andave's place

hehe, there's a lot on my mind today, and I'm not quite sure how to put it out...

Next week is midterms, and it's going to be crazy insane. I've got three midterms and a speech (all of which I should be studying for/working on.). Last week went by in a flash -- I did almost all of my homework for it last weekend so that I could spend the time studying.

But then I got sick again. REALLY sick, and I'm still sick now and it's been more than a week. It's a bad chest cold, I think, and it's been wreaking havoc on me. I'm getting over it slowly, although it went to my ear (again!), which means it'll probably be another month or so before I'm really healthy again. It was terrible last weekend; I couldn't even make it through all three of my classes on Monday; i had to miss one of them.

And before getting the chest cold, I had just gotten over a cold. It was like this last semester, too, always sick.

I AM getting enough sleep, I promise. I try to get eight hours minimum. And I AM eating well--veggies and protein and iron and everything. And I take my vitamins. And I'm usually fairly laid-back so to chalk it all up to stress seems a bit thick. I don't have time to exercise, right now.

I never got sick so often at home. At first, we thought it was because of all the changes: food, weather (oh goodness, the weather. SNOW IS DEPRESSING.), people. But it didn't go away!!

So my mom shared a theory with me, and I admit it makes a lot of sense. Before I left for college, both her and I were afraid that the hardest part for me would be adjusting to going from having my own room to sharing it with two strangers. I'm the type of person that needs solitude to recharge and to be myself, no faces to present to the world.

I thought the crisis was averted, when I met my roommates, Carissa and Emma. They're wonderful girls, and I don't think I could have gotten better roommates if I picked them out myself. They're fun, sweet, and godly girls and between the three of us there's a good balance. I've learned so much from them and really thought that they were just right, so I could manage without alone time.

And honestly, I've never really felt a need to be alone, since coming here. But my mom's theory is that I really do need my downtime, and my body's telling me so. That's why my immune system's gone wimpy. The reason why I haven't felt especially in need of it is because I usually do force myself to do what's right. Basically, I can lump it, if I don't like it .

That trait has held me in good stead for my life so far. I think, though, that that's because I've never had to "lump" it for too long. It's not to say that I haven't been in some relatively tough places, but they haven't lasted long enough to really manifest themselves in my health.

But now, I'm in college. This is long-term. This will seriously make things harder for me. My parents are looking into investing into property here (which would make life easier for me, because then I would have down time) but we're still in very early stages - talking and praying. So I don't feel like that's something I can count on quite yet, although my roommates and I are already talking about our "Patty's Place."

But it's all right. There's nothing wrong with it at all! I feel like I can handle it, and come out alive and whole and hearty, and that no matter what happens life will be good.

Oh! It will be good. Because God is good. Because there's no need for ME to be strong--my strength comes from God alone. I wish I could make you feel what I feel! I'm held in the palm of God's hand, and He knows me by name, and He actually cares about what happens to ME. I mean, come on, I'm just a random college kid...except I'm HIS!

This whole time - until this morning, even, I felt like things were wrong between me and God. I knew He was there, He loved me -- but I hadn't been in fellowship -- I hadn't communed with Him, really and truly and on a deeper heart level -- in such a long time and everything felt wrong. I was approaching schoolwork wrong; I was doing it for the grade rather than for His glory. I knew it was all wrong, and I was praying and asking Him for forgiveness and to come and visit me with the Holy Spirit.

I didn't doubt Him - I've been His long enough to understand that He's still there overlooking things, but I wasn't walking with Him the way I was supposed to -- the way I long to. Life felt sludgy and sticky and just wrong. I've been His long enough that I can't separate myself - I don't know how and I don't want to - from who I am in Christ; it IS my identity and all that I want to be - but that communion wasn't there and I felt like I was cheating.

Until this morning. These past few months have been mad, and between getting snowed in for two weeks, getting too sick to go to church, and not getting a ride to my church I haven't been to my church for a month, I think. But this morning, my RA picked me up and we drove to church together and I walked into the building with a sense of relief, of getting back to normalcy.

As we were getting deeper into singing I began realizing that things were falling into alignment. It's a feeling like no other! Things realigned and all of a sudden that dull feeling in my heart was replaced with pure bubbly joy, like I haven't felt in a long while. Jesus again clicked into His rightful place: first and foremost in everything I say and do. I wanted nothing more to spend the rest of the day singing and praying (in fact I'm listening to hymns now). It was like thudding back into myself. I feel like I've woken up to a huge hug. I was standing in the back after a coughing fit and leaning against the wall and realizing that I was strong again - because God's arms were wrapped around me and I am resting in Him, my strength and my consolation...even though I don't deserve it. My God! The God that created the world...the Son that died and rose again...He did that for me, I who am a sinner, who can actually forget what it means to be His!

I wish you know what I mean. I wish nothing more than that many of you will someday experience this. I want tears of joy rolling down your face, just like they're rolling down mine right now. I want you to know my Jesus. I want you to have that objective standard. I want you to know the just God who does what's best for me, even when it hurts. I want you to know my Father.

"Oh the deep, deep love/All I need and trust/Is the deep, deep love of Jesus."