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Nostalgia

Drinkin' Again

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by
skib
, 03-26-2010 at 12:02 AM (1250 Views)
Well, I've had a few too many tonight (possibly into the double digits by now. probably into the double digits by counting how many times it takes me to type the right letters) and I'm yet again into a rather divulgitory mood. Don't be surprised if you wake up tomorrow and this blog is gone.
In life of my recent failure to communicate, and thus screwing up a chance at a decent romantic relationship (the first chance I've had in over two years), I've been going over and over in my head who I am and how I have become this person.
When I was a kid (grade school age) I got picked on. A lot. I was overly sensitive and took my 'friends' harrassment to heart. Probably reacting to my reaction, they kept at it. I wasn't exactly bullied, but I got verbally picked on quite a bit, and most often by those I was convinced were my best friends. I put up with this from third grade until I was in eighth grade, when I finally figured out that I wasn't like them in any way, and I never would be. I went into a sort of self-imposed outcasting. It was here I met my most recent ex-best friend, who was my guardian angel from then until we were seniors in high school. I found it strange that, the more I tried to remove myself from people, the more they were drawn to me. I had one buddy- a friend I met on the wrestling team. It was kind of us against the rest of the school. He just didn't really like them, and I wanted nothing to do with most of them and it was here we found our common ground. I was the weird kid that sat alone and read a book at lunch and sat in the back corner of the classroom and didn't say anything unless it really needed saying. About this time in my life I was spending a lot of time in the mountains a few hours west of my hometown. I had spent my entire summer break for four years hiking the hills and met someone who I didn't realize how much would change me.
All I knew was that I didn't fit, and everything felt wrong. I started wearing my dirty hick jeans, muddy boots and flannel to school. I changed my mentality from wanting to fit in to wanting people to just leave me alone. In eighth grade, I met the biggest crush of my life who would remain that until I realized I had no chance. I moved from her to my once best friend on complete accident. I dwelled on her until I met Allison, who you all probably know more about than really necessary.
Looking back on all the stupid crushes that ended in seemingly life-ending heartbreaks, I can trace why I am the way I am. I want to be loved, but I'm so terrified of being hurt like I have been before I can't let anyone get close. As soon as I realize someone might get close enough to hurt me, I shut them out. I run, like I've done in the past. I drink, like I have in the past. At some point in the recent past, I adopted the motto "Nobody closer than gunpoint."
thats all for my drunk blogging. I'm going to go to sleep now and pray for a hangoverless morning tomorrow.
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  1. JuniperWoolf's Avatar
    Heeey, I also got picked on in grade eight. They said that I was "weird" too. I guess I was/am. I'd rather be "weird" than one of them, though; I would never hurt someone just for the fun of it. I don't think that you would either. So I guess that in that regard, the ones who screwed with us did us a favour... they made us better people. Also, if you spend all of your free time reading books because you don't want to talk to douchebags, you're going to up your IQ... they made us smarter too.

    *shrug* I think that being alone is perfectly fine. It's a good philosophy to be strong within yourself and not to rely on other people to make you happy. Also, it's like you said: if you pull away from people, they'll want you more. I don't know why that is, maybe they figure that if you're strong enough to be alone they can borrow from that strength. Whatever it is, I figure that your best bet is to be comfortable in your own skin and let people come to you (or not; learn to be comfortable with the idea of being alone. If being by yourself doesn't freak you out anymore, it won't have power over you). You could use that strength help other people too; it's always a good idea to be as strong physically, psychologically and emotionally as you possibly can so that you can use it to make things better (for everyone).

    I wish you a vomit-free morning.
    Updated 03-26-2010 at 04:31 AM by JuniperWoolf
  2. applepie's Avatar
    Hope the hangover wasn't too bad for you *hugs*. As for being alone, picked on, and generally an outcast... I get that, and you know what, it sucks. Hell, I'm still there for the most part, but eventually you have to just start looking for the good in things and people.

    I have a theory on people in my life and friendships. I've more ex-friendships than any normal person should count, but I'm good with that. People come into your life, but I simply never expect them to be permanent. I kind of hope a few of them will like my husband and a few others, but I don't really believe it till it happens. One thing that I have found is that everyone who has come and gone has taught me something and helped me to grow as an individual. Whether it was a fun lesson or one in heartbreak, I learned, and that is something. It gives it a purpose even if it isn't an enjoyable thing to go through.

    Take Care,
    Meg
  3. Virgil's Avatar
    Oh Skib. I would estimate that 90% of people went through a similar growing up. I did. It's only with age that one realizes how common it is. Don't fret bud. Life has a way of settling in.
  4. skib's Avatar
    Thanks for reading yall!
  5. IJustMadeThatUp's Avatar
    When it comes to love, you generally screw up a lot. I know I do. Most of the people I dated, was only because I pitied them for liking me.
    Hell, I even quit university and spent a good chunk of what was meant to be the best years of my life in a really bad relationship. I just try to take the positives from it, like I now know what I don't want in a relationship, and I appreciate my healthy relationships a lot more. It also concreted my love for the bush and country lifestyle I think you should try take the same approach, think about what you've learned and try to take it onboard.

    I can also sympathise about the school/bullying thing. I hung around with the popular group and put up with horrible people who were horrible to me, for God knows what reason. After I finished high school I came to my senses and cut off all contact with them. Anyway, I'm sure what my point is, I just want to say "I hear ya buddy"
  6. qimissung's Avatar
    Yeah, hang in there. You're a great guy, and most people, including girls, just want someone to come along and like them for who they are.

    Just enjoy your life and the good things in it, including yourself. When you get older and are no longer overly sensitive, it all gets easier. Maybe not easy, but easier.