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day in a life

February 17.

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by
Helga
, 02-17-2011 at 04:41 AM (981 Views)
There are 16 years since my dad died today. He was 49 years old and I was 9, I am OK now. I remember I hardly understood all the sadness and I was surprised to see everybody cry. a few years later it started to affect me more though and in my depression I thought about him a lot and if it wouldn't be better if I was with him, then on the other hand I didn't believe in anything after death and I still don't. I named my son after him and he knows that he was named after my dad and that he is dead, even though he dosen't really understand the whole dead thing. I told him it's like they say in the Lion King, the circle of life and when someone dies we can sometimes see them in the stars and the clouds. I will explain better when he grows older.

But right now I am drinking my coffee and listening to the radio, it's my day off. I am gonna take my dog for a long walk later on and then I am going to my moms house and we are gonna go out and do something fun. My brothers and I are making her birthday present a photo book, her birthday is February 29th and we are gonna try to make it really good and have pictures of her grandsons and all of us of course and write something witty, my brother is good at that. I hope it will be good.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before but I feel like I have no faith in relationships anymore. Maybe it's me I don't have faith in, I just don't think I want to take the risk I can handle being hurt but I don't want to bring someone into my sons life and in a few years he'll be gone for some stupid reason. I just hope that when the time comes and I meet someone I will wait before I introduce him to my boy. but when I like someone I always think this is forever and all that crap but it never is.

Also it's kinda funny but I am having trouble explaining to my son that we can't get married when he grows up, he keeps saying that I am gonna be the mom and he is gonna be the dad. it is funny when he says this but he is so sincere when he is wondering about things and the strangest things come out of him at times.

Life is odd
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Comments

  1. yuka's Avatar
    love your simply and plain words

    have a nice day Helga.
  2. qimissung's Avatar
    We never forget, do we? This is a sweet remembering, and what a lovely way to honor your dad.

    As to the last paragraph, little boys do go through that stage, but it, too, will pass.

    Also, try not to dwell on the relationship thing. I can't give you any answers, but you know, Helga, you are already in several good relationships-with your son, your brothers, your sister-in-law, your mother. Those relationships count, and they too, will come to an end one day. The only thing we can really do is try to keep growing as human beings, and continue to treat others as we would wish to be treated, and I am sure you are good at that.
  3. Virgil's Avatar
    Our parents stay with us forever. Yikes, 49! That's my age now. He died way too young. My sympathies Helga.
  4. Cunninglinguist's Avatar
    Are not the dead echoed by our memories? And in that sense, don't they still live with us, as parts of us?

    In any case, cultivating a consistent and stable environment for your child should probably be a high priority. Children, and anyone, will have trouble flourishing when they don't know what standards to live up to, what roles to fill, etc. because they're constantly changing. When standards do change for whatever reasons, then it's important that they be explicitly clarified.

    So..maybe Freud was right?

    ...Yeah, reality often does not conform to our expectations. But if it did, well, that wouldn't be very much fun, now would it?