Progymnasmata
When The Comedian is Your Leader: My Manifesto of Dictatorship
by , 03-16-2010 at 12:13 PM (2626 Views)
Okay, I've wanted to write this for a long time. Let's say that something went terribly well with the world, me, The Comedian, was established as dictator of the United States.
And for the love of all that is Holy about LitNet -- this blog is for entertainment purposes only! If The Comedian reads one word about politics, democrats, republicans, Tories, the domestic policy of the Netherlands, libertarian "frontier mentality" or any other nonsense, I'll disable the comments and speak alone. Oh, and I'll ask Admin to enforce subset to rule #1 upon you!
Okay, here's the listed order of my mandates:
Mandate regarding politics: All political parties will be abolished: No democrats, no republicans, no libertarians, no communists, no socialists, no nudists. No Nuthin'. When The Comedian is dictator, politics is about solvin' problems, not the teams (such as the a fore mentioned) we cheer for. Why? Because sports fans are losers. And the last thing we need is more losers.
When The Comedian steps down from leadership, the country will elect an unaffiliated person to the office of supreme leader and dictator.
Subset to rule #1: all attempts to form a political party will be punished by having to listen to the complete ('00-10 decade) recorded political commentaries of CNN, FOX News, The Rush Limbaugh Show, and Kieth Oberman with intermittent breaks to show the "highlights" of the Detroit Lions (NFL) 2009 season. (NOTE: punishment is also the cure).
Mandates regarding taxes: I'm going to raise taxes like hell. Here's on what:
- video games and game consuls: tax increase = 50,000%. You don't want to pay that much for gaming? Then don't game. Learn carpentry; write poetry; sew. Do something worthwhile; built your real character; trade in those worthless experience points for actual experience.
- pay-for-calories: idea is simple. Food will now be charged by the "calorie". If you want to drink that 450 calorie soda instead of the 0 calorie water, then get out your wallet amigo. It'll cost ya. You want to eat like a pig?: think celery.
- emoticons: emoticons will have a "level-of-annoyance" rating system, devised by me, that when combined with my Internet surveillance funcationalities, will charge the end-user per emoticon use with the more highly rated on the "level-of-annoyance" scale being charged more. So if you want to
, then make sure you love birds pool your resources before doing so.
- golf: because golf is an atrocity to the human character and to the character of the landscape, atrocious golfers will have to pay atrocious prices to continue their atrocious habit. The details:
a. 1000% tax hike on golf balls. You lose your balls, you better have a big wallet.
b. 1000% hike on golf clubs and golf bags NOTE: if you use a trashbag to tote your clubs, you'll receive a 20% tax discount.
c. 100,000% tax increase on golf carts and cart rentals. These will now be "elite" items reserved only for the Forbes 500. Everyone else will be cursed with walking.
d. Here's where The Comedian gets his jollies: a new usage fee of $10,000/per gallon of water used to irrigate, sprinkle or douse any aspect of the golf course. This fee will be raised to $50,000/gallon in arid areas.
"But Comedian", you say, "No golf course will pay this much for water. Won't this mean that we'll have to whack our balls in the dirt? The natural environment can't sustain golf, except maybe in a few areas." To which, I'll say, "now, you're catching on".
Mandates regarding education: Learning will be a priority under The Comedian's dictatorship. Here are the highlights:
- community gardens: all communities will maintain fertile, productive gardens by local gardeners. Through a unique collaboration between retirement communities and elementary schools, young and old will develop fruit and vegetable gardens to help support local food vendors. Young 'uns will learn from the aged on the topics of botany, civics, economics and more. Truck loads of manure will be supplied by government agencies.
- dress codes/uniforms: students of all ages will wear a professional-looking uniform to school. If they want to pine-away about their individuality, then they are free to express this yearning in a poem, the community garden, a science project, or some other such thing. The Comedian knows that uniforms help cut through the crap of superficial social interactions.
- Hello, memorization; we never forgot you: The Comedian's grandmother had to memorize John Greenleaf Whittier's poem "Snowbound" as a child. She could still recite it in her 70s. The Internet and pedagogical pendants have killed our memories. No more! A strong memory is a vital skill: it makes our minds quicker to react, see patterns, and reflect on new experiences. And students will memorize all sorts of stuff -- from mathematical equations to Shakespearean sonnets. Hell, maybe we'll even have classes on just memorizing things.
So ends section one, page one of The Manifesto of The Comedian.
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