amoretic

[cacian]

love speaks
volume
in different
tunes

it is either
happy
miserable
or nodding

it plays music
when it approves of
cubic
togetherness is therapeutic

it sobs mountains
in true
fountains
mixed emotions supernova
it is over

and it goes flat
when it looks for
pats
there is
nothing else on
it goes off track.

[Pompey Bum]

I like the neologistic title. It's like a combination of amor and erotic. And I especially like the way you have varied your rhyme sounds, using them as you chose. What this poem could use is more meter. You told me once you couldn't do it, but I have definitely noticed your verses picking up a natural and unselfconscious cadence over time. Continue to nurture that. You are getting good at it.

Another way to improve your poetry (or anyone else's) would be to use more defined images. You talk about love speaking, playing music, etc. That's great, but why not make love a Love--a god or goddess or anthropomorphic abstraction who is a he or a she? Or maybe love is a merry bride or a prankish child or a hungry sphinx--who knows what lives in Cacian's mind. In any case, the more tangible your images, the more vivid your writing will be. You do this already, so it's more an area for further growth.

[Danik 2016]

"it is either
happy
miserable
or nodding"
I specially liked the idea of the nodding love.

[cacian]

I like the neologistic title. It's like a combination of amor and erotic. And I especially like the way you have varied your rhyme sounds, using them as you chose. What this poem could use is more meter. You told me once you couldn't do it, but I have definitely noticed your verses picking up a natural and unselfconscious cadence over time. Continue to nurture that. You are getting good at it.

Another way to improve your poetry (or anyone else's) would be to use more defined images. You talk about love speaking, playing music, etc. That's great, but why not make love a Love--a god or goddess or anthropomorphic abstraction who is a he or a she? Or maybe love is a merry bride or a prankish child or a hungry sphinx--who knows what lives in Cacian's mind. In any case, the more tangible your images, the more vivid your writing will be. You do this already, so it's more an area for further growth.

Pompey your feedback is valuable to me.
I am glad you think I am improving which is brilliant.
I will keep it at it and take your advice.
I like the idea of tangible and defined. These are the buzz words i need to have in mind.
Thank you for that ;)

[cacian]

"it is either
happy
miserable
or nodding"
I specially liked the idea of the nodding love.

Danik thank you :)

[Hownsich]

"it is either
happy
miserable
or nodding"
I specially liked the idea of the nodding love.

i thought about the same!
cacian, that's a really good piece of art! love it! thanks for sharing!

[cacian]

Hownsich thank you :)