Life in a small town.

It is troubled times for the Church of England at the moment, what with all the hand wringing and examining of consciences over women Bishops and gay Vicars. The General Synod is beginning to resemble The Roman Forum around the Ides of March, and Rowan Williams, the Arch-Bishop of Canterbury, is beginning to think that Thomas Wolsey had an easy ride. But these are mere light skirmishes compared with the ideological split over the post service Refreshments at Mrs P's Church.

Factionalism is not a new phenomina within its sacred walls, there are three identifiable groups within the congregation. The first is the Blue Rinse Brigade, Widows mostly, who know what a service should be and will not contemplate any deviation (slipping) of the standard form. Many a radical new initiative has withered and died under their unwavering disapproval. The second group are the Happy Clappies who defy the icy stare of the BRB and sway and clap through The Old Hundreth. They are occasionally thrown a crumb and let loose with guitars and marracas. They have some power but lack the killer instinct of the BRB. The final group is that largest of all English affiliations; The Silent Majority. They are the most courted group (by all the factions and sub-factions,) but stay determinedly “out of it.”

Until, that is, there comes along an issue that is worth fighting for.

David started it. He is that rarest of worshippers, an aggressive Happy Clappy. He decided that, to improve through-put, the sugar, milk and money dish should be on a separate table from the hatch where the after service drinks are served. Common sense one would've thought. Anyway, confusion reigned. David however, was not down hearted at the hold ups, as re-education was phase two of his plan. Unfortunately, David and Mrs P's stint on coffees was by strict rota, and only once a month. The congregation had three weeks of “normal service” then one of Davids new regime.

The HCs tried to support one of their own, but the BRB began a campaign of non co-operation. “Oo, where's the milk dear? They asked. “There isn't any sugar!” They complained. The queue got longer and longer and slower and slower. It is a myth that we English enjoy queueing, we are good at it, true, but only because it appeals to our sense of fairness, to be honest we'd rather not - given the choice.

After eight months, the largest and most powerful group, The Silent Majority, stepped in. Or rather it didn't! Consistant with its collective philosophy, its people just stopped going for coffee on David and Mrs P's day. The People had spoken. Not even the introduction of Jammy dodgers could reverse the trend. Mrs P. had a quiet word with David - he is considering his position, along with that of the milk and sugar.

Like all tragic heros, who are destroyed when they overreach themselves, David's story must serve as a cautionary tale. (Rowan Williams take note) The Church of England is a broad Church, but it also has sacred traditions that you mess with at your peril.