Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Fair enough. But Blue, how can you say you don't have friends? Surely everyone has friends. Eh. Well. Some detail on that goes as follows. When I was little I had friends, good friends. I played with a neighbours' children in the street and I had some friends whose parents were good friends of mine so they'd kind of always been there. I made friends at school. But, even my primary. No my nursery school was a considerable drive from my home. I only got into that school becaus emum worked in the area. So I never went to any of my school friend's houses except for birthday parties and I always felt out of place, like I shouldn'r be in their house. Some people's families moved away and I never saw them again, I practically forgot they existed. I slowly became more and more isolated as I went through primary school. I had problems with my cordination and reaction time (look up motor coordination syndrome/disorder if you like. That's it) I was (hahahahahahahahahaha. WAS. am) slow and lazy, I was bad at sports. I had to wear glasses as the whole four eyes thing started (I've always thought that's so stupid. I have 2 eyes and 2 pieces of glass, how is that 4 eyes? If anything it should be something like four lenses). I used to space out a hell of a lot. i talked so quietly that if someone said hello to me outside of school I was so surprised that I mumbled a response that I thought, because I can hear it, they can too. My childminder (that's who I was usually with at these times) would say, did you say hello and I'd say yes almost with indignation. Wasn't she listening, of course I said hello. Yes, well, I never realised that even though I'd said hello other people might not have heard it. I had. Have low self esteem. This stems mainly from that childminder. If ever I raised my voice she'd always say stop screeching. i got so sick of that. My vioce was far from screechy. I didn't realise just how loud I could actually be. Your own voice sounds different in your head because your jawbone is also connected to your ear, so the vibrations are different. If you wanted anything you always had to ask her. You had to ask her for a drink and she's pour you a full cup of terribly watered down orange juice when you could barely drink half of it. You had to ask to go out and play. You had to ask to watch a video. You had to ask to go to the toilet because he had to open the stair gate for you and closed it behind you so the babies didn't crawl up the stairs. Fair enough on that one. But this proved very hard for me. When you finished your business you went down to the gate and shouted for her to come and open it for you. Of course, my voice was quieter thatn I thought. I'd call her. I'd call as loud as I dared but she didn't come. Especially if she was in the kitchen talking to a parent of one of the other children (she did that a lot, kept nattering on to the parent when they clearly wanted to get home and rest, and the child was already in the hall, dressed in coat and shoes with school bag and had been for ages). In the end I gave up calling for her to come open the gate adn sat on the stairs, waiting for her to suddenly think of me and come to check. Then she'd look at me like I was an idiot and say why didn't you call me? Sometimes I was sure she ignored me just because she could. You weren't allowed to wear your shoes in the house, you had to take them off in the hallway. After dinner you called for her to come get you (until you were big enough to get down from the table for yourself) leave the plate on the table (because you can't be trusted to put a cheap plastic plate in an empty sink) then wipe your hands and mouth with a baby wipe (she left a tub of them by the window for this purpose) and put it in the bin. There was no soap in the bathroom (I think this is my fault because I remember making soap gloves there once, like I did at home) so I never washed my hands after going to the toilet (I know, terrible habbit. I was afraid to touch the taps in case I left them on or dripping and she'd get mad. I only used the sink for one week after I had a vaccination at secondary school because the nurse asked if I was around babies much (I was) and that for some reason becaseu of this jab I should wash my hands. But of course no soap so I just used warm water. I was also afraid of messing up the position of the hand towel as well.)
By the end of primary school I was pretty isolated. I got picked on but I thought when I moved up to secondary school it would be a fresh start, a chance to make some friends and forget all about primary school. Little did I know the horror that awaited me in secondary school. I was picked on a lot. Things like kicks to the shin, hurtful comments, gum in hair. The classics. Once I had my hair set on fire. Well, I exagerate. A gurl was waving a lighter round the back of my head. Clearly she didn't expect it to burn, it was just showing off. But because i had pretty frizzy and out of control heair, and my hair is blonde you couldn't always see every strand or know where they were and some of these strands caught fire. She was shocked by this and quickly put it out before anything could get started but still, it happened. For the first year or so school was pretty much friendless. Then I met Tom. He was the only friend I had for such a long time, even when he went on to college and I stayed behing in 6th form. But...Well, you know how things turned out with dear old Tom. No one has ever been able to replace him. The trust and closeness (just as friends I must stress, I never developed romantic feelings for Tom, though the seemed to think we were a couple at one point) has never been replaced. i just don't want to have another relationship like I did with Tom. Sometimes I felt that he was sucking the life out of me. I was, mostly grateful for his friendship, I cherished it, but sometimes he could be too selfish and I had no one else to talk to (I must also add, I was selfish too, just regarding different matters). Those who have read my earliest blogs will know that I did speak to some other people after Tom but i didn't really get to a point I could call them friends.
Then I went to Uni and joined the Japanese Cultural Society. It took me a while to form friendships there but I did. Only thing it that without Uni, without seeing them every day it kind of seems worthless. That's why I rarely log into my facebook account to talk to my Uni friends. iIt just seems so cold somehow and we didn't really develope close friendships.
So. Anyway. Triple gold stars for getting this far.
