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A Lonely Traveller

Forget Me Not

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4 Comments
by
angliholic
, 08-09-2010 at 10:02 PM (1031 Views)


Your soothing serene face is a forget-me-not in full bloom
I stumbled across in spring.
Missing the faint fragrance of your youthful body,
I simply pined away.

It doesn’t matter now,
for I notice every light blue petal in the forget-me-not
mirrors your sweet smile
that has been lingering in my mind.






Updated 08-10-2010 at 10:34 PM by angliholic

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Comments

  1. Virgil's Avatar
    Lovely. You find the perfect rhythm to capture this. I can really see the flower and the face.
  2. angliholic's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Virgil
    Lovely. You find the perfect rhythm to capture this. I can really see the flower and the face.
    Good evening, Virgil, and thanks for the nice feedback!
    Is there anything that sounds odd or doesn't flow well in this scribbling?


    P. S. Here it's 10: 30. what time is it in your place?
  3. Virgil's Avatar
    We must be twelve hours apart. I assume you were 10:30 AM while your post was time stamped 10:30 PM for me. Now I know.

    They are all lovely lines and I really do like the rhythm. If I had to criticize one line, I might say this one: "Missing the faint fragrance your youthful body drips." What is dripping? How can something missing drip? It's a bit too far a stretch I think.
  4. angliholic's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Virgil
    We must be twelve hours apart. I assume you were 10:30 AM while your post was time stamped 10:30 PM for me. Now I know.

    They are all lovely lines and I really do like the rhythm. If I had to criticize one line, I might say this one: "Missing the faint fragrance your youthful body drips." What is dripping? How can something missing drip? It's a bit too far a stretch I think.
    Thanks, Virgil, again for the feedback.

    By dripping I mean:

    (For I have been) Missing the faint fragrance that your youthful body (drips),
    I simply pined away.
    Updated 08-11-2010 at 12:28 AM by angliholic