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What to do?

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by
Countess
, 07-01-2007 at 12:59 PM (1339 Views)
I'm side-stepping the story for a moment to discuss a personal delimma. Remember the guy who asked me out? Well, we've been spending time together, but I really don't feel it will end well. At most I want a limited friendship, but I know he wants more. I know for sure he wants sex.

On a fundamental level, we are too different. He'll talk on the phone for an hour; I want to get off after 10 minutes. I often find myself browsing the internet, every once in awhile tuning in to ask a question or to comment 'Uh-huh' - or simply wandering off inside my head during our conversations. Furthermore, Friday night he called at midnight and 1AM. Now granted, I get off work at 11PM, but I'm in no mood to converse at the witching hour, or afterwards. I want to relax - stare at the moon, listen to the crickets, take a lonesome walk - not blab away on the stupid telephone. Plus, no matter what time I get off, I consider it rude to call so late.

In addition, he's pushy. When my back hurt I told him I wanted to stay home; he asked if he could come over, I politely said "no", I just want to relax. He kept suggesting it until he realized the answer was NO. And he's manipulative too. He offered to massage my back when I did see him (and I took him up on the offer, because I was in pain) but I was under no delusion that he was rubbing it because he sincerely wanted to expedite my suffering. He just liked the idea of touching naked flesh (I kept my arms by my sides so there could be no oops! slip-around to the breast region).

I like to use personality profiles to understand people - where they are coming from - so I evaluated him and figured he's probably Extroverted ( no self-respecting introvert would converse for an hour on the phone. I wouldn't even talk to Orlando Bloom for that long (if he called me!!!), Intuitive, Thinking, Judger (ENTJ) so, I looked up ENTJ, and discovered it was the "Aggressive Personality Type", and discovered the career most suited for this type is attorney - and he has his law degree. Granted, the most successful people in this world are ENTJ's, but as an INFP/INFJ, I can truthfully say "Good for you". I know I'm supposed to be impressed by earthly success, but it has never impressed me. Rather, talent is what astonishes me - a great poet, a gifted musician, an accomplished martial artist, a good actor - those sorts of things send me through the roof.

In any case, because I am "sensitive" I have a bad habit of appeasing others in order to make them happy/keep the peace/be liked, etc. His personality is the run-over kind and mine is the runee. I see very bad things happening here.

So, I don't know what to do. Do I say "Look; I just want to be friends; no sex. If you still want to hang out, that's fine" or do I say "Go away and leave me alone" or what?

He probably doesn't have a heart to break (thankfully!) but I don't want to be mean.

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  1. andave_ya's Avatar
    oh man yeah! ENTJ's are the fieldmarshals. I know a couple of them and though they are very nice they are hard to be with for a very long time. If I was in your shoes I'd probably say go away and leave me alone BUT that's probably because I'm an INTJ. Sorry, this doesn't help very much does it?
  2. mtpspur's Avatar
    I see a car wreck up ahead. Oh my if I had JUST thought that yellow caution light was there for a reason. Oh Countess have not my many thinly disguised stories of trying to win the love of ladies (or get lucky) taught you nothing??!!! I suspect we both (I KNOW I do) like to dance near the fire (to borrow from Duran Duran) and I assure you the flames WILL eat you up from bitter experience. I mean this with love and rspect---don't lower your guard --for God's sake don't settle --. If there has been one bone of contention in my marriage (of quite a few vastly picked over) it's been the suspicion that Ruth settled--but that would deny God's predetemined will so I then figure I'm her punishment for whatever sins she's done--thus the 'long suffering' title-quit digressing--this is about the Countess---not you. It has always been a tragedy to see spirited, phenomenal women fall into traps in weak (hopefully) short periods of loneliness. You remind me of my beoved Susie in that area. Too bad you're not a phone person--I'ld be a bit less polite about Mr. Opportunist looking to add a notch to his score -- but I'm too fond of you to create that sort of rift. My experience with the ladies it's easier to dump me then face a few unpleasant moments. This does not mean I don't care about your decisions---I'm annoyed your woman power isn't effective with this guy. Attorney indeed. Only doctors make wrose AAA members to deal with. The usual love and respect and I at least know where I stand with you---Rich (who has fantasies anyway--so there).
  3. applepie's Avatar
    I would have to say to end it before the whole thing really starts. I've made similar mistakes in the past, and it is much easier to never start dating than to end it later. I tend to try to do what others want also, but on this it is necessary to be firm. The people around you, who think you should be climbing all over this guy, are not the ones who have to deal with him. If you have bad feelings then just let him know you want to be friends, that is if that is what you want. If you don't even want that, then just tell him to get lost... well maybe not in those exact words since that is pretty rude and not even something I could do, but I'm sure you get the picture. Best of luck to you Countess.
  4. Countess's Avatar
    Thanks all. RICH, right now I'm being the coward I am and screening my calls. Of course, there's never a time when I don't screen them, since I hate talking on the phone (I have to rally myself to the cause first.) Then tomorrow - knowing me - I'll claim a stomach virus/bad fever had me in bed. Most likely I'll write him an email delineating the ground rules, then allow him to decide whether he wants to pursue me or not..................... ANDAVE -yeah, Fieldmarshals are great in the professional sphere, but I don't see myself going home with Bill Gates or Napoleon, do you? I'm more an Igmar Bergman / Johnny Depp kinda girl - I'm very fond of my own personality type - LOL! We can look at each other and say "Go Away. I want to be alone." and the other would say "Fancy that. So do I. See you tomorrow." Reduces miscommunication.
  5. Virgil's Avatar
    The way you describe that Countess it seems to me that even friendship is out of the question. What makes you even want to still be friends? If it's that bad, perhaps it's best to sever the whole thing.
  6. Mortis Anarchy's Avatar
    Watch out. Your describing my ex boyfriend...its better to end it right away and avoid bad confrontations in the end. I'm an INFP and know where you are coming from (even though I could stay on the phone for hours with the right person)...I'd be wary of friendship type thing as well. I tried that and he ended up trying to manipulate me and 'get me back' or whatever...good luck with whatever you do!
  7. mtpspur's Avatar
    Proverbs 24:6 (KJV) states: For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counselors there is safety."

    I believe I and my fellow comment posters have come to a consensus and I don't won't you hurt by Mr. Slick.

    By the by I've massaged a back or two but darn they NEVER took the shirt off. Thus Mr. Slick. Sigh.
  8. Countess's Avatar
    I didn't take my shirt off either - LOL! - he took the liberty of running his hands up my shirt. Yeah - slick. Everyone here is quite right and very wise. Alright, I need to search for some intestinal fortitude. Let's see, where did I put my bravery...