This is why I now feel so unbearably lonely sometimes. It's so bad that I just curl up and cry. Always alone I must add. A long time ago I came to realise how stupid I look when I cry. With my screwed up red, blotchy face, puffy eyes and snot pouring from my nose, and that odd, pathetic kind of stutter you get when you've been crying for a while, there's nothing else like it, even your breathing kind of stutters. When I saw myself like that, when I was little, i thought I look stupid. And because of this I was embarassed for anyone to see me cry, the though of someone seeing me cry with my stupid face made me want to cry even more. i don't even let mum see me cry. Then again, most of the things I cry about these days are stupid anyway.
The reason I talk to myself so much is because I have no one to talk to, no one to trust with all that is me. The reason I love watching anime with strong friendships, deep bonds, the reason why every character I design or for every story I create there is always one character who is strong, who is brave and strong and pushes everyone along with them, who will fight against anything, especially for their friends, they're always a reflection of that I wish I was, what I wish I had.
For such a long time now I've felt it's just me. Me and myself. No one knows you better than me. No one can soothe you better than me. No one knows what you need better than me. Unlike everyone else I am always here for you. I will always make you happy when you're sad. No one can love you more than I do. No one can hate you more than I do. When ever you cry I will be there to wipe your tears.
Unfortunately there are some things I can't do for myself. I know what's wrong. I know why I feel so lonely. I know exactly what I need to do. I need to get out there, meet people and make friends. Ah. But that takes effort. More effort than I'm willing to give. Meeting people is hard, it can be painful (emotionally). I've noticed, that people who seem to like me at first, once I reveal too much of myself, say to much, go too far I suddenly become an annoyance, an object of ridicule, like at work last year. I hated it so much. I never should have revealed so much of my personality, People just don't like it. There are parts of my personality known only to me. only one other person has been allowed to know almost all of the true me and that's Tom, even then there are things I didn't tell him. There are things I don't even dare type in my blog. Not everything I think needs to be documented. Not everything I think should be known to others. Only thing is I don't know how much of myself I should reveal to people befor ethey start hating me.
I'm slow, clumsy with my words. Even when I've thought of what to say over an over, rehearsed it in my head it comes out wrong, not as I planned. I think of two words at the same time and end up saying them both together which makes me sound stupid. I've lived a pretty sheltered life. I have low self esteem, very low. I'm not exactly ugly but I'm not beautiful either. I can be too childish sometimes, other times too dark, to moody. I try to think of what I say and how I act will affect others but still get it wrong. I'm terrified of offending people. Not everything I think needs to be said but I have trouble deciding what to leave out. I'm terrified of seeming rude but end up being awkward instead. Because i haven't been in enough of them I don't know how to react in different social situations. I'm slow. I'm stupid. I get embarrassed easily. I repeat myself far too much. I always go off on a tangent and forget the point of the conversation. I don't know how to propperly express myself clearly. My speech is clumsy. I don't have an accent. I can't always hear what people are saying so often wing it. I'm boring. I'm untalented. I don't know what to do. People rarely react as I expect. It takes a long time for me to trust someone.
Sometimes I blame all these things on my parents but a lot of it is because of my choices. I chose to go to that school. i chose not to fit in with everyone because they said I should. I chose to be myself no matter what, even it it isn't always a good thing. i chose to break off some friendships, some for big, some for petty reasons. I chose to keep people away and not let them get too close.
I thought of a perfect way to describe it.
It's a glass box. i box with no door. I built it around myself to protect myself from the hurt I think I've felt over the years. People will hurt you eventually so why let them get close. i can see the world outside but I can't touch it. Mostly I'm happy in my glass box, it's not so bad, at least I'm safe. But sometimes I feel so alone that I just can't stand it. I want to scream. i want to cry. I want someone to hold me and make the pain go away but I don't want anyone to hold me, I don't want anyone to see me like that, I'm too embarrassed. So, when you cry, and want someone to hold you, how exactly can they do that when you won't let them? i know what I need to do. I need to break the box, smash it open, even if the glass cuts me it doesn't matter even if the outside world is painful I need to be there. But. I just can't do it. I think of breaking the box but once I've calmed down I forget this trivial pain. I forget how much it hurts me and I'm happy again, until I remember. I go round and round in this endless circle. I feel lonely. i need someone. Ah, that's too much effort. Besides, what if I get hurt. In the morning, I feel good. I've forgotten all that stuff from before. I'm fine as I am. I'm happy. I don't feel happy. It's because I'm lonely. I need someone. It's been like this for a couple of years on and off. I'm sick of it. Since I can't seem to do it myself I need a strong person to smash the box with me, to push me out into the world, push me all the way. How exactly can someone like me find such a strong person. The number of times I've wanted to write about this. I'd think of titles adn things to add, but thinking of it just made me more depressed until I had to stop. When I managed to take my mind off of it I could sleep. In the morning I'd write about it. But in the morning I always feel better. I don't want to open up these old wounds again, not when I'm happy again. So. Tonight. Well, today i finally decided, even though I'm tired, I can't sleep. I'll get up, go downstairs and type it all up, regardless of how long it takes. I'll do it today. I still don't know if I'll actually post this. But, if I do then it's a step in the right direction. I'm making the tiniest little crack in the box. If I can just crack it a little maybe I can break out on my own, or maybe someone will help me.

Ah. It's gone five. Even with my dark mood and stupid crying and everything, I'd be asleep by now if I weren't writing this. What was it I said to do? oh yes. Gin-san as a courtesan assassin with completely inappropriately sized breasts (that are actually giant smoke bombs I must add.) ahaha, Gintama is so crazy. I think now I'll laugh like a mad woman until I fall asleep.There's a lot of things I missed out in this still, but I'm too tired now. I'll deal with it later.