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Reflections on the puddle of life

Some days I suck like a baby

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by
TheFifthElement
, 05-03-2010 at 12:30 PM (2015 Views)
Be warned, this is a general moan. There's nothing wrong with me, just venting.

It's Bank Holiday in UK today. Bank Holidays are like a gift: precious, fleeting, and not to be wasted. Not to be spent sitting in cars on motorways, but time to be spent doing something else, something relaxing, something worthwhile, something active, something.

So most of today I've been sitting here doing nothing.

And I've been getting gradually more and more aggitated.

Because it bugs me when I do nothing. There are types of doing nothing which are okay, deliberate nothings like not reading a book whilst swinging on a hammock, or sitting outside and watching the clouds go by, or being with someone, or lounging around listening to music and letting the minutes fall as they fall, sometimes doing nothing is doing something, but that's not the kind of doing nothing I've been doing today.

And I'm annoyed with myself.

Because there are lots of things I could be doing. I've been learning to sew (with a sewing machine) and I could have done that, but I didn't.

And I've been learning Japanese and I could have done that, but I didn't.

And the back garden borders need widening and weeding and I could have done that but I didn't.

And I could have written a story or a poem, but I didn't.

Instead I made sushi which fell apart and which I threw in the bin.

And I got more annoyed.

And I could have gone cycling, but I didn't.

And I could have gone for a walk, but I didn't.

The weather isn't great, but it's not so not great that I couldn't have gone outdoors and done something out there.

And I realised, as I was sitting here getting more and more annoyed with myself, that there's a reason I'm not doing any of those things and that reason is that they are all hard things and they are all routes to failure.

Because sewing, when you're just working it all out for yourself, is hard. And it's disappointing. I made a curtain a couple of weeks ago, to hang over the front door - a glass panelled door - to keep nosey people from being nosey when we're in our pyjamas at night. It was my first project. I found some really lovely fabric and I washed it and I pressed it and I sewed it, and my sewing wasn't great - a bit wobbly - but it wasn't that bad and then we painted the hallway and the stairway and the landing upstairs and the kitchen and the utility room. Then we hung up my curtain. And it was too short. So we took it down and I thought I could fix it but I can't so it's just no good. And I was, and still am, so annoyed with myself.

And Japanese is hard, especially when you don't have a teacher or anyone to motivate or measure your learning. I've learned the hiragana; I'm learning the katakana. I can say a few phrases. And then I see something in Japanese on TV and they're rattling away and they might as well be speaking Swahili for all the use the Japanese I've learned is. And suddenly it seems impossible.

And the weeds just keep growing in the back garden. I can dig them out, but they'll just come back.

And, at the moment, my poetry sucks and it's hard because my rhythm is all messed up and I haven't got the feel for it right now, so everything I write feels stilted and effortful. And my stories never quite manage to meet the vision I have in my mind and because they don't I end up throwing them in the bin. Because they're just not that good, and probably never will be.

And the sushi got thrown in the bin.

And it's easier just not to try.

And it's too cold and miserable to go for a walk or a ride. And if I did go for a walk or a ride the whole time I'd be thinking I should be doing something else because I'm only doing this because I can't think of something better to do or because I'm avoiding doing those other things which feel hard.

So I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself, and that makes me mad.

Because, in general, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I expect a lot better of myself than this.

And when I think about it, pretty much everything in my life is a bit like this. Everything is an enormous challenge and nothing is easy. Of course there are things that are easy, I'm just being melodramatic now - I did warn you, but everything I want to do is hard. I guess I just want to master something through my own force of will.

Even in work it is hard because I'm in a new job and back to being a learner again so everything is new and difficult and it's like following a treasure map riddled with traps and tricks and things I can get wrong or miss and I know the treasure is out there somewhere and that I can deviate from the path and probably still find it, but at the moment it's a long, long way away and between me and it is an impenetrable forest; an insurmountable mountain; an impassable, people-eating bog.

So I had a chat with my hubby and he reminded me that every journey, however difficult it may seem, starts with a step, just one, then another.

So I read a bit of Lost Paradise which is a super-fantastically inspiring book and then I went to the fabric shop and bought some more fabric and I'm going make a start on a new curtain.

