day in a life

I have spent the last year thinking and working on myself. I want to know what I want and what is important to me. I know what I want know and how I want to live my life and I think I have a pretty good idea of who I am. I think a lot about what people say and how they see me, not that I am obsessed about looking good in other people eyes I just often think they get the wrong idea, mainly that I am lonely or boring. I am definetly not boring (I at least enjoy my company) and I am not lonely though I know I don't want to be alone. I am very positive and I don't worry about many things and if I do worry about something it is something that will pass in a little time. I realized yesterday that the younger girls that have been working with me this summer think I a m very weird and kinda boring. It slipped my tongue yesterday while talking about a trip the whole company is taking that I don't really like to interact with people, they were a bit shocked but that doesn't make me lonely or boring I think just not a people person.

I don't like it when people come for a visit, I really don't want people in my home except a few that are very close to me. I didn't think people spotted all these things in me. these are things that I know aren't helping but I like and don't really want to change.

the women and girls I work with think I am weird the music I listen to, most of it is something they have never heard of, I prefer the winter because I don't like being hot and I don't like the sun a lot. the movies I watch they think are 'guy movies' but that is just not true. one girl was so happy about a guy she is dating cause he talks 'Friends' like she does, I said that I wanted a guy that talks 'sci-fi' she said with irony oh like that is difficult. It is! my brother is the biggest sci-fi I know and he didn't get who mr. Stark was in Captain America until I explained it and he didn't get the joke on Stargate when a guy said 'we might as well be wearing red shirts' not every guy talks sci-fi but the fact that I do makes me weird.

I read that you should imagine you are in a movie theater and you walk into a room and they are showing a picture on the screen about you and your whole family. You sit down next to the only person in there and you see it is you. You see everything through your eyes, then you go into another room and there you sit next to your mom and you see you through her eyes, this is not the same person you saw in the last room and you can go into all the rooms there and see yourself through everybody's eyes. you have a different side to everybody's eyes but they make a whole person. You can't expect everyone to see you the way you want because they aren't in your head they judge from your voice, words and the way you act. I am trying to be aware of the way I act because I know the women I work with see me in part in way that I don't want to portray.

I could talk and think about myself for hours and pages I think. Now I just try to do Koli nar and focus on me and my boys.