Biggus
04-30-2018, 03:38 AM
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 2
If clergymen can be defrocked
Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed
Or must songwriters be de-composed
And hair stylists get dis-tressed?
GET YOUR DANDER UP
When someone annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so
But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip
But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1
It is a sad fact of life that if
Several things can go to ****,
The one to be befall you
Will cause the most shock
PICTURE THIS
The school had been photographed
All of the children and all the staff
The proofs had come back promptly
And the teacher’s task was simply
Persuading them to buy a copy then
“Just think how nice it will be when
You will be able to look at it One day
When you are all grown up and say,
“There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,” or
“That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.”
A small voice at the back then said
“And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE
My brother and I are chalk and cheese
As hard as I try we just don’t fit
i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign
He has an urge to relieve himself on it
WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN
When a ninety two year old man
Married his eighteen year old bride
She had a blush on her cheeks
And after the wedding breakfast
She was presented with the presents
And he was given two weeks
RAPPED
A man was sent to see a Psychiatrist
For an appointment he could not miss
When the doctor saw the poor chap
He was dressed only in plastic shrink wrap
The Doctor said, with no ifs or buts
“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”
THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS
The inventor of dental floss
Was honoured and hailed
When a piece of commemorative
Plaque was unveiled
PUT DOWN # 60
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him unless he persists then say
“How many times do I have to flush
Before you go away?”
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
The Guinness book of records
Have published an update
The world’s untidiest man has died
And his body is lying in a state
If clergymen can be defrocked
Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed
Or must songwriters be de-composed
And hair stylists get dis-tressed?
GET YOUR DANDER UP
When someone annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so
But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip
But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later
IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1
It is a sad fact of life that if
Several things can go to ****,
The one to be befall you
Will cause the most shock
PICTURE THIS
The school had been photographed
All of the children and all the staff
The proofs had come back promptly
And the teacher’s task was simply
Persuading them to buy a copy then
“Just think how nice it will be when
You will be able to look at it One day
When you are all grown up and say,
“There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,” or
“That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.”
A small voice at the back then said
“And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE
My brother and I are chalk and cheese
As hard as I try we just don’t fit
i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign
He has an urge to relieve himself on it
WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN
When a ninety two year old man
Married his eighteen year old bride
She had a blush on her cheeks
And after the wedding breakfast
She was presented with the presents
And he was given two weeks
RAPPED
A man was sent to see a Psychiatrist
For an appointment he could not miss
When the doctor saw the poor chap
He was dressed only in plastic shrink wrap
The Doctor said, with no ifs or buts
“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”
THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS
The inventor of dental floss
Was honoured and hailed
When a piece of commemorative
Plaque was unveiled
PUT DOWN # 60
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him unless he persists then say
“How many times do I have to flush
Before you go away?”
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
The Guinness book of records
Have published an update
The world’s untidiest man has died
And his body is lying in a state