Biggus
12-24-2017, 10:53 AM
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 4
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why are we having this debate?
If Santa was a woman
How would she navigate?
My wife got lost last week
In a car park in Ramsgate
CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS
Every Christmas day is the same
The Browns come round for lunch
I dread the time as it approaches
There a bloody awful bunch
He’s an opinionated git
She’s a loudmouthed fishwife
Their kids run amuck unchecked
Causing trouble and strife
They drink all my booze
And eat every crumb of food
They’re uncouth and vulgar
Obnoxious and just plain rude
They are a truly horrible family
I wish I could show them the door
They have no redeeming features
God I hate my brother in law
CHRISTMAS CHEER
I went to the pub with my brother
For a Christmas, lunchtime drink
While my wife cooked the dinner
And washed up at the sink
We got thrown out at 4 o’clock
Full of Christmas cheer and gin
We got home ready for Christmas lunch
And found it in the bin
THREE WISE ONES Reprised
The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts
The three wise women
Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
“A virgin not likely, I know the family”
“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
“That Joseph is on the social you know”
“Well a lift home would have been nice”
“That angel was really snooty”
BREAKFAST TIME COMES
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15
Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud
IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie
ARCTIC EDUCATION
At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed
A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE
A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself
THE SANTA CLAUSE
When I was a child
I believed in Santa Claus
When I got older
I didn’t believe in Santa Claus
When I became a parent
I was Santa Claus
Now I have grandchildren
I look like Santa Claus
IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT
If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus
LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY
Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get
IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS
When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4
I've always loved my Santa
Since first we kissed
And he loves me because
I’m on the naughty list
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why are we having this debate?
If Santa was a woman
How would she navigate?
My wife got lost last week
In a car park in Ramsgate
CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS
Every Christmas day is the same
The Browns come round for lunch
I dread the time as it approaches
There a bloody awful bunch
He’s an opinionated git
She’s a loudmouthed fishwife
Their kids run amuck unchecked
Causing trouble and strife
They drink all my booze
And eat every crumb of food
They’re uncouth and vulgar
Obnoxious and just plain rude
They are a truly horrible family
I wish I could show them the door
They have no redeeming features
God I hate my brother in law
CHRISTMAS CHEER
I went to the pub with my brother
For a Christmas, lunchtime drink
While my wife cooked the dinner
And washed up at the sink
We got thrown out at 4 o’clock
Full of Christmas cheer and gin
We got home ready for Christmas lunch
And found it in the bin
THREE WISE ONES Reprised
The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts
The three wise women
Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
“A virgin not likely, I know the family”
“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
“That Joseph is on the social you know”
“Well a lift home would have been nice”
“That angel was really snooty”
BREAKFAST TIME COMES
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15
Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud
IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie
ARCTIC EDUCATION
At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed
A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE
A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself
THE SANTA CLAUSE
When I was a child
I believed in Santa Claus
When I got older
I didn’t believe in Santa Claus
When I became a parent
I was Santa Claus
Now I have grandchildren
I look like Santa Claus
IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT
If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus
LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY
Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get
IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS
When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4
I've always loved my Santa
Since first we kissed
And he loves me because
I’m on the naughty list