Virgil

I have a ball in the "10 Things We Didn't Know This Time Last Week" thread. If you haven't been in that thread, Scher copies over a list from the BBC website that covers ten interesting things in the news. Somehow the thread has evolved where I retort (retort: To reply, especially to answer in a quick, caustic, or witty manner) to each of the items in the list. I really enjoy these retorts. I love forcing my wit to be on the spot. Usually it's an instantaneous reaction to the item. It's not always funny, but I do my best. Here's the thread: http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=12926.

The thought occurred to me to blog my very best of the retorts. I originally meant to go through the entire thread, but that turned into a huge effort, so I just went through from the beginning of this year. Here are what I picked as the best of this year's retorts.

10. The male squid's sexual organ is almost as long as its whole body.
Well, it's not the size that matters, but the motion in the ocean. [Oh I couldn't resist that.]

9. Wearing high heels makes flat shoes more painful.
Why do women wear high heels? Other than for that sexy tramp look.

1. Twenty babies born in the UK since World War II have been named Adolf.
I guess Hitler kind of ruined that name forever. Actually Adolf came in second as a name for our son.

10. Tour de France etiquette dictates that cyclists should not overtake the leader if he suffers mechanical problems.
But a good knife in the back while his bike is working just fine is perfectly legal.


2. Discussion about politics is banned inside polling stations.
And Scher and Logos are there to moderate.

4. Shakespeare's Henry VIII is considered jinxed because during a performance in 1613, the Globe theatre burned down.
I would think many of Henry VIII's wives thought he was a jinx.

7. China smokes one third of the world's cigarettes.
So that's the cause of global warming.

3. Sex is not dangerous for heart attack patients.
I guess it depends who you're having sex with, doesn't it?

8. Johnny Cash's Guess Things Happen That Way was the 10 billionth track to be sold on iTunes.
I guess it happened that way.

1. A parrot can be repossessed.
Yeah, but don't take his cracker away or he'll peck your eyes out.

2. Germans call chickenpox windpox, due to the speed with which it spreads.
Hmm, we call windpox that breaking of wind from one's behind.

4. Some chickens are half-male and half-female.
Some humans too.

1. Plastic surgeons in the US are doing lip grafts using muscle from the neck to make lips fuller.
Now, who thought of that? Can you imagine sitting around brain storming, trying to figure out where to take flesh to make the lips fuller? I would have thought the anus.

9. Teachers sometimes get lavish gifts from their pupils like a Tiffany bracelet.
That's the price of the local bribe to pass the class.

6. Britain's oldest-known new father is 76.
Dirty old lech.

1. Marriage over the telephone is valid under Islamic law.
What if you got the wrong number? What if she passes the phone over to the ugly sister?

4. Capuchin monkeys were named because of their resemblance to the Catholic friars.
And here i thought they were praying for evolution to hurry up.

6. Wombats produce cube-shaped dung.
Sounds like their colon is like a pasta making machine.

5. Male long tailed slugs make "love darts" from calcium minerals and use them to inject hormones into females.
Sounds rather sexy. Are you sure you can say that on Lit Net.

1. There are vending machines that sell hot chips.
Hopefully they are not cow chips.

3. A lot of people are still using floppy disks.
They are called old men and their members should not be referred to as floppy.

4. Chocolate doesn't always make you happy.
Oh just test me.

8. There are surgeons who specialise in restoring virginity.
Yes, their method is to have sex with them and wollah, you are magically a virgin.

6. You can pay for university courses with Tesco Clubcard points.
And here I thought monopoly money was valueless. I could have paid for college on game money!

3. Parents in Japan swear by KitKats when their children are taking exams.
Did Scher grow up in Japan? She grew up on kitkats.

6. The United Arab Emirates recently held the largest camel beauty contest ever.
And the camel was cuter than their Miss Universe entry. (No, no, I'm kidding. No disrespect intended. Just a joke.)

3. There is a Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain.
And one wonders why UK have never had a great composer like Mozart.

9. Goldie Hawn runs schools.
For blondes. Enough said.

1. The G-spot nearly came to be known as the Whipple Tickle
*face palm* What can I say to that? Let's just be gratefull it wasn't called the finicky fankle.

10. You can spot signs of high cholesterol from looking at someone.
Well, if their face is about the size of a basketball, you know they've been over eating.

8. Michael Winner had part of his leg cut away due to oyster poisoning.
He's lucky it wasn't shrimp or they would have gone after his penis. (Now this is getting into the gutter. )

3. Blind people can be taught to take photos.
Of course the pictures look like Picasso portraits - body parts missing.

8. The two most common pronunciations of Van Gogh are wrong.
I pronounce it Van Goosh. Is that right or wrong?

4. Swans divorce.
And the alimony is three fish per month.