applepie

First I wanted to thank Countess, Kathy, and Virgil for their comments to my last blog entry. I've spent the last couple of days really thinking everything through and I believe I have the worst of it figured out. Kathy you are right about just throwing it away, and it dawned on me that this is what I used to do. I'm a generally aggressive or even just angry person. Gradually over the last years I've had less and less time to do what I need in order to unwind and let go of the day's frustration. Even just venting to a friend has been somewhat out of the question since my best friend is on the other side of the country with her own problems and I've not wanted to drop anything else on her. So, basically I've quit venting, painting, drawing, writing (which I'm starting to find snippets of time to do again, working a job, and martial arts. These are all of the things that have kept me so much more grounded and controled in the past. Without them I just keep the anger from a hundred small annoyances inside myself and though each individually are not major or even memorable compounding them has created this. So I guess the easy solution is to find the time for some of these things.

Martial arts classes are out since there isn't a dojo here that teaches my particular style, but I can start practicing each day again when I can fit it in. I don't have enough money to buy new painting supplies, or a place to set up, but that has become a priority when we are moved back home to Ohio in another year or so. I'm going to set up an area in the house as my studio. There I can keep my laptop and sewing machine, plus fabric, painting supplies, and plenty of sketchbooks with charcoals (my favorite to sketch with). I may even be able to find the time to start visiting my old martial arts school and taking classes, or at least going up to fight on Friday nights. Nothing is better at releasing pent up aggression than a nice, but still controlled, fight. As for more immediate fixes, I'm going to start making a real effort to take some time to do some of these things every day. I will also be returning to work within a year and that will help more than anything. I've loved being able to stay home and raise my children, but I need the challenge of work. Before staying home I was a manager at a restaraunt and I worked 40+ hours every week. I loved nothing more than the long weeks where I worked 52 hours and everything was going crazy. That challenge was always my outlet for anger and it worked perfectly. Even though my new job will be in an office I think that the challenge combined with the more artistic nature of marketing will be enough to satisfy me.

So, thanks yet again to everyone and their comments. I think just by going through the thought process over the last few days has helped. Now that I really see the issue I can begin to remedy it. I've never been able to completly do away with my temper and anger, that is just a part of me and not something I think I would give up even if I had that option. It is tied to some of the things I like best about myself, but I do need to relearn how to channel it properly again so that I'm not the walking time-bomb that I've felt like during the last three years or so.