Tomorrow.
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  1. Bluebiird's Avatar
    Some observations (I say observations rather than advice because I’m far from qualified to give advice)
    -Japanese is hard to learn, like any language, I had about 5 years of Spanish lessons (Obligatory lessons of course) and took very little away from it (Numbers, days of the week, where is the train station (I committed that to memory after my first speaking exam where I said where is el train station )). My Japanese is limited to what I pick up from anime so I’ve no doubt you’re far more proficient than me. If you really want to learn it then you will. And people fluent in the language usually talk faster, we just have to accept that .
    -Sushi, I find onigiri is easiest to make, I usually fill it with tuna mayonnaise and it comes out pretty good. Only trouble is the rice sticks to your hands something awful, so I found a tip that said to cut squares of clingfilm, put in your rice, filling and more rice, pull in the corners and twist it up then shape the onigiri, unwrap it and serve as you please.
    -Your first curtain, could it be turned into something else? A decorative wall hanging, throw or something like that? Maybe something smaller?
    -And as for the writing I’ve no advice except do what you want and don’t force yourself.
    Thanks for reading this, feel free to ignore everything, I just wanted to put these thoughts out there, probably because I laze around all the time, a bank holiday is just like an extended weekend to me so I admire those who want to do things on such days. Sorry for the length of this comment.
  2. applepie's Avatar
    Now it's my turn to tell you to get some rest. I can also offer, if you don't mind sending a picture, some suggestions that would mean that you don't have to scrap the whole curtain. If it is only a bit short you can add a bit of a ruffle to it, or you can use an accent fabric on the bottom:) Feel better Fifth. I hate feeling like that, and it's even worse when you do not allow yourself to normally feel like that. Then it all gets worse, and next thing you know, you're venting in the blogs (which I know nothing about right ;)).

    Much Love,
    Meg
  3. TheFifthElement's Avatar
    Thanks Meg & Bluebiird I'm feeling much better now, just annoyed with myself for being a drip really. That being said this is now a literal truth as my bed, which is a water bed, has sprung an irrepairable leak and we'll be sleeping on the sofa tonight. Brilliant!
    Bluebiird, thanks for the advice, it's much appreciated. I actually have an onigiri press but the problem is that they're generally too big to fit in my bento box. But perhaps if I tried it the way you suggest I could actually make them the right size. Thanks
    Meg thanks adding a ruffle or an accent fabric sounds like a good idea. It's only about 4 inches too short (only!) so I could probably do something like that. I thought I could extend the hem, but after unpicking it I realised this was impossible because 1) the hem wasn't as big as I'd thought and 2) I didn't have a long enough strip of spare fabric because I'd cut it up to make the tab top to the curtain. It was at that point I totally lost the will to live! You know how it is. I'll see if I can photograph the curtain and send it to you (after I've recovered it from the angry, screwed up heap I've thrown it into).
    Thanks again.
  4. applepie's Avatar
    :lol: I've a few projects that are in the same position ;) Four inches would actually be perfect to do a ruffle. I would make one with an accent fabric and tack that to the bottom. Another suggestion, is to add in the accent fabric like a stripe or maybe two in the length of the curtain. You would add maybe 2 1/2 inches of accent fabric to the bottom. 1 inch of the original and then another 2 1/2 of the accent. No one will know the difference :D
  5. qimissung's Avatar
    I'm glad you're feeling better, Fifth. I have gone through the exact same thing. I would like to learn French or Spanish, but, so hard without a teacher, tutor, or friend. I think I will try to find my rhythm with that this summer, and then see how it goes. When your tired from work it's hard (there's that word again) to get up the energy to do something that is essentially more work.

    This last year I've also taken up watercolor. I am not an artist. So I kept telling myself to just enjoy the process, and usually I do. But then I wanted to be better, and if I got ambitious those didn't work out (arghhh!), and I was annoyed that my aim was exceeding my reach, or whatever. One picture that I was painting for my mom for Mother's Day I had to do three times before I got it right. I was not enjoying myself at that point.

    It sounds like you need a day to lie on the couch and read. Just read and be.

    Take care!
  6. Bluebiird's Avatar
    Glad you feel better . In regards to the onigiri, better instructions can be found here http://www.justhungry.com/2007/01/on...ited_an_e.html
  7. Virgil's Avatar
    Oh I know how you feel Fifth. I have days like that too. One has so many ambitions and then it does take longer than one ever thought (like taking almost two months to read the 200 page Steppenwolf). But it happens. This is probably your body reacting to over load. In today's modern world we do so much more than people did in the past that i think our brains reach a point of exhaustion and though our wills want to continue, our bodies rebell. Take it as a rest day. Having children and a job and your hobbies is way more than most used to do in the past. It's ok; don't feel guilty.
  8. The Comedian's Avatar
    Hope you're feeling better -- some days just inspire our uninspired worst. Sometimes I like to revel in that self-pity for just a while so that the next day I'm ripe for a rebound.