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Virgil

Mother Returns Adopted Child

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Perhaps by now you may have seen this disturbing story.
Russia furious over adopted boy sent back from US

By NATALIYA VASILYEVA and KRISTIN M. HALL, Associated Press Writers Nataliya Vasilyeva And Kristin M. Hall, Associated Press Writers – Sat Apr 10, 2:21 am ET

MOSCOW – Russia threatened to suspend all child adoptions by U.S. families Friday after a 7-year-old boy adopted by a woman from Tennessee was sent alone on a one-way flight back to Moscow with a note saying he was violent and had severe psychological problems.
The boy, Artyom Savelyev, was put on a plane by his adopted grandmother, Nancy Hansen of Shelbyville.

“He drew a picture of our house burning down and he’ll tell anybody that he’s going to burn our house down with us in it,” she told The Associated Press in a telephone interview. “It got to be where you feared for your safety. It was terrible.”

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov called the actions by the grandmother “the last straw” in a string of U.S. adoptions gone wrong, including three in which Russian children had died in the U.S.

In an exclusive interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos, Dmitry Medvedev said the boy “fell into a very bad family.”
[Snip]
You can read the rest of the story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_russia_adopted_boy

There are also a few video clips from various news media which are worth watching:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfu54T6A__c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzUOU6usHAk

Now this is disconcerting to begin with, but given that I’m in the middle of an adoption process, you can understand why this story concerns my wife and me. It’s hard to tell what’s the truth here, but I suspect both the child and the parents are somewhat dysfunctional. The article briefly mentions that the mother is a single parent. That in itself is problem one. Two, the child is seven years old and probably has either had a dysfunctional birth family or has spent his entire childhood in an orphanage. It is hard (not impossible) for children to get the proper socialization at those critical ages when they are in an relatively unsupervised orphanage. This is why we have insisted on wanting infant. Three, the adopting mother obviously is not completely in touch with reality. Even if she wanted to give back a child, you can’t believe that putting him on a plane and sending him back is sufficient.

Russia seems in my opinion over reacting to the concerns with the US. The ABC news video cites that the US adopts 1600 children per year from Russia and that over “several years” there were 15 child abuse concerns. Now I don’t know what “several years” amounts to, but even for one year, that’s less than one percent and over three years less than a third of a percent. Now I would think that child abuse runs at a higher frequency than that for birth parents. The amount of checking they’ve done in our history has been extensive, I can vouch for that. I don’t know what kind of agency this woman used and to what extent her background was checked. But none of the articles mentions any criminal history and while the boy claims (and I believe him) that she pulled his hair, there isn’t any other mention or signs of violence. While I don’t condone her pulling his hair, it doesn’t seem that she was extreme in her discipline. Her real crime was putting him on a plane.

Now Russia’s threat to suspend US adoptions really concerns us. Yes, we are adopting from Kazakhstan and not Russia, but Kazakhstan is a former Soviet satellite and Russia has a particular influence on them. I truly hope this doesn’t affect our adoption or experience in the next few weeks.
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  1. qimissung's Avatar
    That is sad and disturbing. I bet you're right, too, that there was/is dysfunction on both sides. I cannot imagine what the family was thinking, though, to put him on a plane, alone.

    Did they try therapy or counseling, of any kind, I wonder?

    My cousin and her husband adopted a little girl, many years ago. They already had two biological sons, and later had a third.

    They had "trouble" with the little girl at first. She had temper tantrums. We are not close, but I didn't hear much about her in particular for years until she grew up. Apparently she is bi-polar. She had a child out of wedlock and doesn't always do a great job of parenting, I guess. Nor does she always take her meds.

    My sister actually said to them ( couldn't believe this, but she was nice) "Didn't you adopt her because you wanted a girl? Be careful what you wish for."

    But you take a chance any time you become a parent. Kids don't come with warranties or guarantees. My cousin and her husband signed on for life. So did I. So do all good parents.

    Don't worry, Virgil. Your kid is going to be OK.
  2. The Comedian's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by qimissung
    But you take a chance any time you become a parent. Kids don't come with warranties or guarantees.

    Don't worry, Virgil. Your kid is going to be OK.
    I can't say it any better than this. You're in my thoughts big V.
  3. Virgil's Avatar
    Thanks Qimi and Comedian. I'm sure it will be ok. As I've said somewhere before, this whole process feels so insecure.
  4. 1n50mn14's Avatar
    What? Since when can you just 'return' children...? Maybe this is why people are so lax about having kids. 'Oh, if it doesn't work out, we'll just send it back... we'll worry about where, later...'
  5. Virgil's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by BeccaT
    What? Since when can you just 'return' children...? Maybe this is why people are so lax about having kids. 'Oh, if it doesn't work out, we'll just send it back... we'll worry about where, later...'
    Yes, I know. I don't believe that woman is in complete touch with reality.
  6. motherhubbard's Avatar
    It is an insecure process. You are just days away from holding your baby. I don't think this will have any impact on your adoption. It will be so nice to have it over!

