Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Why does it take so long to start up, all I want to do is write. Stupid PC. Anyway. I'm cold. I'm tired. Now I'm grumpy. I was in bed trying to sleep but I couldn't. So I somehow found the drive to drag myself out of bed to write this. Why? Because if I don't do it now I doubt I ever will. By tomorrow I'll feel better. I'll forget these feelings until they come again. It's taken so long for the PC to start working and let me type I've practically forgotten the feelings already. But this wil have to do. If I don't write it now I don't think I ever willll. This will be kind of crazy. Kind of depressing and very clumsy. I can't be bothered with that now. If I stop for too long I'll lose my nerve. I wonder if I'll even have the courage to post this. To finish it even. I'll probably just give up and go back to bed. I wanted to go to bed ages ago. I don't know why I didn't. My eyes are very dry and itchy. This PC has been on since I got up. For some reason, even if I'm not using it, things don't seem right unless it's on. That's stupid. It's not like I do anything important withj it. I've been fine all day. I haven't thought these things. Then someonme knocked on the door and it started. It mostly went away but it happened again when I went to bed and curled up in the dark. I went up at something like 1:30 or 2am. Not really sure why. At 9pm I stopped watching Gintama, even though the episode wasn't finished. I waited for about 4 and a half to five hours to finish it. It wasn't a bad episode. There was a long fight scene, where I stopped, but it got pretty funny later on when the three main characters dressed as kind of courtesan assasins with unbelievably enormous breasts (I must point out that two of them are guys, which is why it's so funny, Gintoki especially since he didn't even change clothes this time. Ah, now I think about it it's funnier than it was the first time. My bad mood's lifting. This isn't really good. Note to self, picture this image when I got back to bed and I won't feel depressed any more. Don't lose focus now). Anyway. Compose yourself idiot. We have a mission here.
Ah. So. I stopped watching it. For why? Because I suddenly got depressed. Allow me to give you a long winded explaination. I don't think I'd notice this quite so much if we didn't have the dog. Yui (I keep calling her that as a nickname now, it's just a little easier to say than Yuki, I can be lazy). Yui is a 3 year old siberian husky. The siberian huskky is a very friendly dog by nature. they make bad guard dogs. They are very friendly and social, they also get lonely pretty easily if you're not around. Even though I'm with her all day. Go get a job you lazy bum, what are you sitting around on your arse all day for. Get a goddamned job like everyone else. Anyway. I'm with her all day. Most of the time she just lazes around snoozing, usually in the hallway where I can't see her and often forget she's there. When ever someone comes to the door, even if it's just to post jumk mail she gets so excited. She rushes to the door and then to the window to see what it is, then to the door then the window even though the person is usually half way down the street by now. She keeps looking. Aren't i company enough. I know. It doesn't work like that. On the tiny handful of times Napoleon has visited she gets so unbelievably excited that the tears through the house ans rushes in for hugs. Oh wow. A stranger. A stranger's here. I should make friends with him. He uses the dog voice. You know the one? A happy kind of high voice that goes something klike hello, hello doggy. What's that? you want to play? Do you want to play? Okay, let's play. and he might play with her for a bit and stroke her. For the 5-15 minutes he's here she's so excited and when he leaves she looks out for him from the window, even when he's driven away she's still so excited. When I finally get her away from the window suddenly that's it. Excitement over. She doesn't want to play with me. This sparks a thougth in my mind that I kind of feel sorry for her, getting so excited for such a short time. Just forget you even met him, spare youreslf the disapointment little sister. She does a similar thing when mum comes homwe. She'll be laying in the living room with me and she'll hear a car outside, footsteps or vioces and she thinks it's mum come home. From about 8pm onwards she'll do this if she thinks it's mum. She's off by an hour. Mum normally comes in at 9ish. I'm so uised to it that I kind of get a little annoyed if she comes home early, because I'll be doing something and think she's not due home yet, I can watch another anime or something in peace. But, watching the dog get so excited for nothing makes me sad. Wehn mum finally does come home Yui wags her tail and jumps up for a hug and usually starts playing with one of her toys. This sometimes annoyes me. I spend all day with the dog and she's never so happy to see me. She doesn't like to play so much either. I know I know, it's becasue I'm here all day. If I left and came back she'd be just as happy to see me. however, seeing this scene every night gets me thinking. Don't spend you're time waiting for them. They'll only disapoint you. It started to depress me but I kept watching Gintama until mum actually came home and suddenly I stopped. Not sure why. It's as if her arrival today just put a cork in my happiness. And that's a selfish thing to say. I should be happy to see her. What if one day she went out and never came home? Whay thern? You'd regret these silly thoughts wouldn't you. I was a little depressed and grumpy until she finally took the dog out, then I fifnished watching the episode and went to bed. i dodn't want to go to bed without finishing the episode and I didn't want to finish it with her around. It's strange. It's not like I was ashamed. It's not like I was doing anything wrong or dirty, like looking at hardcore porn or something. i just didn't want to watch it then.
