Reflections on the puddle of life

So here are a couple of transcripts from clips of Outnumbered, for those who aren't able to view them. Unfortunately, it's just not as funny without the visuals and the tone, but it's the best I can do I'm afraid!

This scene is entitled: "Bleeping Bollocks" and is Karen's take on Gordon Ramsey:

(Karen is sitting on a bed playing with teddies.)

Karen: (using teddy 1) you're a beeping beep I’ve seen better beeping soufflé up your beeping beep beep. (pick up teddy two - covers its eyes with its hands). Oh boo hoo waa haa I hate Hell's Kitchen it’s too hot its too horrid, bye bye, bye byee, boo hoo hoo hoo (Throws teddy away. Picks up another teddy and a mixing bowl and spoon). Here’s Nigella. Ooo-eee aahh-eee, slurpy scurpy lovely bubbly scrummy bubbly tasty masty slurpy burpy.

(Cuts to stairs. Karen is sitting on the stairs surrounded by teddies. She has one in each hand and is enacting with them.)
Karen: You're a beeping waste of beeping space.

Ben: Why are you saying beep? It’s babyish.

Karen: It is not, because whenever Gordon Brown says a swear word on telly there’s a man behind him with a big machine that puts a beep over him.

Ben: You’ve got it all wrong. For one it’s Gordon Ramsey not Gordon Brown and two he has a beeper in his pocket so when he’s gonna say a swear word he hits his pocket and it makes a beeping sound.

Karen: Yeah but sometimes when he swears he says : “you beeping” (waves arms around madly) and his arms wave in the air really wildly.

Dad: (from downstairs): Hi everyone.

Cut scene.

This next scene is entitled: Mouse Killer.
(Mum & Dad are in the kitchen. Karen enters the room)

Karen: Murderer!
Mum: What?
Karen: You murdered a mouse and now it’s in a trap in the laundry room
Mum (whispers to Dad): I thought you were going to sort it.
Karen: Murderer
Mum: Why me? Why are you blaming me?
Dad: Well you wouldn’t want mice in the house would you?
Karen: Why not
Dad: Well because they’re dirty and they smell
Karen: so does Ben.
Dad: But they run around the house and they poo everywhere.
Karen: so does Ben.
Ben (running into the room) That’s not fair, I had diarrhoea.
Karen: But you got it on that man’s shoes
Dad: Yes, well they probably should have toilets on the Millennium wheel. God what a long half hour that was.
Mum: anyway Karen it’s nearly tea time. Come on help me set the table, you did such a fantastic job last time.
Karen: No, you’re a mouse killer. (walks out of the room)
Mum: Karen!

A short while later, Karen comes back into the room.

Karen: Where is that mouse that you killed?
Dad: I put it in a plastic bag in the bin
Karen: I want to give it a proper funeral in the garden, it needs closure.
Dad: Closure? Right, well err. As long as you promise to keep it in the plastic bag (Karen grabs the bag) Don’t snatch. And you thoroughly wash your hands afterwards.
Karen: Was it a girl or a boy?
Dad: I haven’t had the results of the post mortem.
Karen: Well, if it was a Mummy mouse it might have had lots of little babies waiting in its hole waiting for it to come back and saying, “squeak squeak squeak where’s my Mummy?"
Mum: Why are you addressing all this to me?
Karen: Because Daddy said you were the one who couldn’t bear mice.
Dad: look I only… Karen, it was both of us that decided to put out the traps okay?
Karen: Did she tell you to say that?
Mum: Karen!

Karen is outside digging a hole in the ground

Karen: Brethrens, we are gathered here in the bosom of Jesus to say goodbye to this, to this mouse. Killed before its time. We have given it cheese and bread for its journey to heaven, or at least if it goes to hell it’ll have cheese on toast. Next up is the Pope (pulls up a teddy). Dust to dust for richer or for poorer in sickness or in health may the force be with you because you’re worth it. Amen and out. Thank you Pope.

Cuts to a cross Karen has placed to mark the grave which reads: Mouse. Died 2008. Killed by Mummy.


So, it's all quite ordinary really. It reminds me so much of discussions we have with the kids, just their general mannerisms and ways of expressing themselves. Because they pick up a lot from TV, and also they forget stuff and can't then express it properly. For example, every Friday night we have a movie with the kids and the kids take it in turns to pick the movie. This week it was Caitlin's turn to choose, which is always a bit of a trial. This is how the conversation went:

Me: What movie do you want to watch tonight Caitlin?

Caitlin: Um. I can't remember what it's called. It's Kieran's favourite.

Me: Kieran, what's your favourite movie?

Kieran: I don't have a favourite movie.
And anyway, I'm not saying because it's Caitlin's turn to pick the movie (this is because Kieran has got in trouble before for 'hinting' what he wants to watch until Caitlin picks it.)

Me: Okay, what happens in this movie?

Caitlin: I don't know.

Dad: Has it got real people in it or is it a cartoon?

Caitlin: Real people.

Me: And what's it about?

Caitlin: Um, I can't remember. It's got fighting in it. (Great, this cuts it down to about 90% of the movies ever made)

Kieran: Has it got robots in it?

Caitlin: No.

Me: Is it in space?

Caitlin: No.

Me: Can you remember anything else about it, other than fighting?

Caitlin: Um. Well, they're fighting. And one man is chasing another man and they jump on buildings. It's Kieran's favourite.

Dad: Is it the Matrix (I can see where he's going with this but Caitlin hasn't seen the Matrix).

Caitlin: No.

Dad: Is it Star Wars?

Caitlin: (laughing) No.

Me: I think she'd have remembered Star Wars.

Kieran: Has it got a monster in it?

Caitlin: No.

Dad: Is it Transformers?

Caitlin: No.

Me: She already said no robots. Can you remember anything else about it?

Dad: Is it Back to the Future?

Caitlin: No.

Me: We watched that last week. Caitlin, what else happens in it?

Caitlin: Um, well, they're jumping on buildings.

Me: Yes, and? What kind of buildings? Big buildings, small buildings?

Caitlin: Big buildings.

Me: And can you remember anything else about them?

Caitlin: well they're kind of, um, well, some of them aren't all finished.

Me: (flash of inspiration - this sounds like the building site chase in Casino Royale) Is it a James Bond film?

Caitlin: Yes.

Me: It's Casino Royale. (Gets the box out of the cupboard). This is the one isn't it? With James Bond in it. (Passes box to Caitlin).

Caitlin: Yes, that's it. (She looks at the box. I congratulate self, we all sigh with relief. Moments pass.)

Caitlin: Is this the sad one?
(explanatory note & spoiler if you haven't seen it....




when Vesper Lynd dies at the end Caitlin always gets really, really upset).

Me: Yes, this is the sad one.

Caitlin: Where the girl dies?

Me: Yes.

Caitlin: I don't want to watch that one.


So after what was, roughly, 10 minutes of trying to figure out which film it was she wanted to watch, we didn't watch it. We watched The World is Not Enough instead.