Rubaiyats of Lote-Tree

Strange is it not that in the end we become like our fathers?

In the manner of our speech, in the way we walk...look at me now...head down walking few paces and then looking up and then doing this again, pushing up the shoulders from side to side as if you are carrying something on them...

My father - he was the kindest of souls. He loved me so much from the moment of my conception. He wanted me so much. I was his pride and joy. He never ate without me. Never went to bed without making sure I was ok. He would never abandon me. He would put my life before his.

He would seek me out in my solitudes and transform my day into a moment of happiness. In my failings he would lift me up with his encouragements. In my moment of despair his comforting embrace would dispel the gloom like a ray of shunshine.

Yes. I loved my father. I loved him very much.

But alas...my father was none of these things I speak of because that was not my father I was talking about.. It was a father I imagined. A father I conjured up using the power of my imagination. A father I dreamt up in my lonelinesses and abandonments because this is the father I desired and never got.

So young and confused and envious of the fathers of my childhood friends. How their fathers treated them and how much they wanted them. How much they cared about them. How much they loved them.

It still hurts. It still hurts. So young and confused and envious. But as you grow up you realise indifference is just as powerful as hate. Neglect can be as painful as a physical wound.

Wounded and hurt how do you forgive the Indifferent? How do you mourn for someone who was indifferent to you?

I shared only half set of chromosomes. That is the only connection isn't it. That is the link isn't it? But I share this link with all the lifeform on this planet.

No. Mere snippets of DNA can't make one a father. I guess it takes something else. It takes a degree of courage and selflessness and above all - love.

Today, I have manged to rise above my all my anger and all the hurt and come to this moment of stillness - a perfect peace to say "I forgive you father - however indifferent this might be to you and in return I ask for forgiveness for all my own failings too. However indifferent this might be also".

And as great Socrates might have written "You are gone to meet your God. Let him make his judgement. I with my life to wait for mine."