Reflections on the puddle of life

You know when I started this blog I had a few ideas about what I wanted to do with it, and then over time I’ve strayed here and meandered there and wandered slightly off track and then more so. And I’ve said ‘I’m going to do more of this’ and ‘less of that’ and then done less of this and more of that and generally used it as a bit of a brain dump for those things I’ve been thinking about or found exciting or irritating enough at the time to think it was worth writing down.

Last night I had a little look through some of my old entries and I noticed something. It probably isn’t very obvious to anyone but me, but it falls into one of those categories of things that I feel strongly enough about to write down, however strange that might seem.

So here it is, recently I’ve noticed that I’ve become emotionally detached. Yawn, I hear you say, here comes one of those clap-trap, new age, touchy-feely blogs about emotional honesty and how not to let fear rule your life, blah, blah, blah, but that’s not really what I want to write about. It’s kind of a reminder to myself, that I’m in here and that I have feelings and wants and desires, that I can and do care about things beyond that which is necessary and that I need to put a bit of effort into letting that but of myself out a bit more, take it for a walk like a nice little dog, get it some air.

Because there are a few things I’ve stopped doing. I’ve stopped noticing things. I’m not very observant at all at the moment. On Monday I came into work and as I was walking through another team area someone shouted me ’Oi! Have you got headphones in or something?’ and they’d been talking to me as I walked past and I hadn’t even noticed. I get focused like that. I think that’s the problem. I’m too focused, focused to the exclusion of everything else.

It’s work that’s causing the focus at the moment. I’ve gone into a kind of shut down mode. All I can think about is projects – I have 4 major projects on the go at the moment (actually really there are more, but I’m just ignoring some of them) – and they’re really absorbing my time. It’s good in a way, because they are challenging and interesting projects, new areas for me so I’m learning and developing as well as using my skills to get the projects delivered and delivered well and on time. And I know that when they’re complete I’ll have done something which was hard and complex and which I can be very proud of for 5 minutes before I move on to the next project.

But at the same time, all this focus has other effects. I’m tired a lot, for a start. I’ve stopped noticing things, as I’ve already mentioned. I’ve stopped taking joy in some things, actually most of the time I’m working or thinking about working and trying to find time for the kids and beyond that I’m reading but reading like it’s an outlet, something to disappear into, almost like it’s a mechanical process. I’m not sure that makes a lot of sense. I went to a spa with my sister, mother and niece last weekend and even there I wasn’t really allowing myself time or space to think and just exist, maybe notice what’s going on around me and really enter into it. If you’ve ever seen Star Trek: Insurrection you might understand what I’m talking about. The Baku people have the ability to slow down time, or rather to exist in a moment in time. That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. I think that’s what I need. Just to stop, be slow, see and feel.

I’ve stopped writing, actually I’ve not written for a while. I’m not overly bothered about it, I have a fairly mixed relationship with my writing anyway; I love it, but it’s also like self-torture. But more troubling is that I’ve stopped writing in my journal. I don’t keep a journal obsessively or anything like that, but I do have a writing journal which helps me resolve my thoughts and crystallise ideas. In a sense, this blog is a bit like an entry in my writing journal, which is a positive move, because until today I’ve kind of been avoiding it, almost like I’m avoiding confronting myself, or acknowledging that beyond the mechanical processes of the day ‘this happened’, ‘we went here’ I haven’t got a great deal to say. And sitting down with a piece of paper really forces you to notice you haven’t got anything to say, and then you have to confront the whole notion of why you haven’t got anything to say, and then you have to try and figure out how you change it so you do have something to say and then you realise you haven’t the time to do the things you need to do to change it and it all becomes a bit disheartening.

I think I need some time to myself. When I was a child I had a place I used to go to – a hill I could climb which was at the back of my house. It’d take me about 30 minutes to get to this place and there was never anyone there and it was quiet and peaceful and beautiful and I could just sit back there as long as I wanted and think and come to some kind of peace with myself. But I don’t live there anymore and where we live there are no hills and no quiet places where I can just go by myself, quite quickly and easily, and just be.

I guess I need to find a place like that again. I guess I probably just need a bit of time to work things out, get myself into balance.

I hope this blog doesn’t sound too depressing, I’m not depressed. I think I’m just catching myself, just in time, just reminding myself to be more than just a working machine, that there’s more than just obligation and duty and perhaps a greater obligation and duty to appreciate the world, and the people in it, while I am here and am able to do so.

That’s a lot of justs.

And really, there’s a reason why writing journal entries are generally kept private. But I needed to write something down so here it is, and if I wrote it down privately I might feel more inclined to ignore myself, so here it is, right out here in the open, a commitment to try.

Didn’t I say this wasn’t going to be one of those horrible touchy-feely blogs? Sorry.