to be helpful. But I have this one friend and if it's not one thing it's another and if there's nothing she'll invent something. She has counselling once every six months or so. I think, to be honest, she needs to get out and get herself some hobbies or something because it's just her and her husband and that's it, and she doesn't really do anything. Over the course of knowing her, she's had some real problems like cancer and losing her mother and I've been there for her through all of that. But she's also had panic attacks about her husband dying (when he's not), now she doesn't love him and never did, she's thought she was bisexual, she's thought a friend wants to have an affair with her, blah, blah, etc, etc. Then she gets manically happy and she loves me and she loves everything, etc, etc. Sometimes I wonder if she's a touch bipolar, but I don't think she's quite that bad. Anyway, sometimes it's a bit wearing. I am probably just really ready for a break.
    As to my uncle, hmm, I don't know. The fact that he let me down doesn't worry me, he let me down and it was never a problem, it never took the sheen off him, I loved him in spite of all of that. I just think that as a grown up I'm not likely to be able to be that innocently forgiving and open, so if I were to contact him (assuming he's still around) I would run the risk of destroying the lovely memories I have and that quiet, unconditional love. I'm not sure what either of us would gain from that.

    I'm off to Wales in 2 weeks anyway. One full week in a field at the foot of Mt Snowdon with no internet and probably no mobile phone signal. If that's not enough to switch off all the buzzing nothing will.

    Thanks for all your kind comments
  5. Paulclem's Avatar
    No I don't feel it's all futile and pointless because there's an aim. It's a pretty far off aim to be sure, but it's there in the back of my mind. I'm well aware that I'm on the slippery slope, and so it could feel pointless. that's one thing Buddhism's done for me.

    As for looking round for something well I've realised that I can't juggle too many balls well. It's a hard thing to have to accept that there are some things that you won't be able to do. On the other hand, it does focus you.
  6. Virgil's Avatar
    Sounds like hormone problems... Crazy-man-with-a-knife dream: can't get better than that.