Biggus
05-25-2018, 03:18 AM
FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 1
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy padlock
WHEN I”M SIXTY FOUR
When I’m sixty four
And your back goes out more than you do
I will still love you
When I’m sixty four
And your ears are hairier than your head
I will still share your bed
When I’m sixty four
And you and your teeth no longer sleep together
I will still be your lover
MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD
My brother in law is from Stratford
He went to Shakespeare's school
No of course he didn’t know him
He was in the year above you fool
REMEMBER THE FIFTH
Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember
MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER
My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time
I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK
I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way
(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)
A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN
A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient
MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM
My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out
FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER
Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo
A QUESTION OF HEALTH
If you stopped taking exercise
When you got your first TV remote
And you haven’t eaten lettuce
Since Maggie Thatcher got the vote
If you haven’t seen your feet
Since you were at primary school
And you think that a microwave
Is actually a power tool
If you think that alcohol
Is itself a food group
And you eat more crispy croutons
Than you do low calorie soup
If you answered yes
To any part of this questionnaire
Then someone is reading this
To you in intensive care
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy padlock
WHEN I”M SIXTY FOUR
When I’m sixty four
And your back goes out more than you do
I will still love you
When I’m sixty four
And your ears are hairier than your head
I will still share your bed
When I’m sixty four
And you and your teeth no longer sleep together
I will still be your lover
MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD
My brother in law is from Stratford
He went to Shakespeare's school
No of course he didn’t know him
He was in the year above you fool
REMEMBER THE FIFTH
Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember
MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER
My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time
I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK
I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way
(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)
A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN
A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient
MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM
My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out
FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER
Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo
A QUESTION OF HEALTH
If you stopped taking exercise
When you got your first TV remote
And you haven’t eaten lettuce
Since Maggie Thatcher got the vote
If you haven’t seen your feet
Since you were at primary school
And you think that a microwave
Is actually a power tool
If you think that alcohol
Is itself a food group
And you eat more crispy croutons
Than you do low calorie soup
If you answered yes
To any part of this questionnaire
Then someone is reading this
To you in intensive care