I barely see mum in the morning. I try to stay out of her way in the morning so she can get ready in peace, so I stay in bed, even if I'm wide awake. i don't want us to need the bathroom at the same time and get in eachothers way or try and make breakfast or need the toilet at the same time (our toilet and bathroom are seperate). I figure she needs to get to work and she can do that if I don't get in her way. It doesn'tr matter for me anyway, since I don't do anything. I can wait until she's gone to get up. She comes to say goodbye to me when she's ready, before she leaves. Then, depending on how tired I am I either get up once she's gone or go back to sleep. I try not to phone her at work, I don't want to bother her. But if I feel I should give an update on the dog or have a sudden thought or need to find something she;s misplaced then I call her. How often I call her will entirely depend on my mood. The mood I'm in now would be one or none at all. It;s just me and the dog until 9 when she gets home. She'll say something like hello Yuki or hello gorgeous girl in that dog voice, then hello kiddo to me. If I'm in a happy mood I'll join her with the dog for a group hug then we'll play with ths dog but if I'm not in that kind of mood i'll stay where I am and offer a greeting appropriate to my mood. She turns on the tv and flops down in her chair (which is old, battered and mishapen and wwe believe it's the culprit regarding the hump she's getting on her back). She'll flick throught at a ridiculously slow pace (I'm much quicker at channel hopping) and if there's nothing good on she'll put on the most decent thing awaliable and wait for the 10:00 repeat of Eastenders on bbc3. After that she'll channel hop until we find something we both agree on. Conversations are few and far between in this house. i don't know why I bother with the tv anyway, since I spend all day on the computer. I only turn the tv on to watch the simpsons after walking the dog, and that's only to change my perspective fro half an hour by watching the tv for half an hour instead of the pc. I turn it off after unless film 4 has a good film on. It's actually pretty pathetic when you think about it. No wonder my eyes are so tired all the time and I'm getting those lines under my eyes. Any time after Eastenders mum will doze off in her chair. She'll doze of until 12, 12:30, 1:00, 1:30. Today she dozed off shortly after she got home but miraculously woke up just in time for eastenders. When she dozes off after eastenders I worry about the dog. Between 12 and 2 she takes the dog out for her night time walk. It's cooler, quiet and it's a list chance for the dog to pee and poop before we turn in. Tonight this pissed me off. I felt tired so I wanted to go to bed but I wanted to finish watching gintama but I didn't feel like watching it with her around. I know, it's pretty stupid and selfish but that's how today went. i said why didn't she take the dog out now then she could go to bed earlier? She never listens. Waits until the early hours of the morning then takes the dog out. It's not just the dog. She's been doing fhis for ages. She dozes off in her chairfor up to 3-4 hours on and off, sometimes longer, then finally drags her lazy arse up to bed. Now by this time even I think it's late. At one point I didn't want to go to bed before her becasue I was worried that if I went to bed before her she'd stay in that crappy chair until morning then wonder why she feels so stiff or achey. Perhaps I should point out that she slept in that chair for years, even when Napoleon lived with us, oh so many years ago. She claimed it was because th ematress was lumpy, but Napoleion never saw a problem with it. It was actually because she didn't want to sleep with Napoleon any more. Even when he moved out the bed was vacant. Only in the past couple of years has she gone back to sleeping in the bed. Unfortunately this caused her bad habbit of falling alseep in the chair and terrible snoring. Really it's bad. Because she falls asleep so quickly and I don't I used to have to keep beating her with a pillow becasue her snoring was keeping me awake when we went on holiday. It got so bad that she often slept in the bathroom of the hotel room we were sharing, that is until I discovered the miracle of earplugs.
Because when she is here she's usually watching tv or playing on the DSi I bought her for Christmas (it was either that or have her hog my pc on weekends playing boring pc games relentlessly to beat my score when all it toook me was a couple of plays and I'd beat her score like that.) there's little chance to do anything else, and as it's such a habbit for me I go straight to the pc (it's the only other chair I can use besides hers, the rest are covered in junk at the moment an d none seem ar right as my pc chair, even though to sit comfortably I have to sit on my feet witch I think is giving me circulation problems.) Me with one screen, she with another.
Basically, the point of all this is even though we live in the same house, sometimes we might as well not be living together at all. Out of the few people who know me she knows me the best which I'm sorry to admit because most of the time she just doesn't get me at all. It'l like we move indifferent worlds sometimes. But other times she knows me better than I think. Even though I guess we're pretty close we're not as close as some.
Ah I think I'm finally gettin to the point of the matter. Gold star for sticking with me this long. Sometimes I feel lonely. So unbelievably lonely that I can't stand it. You already know how my relationship is with napoleon, and now you see the relationship with my mother. You should also know that that's it. That's all I have. I don't have friends. My family barely speak to us save for 2-3 days a year when we get together. If one of my family phones up out of the blue it's because they want something, nothing more and even then we're kept out of the loop with beg events. No one bothered to tell us when Chi-chan was born and no one has told us what's happened in regard to his sibling, it must have been born by now. I don't even know if I have another relative to call a nephew of niece. It really pisses me off. They don't live nearby either, it's a considerable drive to get to any of my relatives adn I can't drive anyway.