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I possess a unique talent which is only known to my closest and dearest friends, and that is my uncanny ability to be able to drive from New York to Florida...by way of California!!! When I venture beyond a 50 mile radius of this city, anything could happen (and it usually does) as I and anyone unfortunate enough to ask me for directions suddenly find themselves experiencing and exploring many new horizons in sightseeing. To the wonder and amazement of one and all, I could make the Sun thought to be to the left suddenly appear to the right as sites that were just passed magically appear again and the road ahead point inexorably nowhere...to the lasting delight of nearby convenience stores and gasoline stations. In short, my sense of direction SUCKS!!! And now you too, my enthralled readers and viewers out there on the Internet (in addition to several dozen motorists, probably still lost and unheard from somewhere in America) are now aware of my unique talent.

Even here within my hometown confines of the Big Apple, Mother Of All Apples and Apple Pie and Apple Sauce, Numero Uno Apple Supreme, I Love NY Apple, [excuse me, that was for another post] New York City, trouble is sure to follow when I'm asked for directions. Having been born here and having lived the vast majority of my life in Brooklyn and briefly in the other four boroughs which comprise this bedeviled metropolis, I know how to get to various places throughout the city based on a lifetime of trial, error and continued effort: from the constant trial of getting there, the constant error of winding-up elsewhere, and the continued effort in finally arriving somewhere (if not the place I was looking for, somewhere just as good or better). If a tourist asks me for directions to the Empire State Building (which is once again the tallest building in town), instructing someone how to get there isn't the same as getting there myself. The diverse ways and means to get around NYC, through a maze of routes and byways, could baffle the most seasoned traveler through this town. It's a "feel" for directions, an instinctive why and how of points leading to and away from certain points, that guide the way to a certain destination (at least for me). If it looks like a difficult one, I usually plead ignorance (which is easy for me) and mercifully pass that person asking me for directions onto someone else, lest he or she's plans for getting to Times Square lands him or her in Coney Island instead...which is about 18 miles from Times Square, here in Brooklyn.

However, in spite of their awareness of my incompetence for out-of-town directions and my peculiar means for in-town directions, my friends still come to me for advice concerning their personal problems. With the full knowledge of my being a navigational moron, they'll bring me everything from their marital to financial to spiritual problems and have ME, of all people, guide them along their various roads of existence and help them chart a correct course to take...and, miracle of miracles, I'm often successful. Maybe they've self-deceived themselves into presuming that I'm a "cool intellectual" whose advice actually has some merit. My female friends imagining me a "tall, dark and handsome" reliable type (while I'm somewhat tall, I'm not very dark and only arguably handsome) and my male friends have me figured for a "macho sage" who's been around the block several times (and I was, because I was either lost or looking for a parking space!!!). Maybe they're only looking for advice that's "off-the-beaten-path" and leads in an off-the-beaten-path direction. Regardless, I still get lost following my own advice (again, especially outside the city limits) and I wonder why my friends value it so much; but, if anything, driving to Florida from New York by way of California is certainly taking the scenic route and could be interesting: I try my best to keep everyone entertained while we all share in the expense.