Imported Poems

Continuation of Prince Beautiful et all

At this point in the story, the author, who wishes to remain anonymous, feels compelled to list the actors associated with each role, in order to avoid having to describe them, a task which she compares to enduring several enemas at once. As the most beautiful man in the land (indeed, the entire planet), Prince Beautiful is played by Orlando Bloom. And the author would be remiss if she did not include Jude Law as Prince Charming, since he did such a splendid job portraying Lord Alfred Douglas in the movie “Wilde”. Plus, he’s another hot British guy. Finally, the valiant Knight known as Ms Tanya is depicted by - er - a close friend of the author, who, uh, lives in Florida and writes a lot, although when called upon she can act, though she has never really acted, but the author is certain she could if she were asked, especially if she played opposite Mr. Bloom, whom she fantasizes ab- greatly respects as an actor.
Now back to our story…
After her conversation with Charming, our noble knight returned to Prince Beautiful’s castle, which was located within a pretty green forest and all that other descriptive muck that accompanies such fictional pieces, and called up to him. “Hey-Ho, Prince! I have returned.”
She waited a moment, but her greeting met with no reply, and so she hollered again. “Hey you!”
“Just a minute!” came the answer, and 1 hour later, the handsome prince finally appeared at the window. “Sorry. I was practicing my hair toss,” he panted, demonstrating the move with a calculated wave of his head.
“Your hair toss?” she declared, frowning. “What for?”
“OH, for my audience.”
“You have an audience?”
The Prince sighed - yes, again - and gazed at Ms Tanya in disgust. “You know, I’m really beginning to wonder if you’re smart enough to rescue me. Of course I have an audience! I’m the most beautiful man in the world! And it’s a very demanding job, constantly being called on to toss one’s hair or bare one’s chest. ‘Oh Prince Beautiful, what’s swimming beneath your trousers? Oh Prince Beautiful, show us nipplage!’ The poor peas haven’t had a moment’s rest since they were discovered years ago during auditions,” Prince beautiful remarked, tweaking his own nipples..
“Well they are lovely,” our Knight replied, staring at the small, pointed orbs, “and your areolas are remarkably beautiful, so wide and pink…”
“Oh thank-you….”
“But what am I saying?!” she suddenly interrupted, shaking her head to clear her mind. “I have to kill a cave dragon, and that’s going to be a problem, seeing as there isn’t one in this story.”
“Yes there is,” the prince replied, pointing to some trees. “Right over there.”
“Those are trees, prince,” our valliant hero snorted. “Can’t you tell a tree from a dragon, man?”
“No. Behind them, silly knight,” he countered, as he cleaned his ear out with a Q-tip.
“But I thought there were no dragons in this story?”
“No, YOU said there were no dragons in this story. Stop putting words into my mouth.”
“I haven’t put anything into your mouth!” she declared. “Although…but that is for the X-rated version. “ She was preparing to go into great detail about the adult-themed piece, expounding upon its finer prurient and dissolute points when suddenly there came footsteps from behind, and a man and female emerged from out of the wood. “Who are you?” she muttered furiously, angry that they had interrupted her.
“This is Hansel, and I am Gretel,” the woman replied.
“Aren’t you a little old for two children?” our knight snipped.
“But it’s been several years since the witched tried to burn us,” Hansel retorted. “We’ve been living in the woods since then. We just came to pay our homage to Prince Beautiful. Oh Prince Beautiful!” he cried, yelling up to the handsome man in the window. “What’s that swimming beneath your trousers?”
“Show us nipplage!” Gretel demanded.
Retrieving the .9mm Glock beneath her armor, our splendid heroine raised the gun and shot them dead. “Now then,” she said, returning her gaze to Prince Beautiful. “Where were we?”
Beautiful gasped. “What did you did that for?!” he demanded.
“They interrupted me.”
“Do you shoot everyone who interrupts you?” he inquired.
“Pretty much, but they were extraneous characters, unessential to the plot so nothing is lost.”
The prince snorted. “Just two lives.”
“Oh whatever. Tell me about this cave dragon, will you?”
Prince Beautiful whined. “Oh, I can’t. My manicurist is here. We’re working on developing an ‘English manicure‘ as an answer to the French.”
Ms Tanya smiled. “A hobby of yours? It’s nice to see you have outside interests.”
“Yes - I’m always interested in myself, of course, but I figured as Prince Beautiful I could make a killing off of beauty products and services. Don’t you agree?”
“What an excellent idea!” she enthused.
“Oh, before I go, here, I made something for you,” he said, then reaching into his quarters retrieved a cloth and threw it down to her. “It’s an apron.”
Ms Tanya held it up for inspection. “Oh, it’s lovely. Thanks. I’ll use it when cooking spaghetti,” she remarked.
“You miss the point. It’s a magic apron.”
“Oh,” our Knight Ohed. “What does it do?”
“It’s fireproof. See the label?!
Turning the apron over, Ms Tanya scanned the tag. “It says ‘Made in China…like everything else. We also make universes and natural laws. For details, visit www.ChinaisGod.com.”
“No! Beneath that!”
“Ah, I see now. Fireproof.”
“Made from the finest fibers known to man - my hair,” he boasted, tossing his luxurious, brunette tresses, much to the pleasure of people everywhere, who “Oh’d”, “Ahhed” and “Oi Seed”, which is the phonetic spelling for Japanese, meaning “Oh yeah, baby!”
The two said their good-byes, and Knight Tanya proceeded to the Cave whist Prince Beautiful consulted with the royal manicurist on the topic of English verses French nails.