    Poor kid.
  7. Heathcliff's Avatar
    Ooh... Goodness...
    Good thing you're kid is coming from Kathmandu.
    Good thing they'd be too young to intentionally burn your house down.

    Poor kid.
  8. Niamh's Avatar
    I saw that on the news a few days ago and i've been worrying for you guys ever since. That woman is hte one with the mental issues if you ask me. That poor child is going to be tramatised.
    My mams friend was adopting from Belarus a few years back and two days before they flew out they closed the borders on adopting. Heartbreaking. They eventually got a little girl from China.
    My fingers are crossed for both of you!
    Updated 04-11-2010 at 06:12 AM by Niamh
  9. Madhuri's Avatar
    I am sure yours will go smoothly; there is no reason for denying in your case.

    As far as the Russian case is concerned, I think it was wrong. It sounds as if you buy something from a shop and then decide that it doesn't suit you and return it. One is dealing with a human-being, you can't be that irresponsible.
  10. qimissung's Avatar
    I found this on Salon. It can be risky to adopt an older child, and to do so in a country where you know no one takes a lot of bravery. I admire your bravery, Virgil and pussnboots!

    http://www.salon.com/life/adoption/i...ion_russia_boy
  11. mtpspur's Avatar
    Hopefully all will be well. I suspect the Russian reaction is for show and to show proper indignation at an unfortunate situation. In a week or so it will be something else to hold the attention. Probably something involving Brittany Spears.
  12. Virgil's Avatar
    Mom-H: Yes it will be nice to have this over.

    Heathclff: Katmandu??? No, it's Kazakhstan silly.

    Niamh: Your friend's experience shows how insecure this whole process is. A similar thing happened with us and Vietnam. We were a year into the process and it shut down, and they don't return the money one has sunk in.

    Maddie: Thank you. I hope so.

    Qimi: We are fully aware of the risks with non-infant adoptions. We had to take a class on this. This kid's problems does not surprise me.

    Rich: You're probably right. So much of Russian reactions to all sorts of things strike me as show. Frankly they're probably trying to deflect the blame to the adopting mother (of course what she did was irresponsible) to obscure what terrible orphanages they have. Eastern European countries have a reputation for poor orphanages. And by poor I mean the attention and nutrition they give the poor kids. That is why so many people go to the far east. I hope Kazakhstan is closer to the far east than their Russian neighbors. At least it is our perception that they are.
  13. applepie's Avatar
    I'm sure that all will be well, but the sooner things are settled the better you will both feel. Hang in there, and hopefully all will be settled soon. Love, Meg
  14. Virgil's Avatar
    As to all of you who think the mother is completely to blame, I would hold back on that thought. First, before I get to that, let me say once more, putting that kid on a plane by himself was irresponsible. But I do believe this kid was a very serious problem child and I'm fairly certain the Russian orphanage deceived the woman. Here is another article on the topic: http://www.denverpost.com/ci_14860800?source=rss.

    What is surprising is that the adopting mother is a nurse, not some uneducated type.

    Here is a key passage:

    Hansen chronicled a list of problems: hitting, screaming and spitting at his mother and threatening to kill family members.

    Hansen said his eruptions were often sparked when he was denied something he wanted, like toys or video games.

    "He drew a picture of our house burning down and he'll tell anybody that he's going to burn our house down with us in it," she said. "It got to be where you feared for your safety. It was terrible."

    Hansen said she thought that with their love, they could help him.

    "I was wrong," she said.

    Adoption experts say many families are blinded by their desire to adopt and don't always understand what the orphans have sometimes endured — especially older children who may have been neglected or abandoned.
    We all take for granted those first few years of our lives. I've said in a number of places, mothers are the backbone of society. This is one of the reasons why. Can you imagine a world full of people raised in the manner of this kid? If you're well adjusted, thank your mother for her care and love. And that's not to say father's aren't important as well. Don't tell me family structure is meaningless
  15. Maryd.'s Avatar
    Oh Virgil I am sorry, I hope all works out for you. You know where I have come from and I have seen the other side your situation and understand the orphans point of view.
    My prayers and thoughts are with you and your wife.
    Mwah to you both.
  16. Virgil's Avatar
    Meg and Mary, thank you so. You're such good friends.
  17. qimissung's Avatar
    Thank you Virgil, but I didn't really say it for your benefit. I figured you guys knew what you were doing. I just like a topic to be well-rounded.
  18. Virgil's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by qimissung
    Thank you Virgil, but I didn't really say it for your benefit. I figured you guys knew what you were doing. I just like a topic to be well-rounded.
    Ha! You're such as teacher. You can't help yourself even here.
  19. qimissung's Avatar
    I guess your right, Virgil. Busted! But it's so much fun!
  20. Dixon's Avatar
    I really wish you the best and good luck for your adoption process.

    What worries me about this story is what becomes of the little boy. Will he ever get a chance and will he find people being able to handle a difficult child?

    Greetings
    Dixon
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