day in a life

my older brother told me that when you break up after a long relationship you go through a few stages. He has lived with two girls before, now he is happy in a committed relationship and they live together and have a cat. anyway he told me that at first you just feel free and happy, then you get lonely and eventually you accept and enjoy being alone and then maybe you are ready for another relationship. I am definetly at the happy and free stage, but I know it might get lonely always being alone and I might need adult converstations... the thing is I have never been alone before, I moved out of my moms house to live with my boyfriend and we have been together 'till now. I want to be alone I really do but I can't seem to stop thinking about relationships and last night I even had a dream about an old friend who never became anything more because we where both a bit scared of it and now I haven't seen him in years except in the funeral for our mutual friend last January. why think of him now? it's not like I want to be with him now... I feel like I want both, to be alone and to be loved, and it's not like I worry about never finding anybody. when I was younger and stupid and very depressed I thought I would never find anyone who love me or just like me... but that's not what I think now. but I am thinking something.

a few days ago I was getting some coffee and poured into my cup and my son said' why do you just have one cup?' I told him I was alone, he said ' mom you need a man' I was just what.. but I answered very calmly that I didn't need anybody but him and spock. I was so surprised cause he didn't say anything about his dad or anything just that I needed someone. strange how kids think and understand so much more than we give them credit for.

another thing about this old friend I mentioned above. What the hell was wrong with me back then? I stayed friends with my first boyfriend had a crush on two of his best friends and even spent a few nights with one of them and thought of making more out of that relationship and ruining a friendship between three guys cause I knew the only one of them I didn't spend the night with was the one who probably cared the most and he truly was my best friend! wow I was really crazy... the one I did spend some 'time' with is the one who died last January. it was so hard seeing my old best friend carrying his body out of the church. If this was the old me I sure hope I have changed a lot!!!