Jokes for Humor and Laughter and Giggles all Around

[salvadormourra]

What do you get when cross a kangaroo with a rabbit? I don't know, but it has to be safer than crossing a kangaroo with a gorilla.

Whats the difference between a lollipop and a Popsicle? You lick them both, but sometimes the Popsicle wines and licks you stuck.

Whats similar between a coon and coonie? Just the first 4 letters.

Whats the difference between a laptop and a notebook? Who cares they look the same to me.

Whats do you get when you dig for oil? Not a thing, except maybe some water. You need to use an oil rig to dig for oil ! And then you only strike oil if you lucky or good.

Why is the sky blue? Because someone decided to paint it that color.

Is a turtle ever faster then a rabbit ? Yes, if you have a dead rabbit. By the way the turtle also wins on bugs bunny, but they tricked bugs bunny and its more than one rabbit.

When did the turtle cross the street? I don't know, I was too tired waiting.

What is black and orange? A bruised up pumpkin after Jason got through it.

Is a Joker the best card on the deck? No, it is all relative to what you are playing.

[YesNo]

I liked the one about the turtle and the rabbit.

[kiz_paws]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.."

"What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."

"Well It was my first day with the hook"

[kiz_paws]

What kind of cheese is made backwards?
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EDAM!!

[kiz_paws]

WIFE: I am so happy! I got a glowing report at my annual doctor's appointment. He says that my results were similar to a much younger person's!

HUSBAND: Did he ask you about your fat arse?

WIFE: No, your name never came up....

[tailor STATELY]

An oldy but goody using a bit of license with our local roads:

"Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers on the way to Lake Tahoe, a Highway Patrolman sees a car poking along at 50 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Fifty miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "50" was the highway route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 193."

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[AuntShecky]

WIFE: I am so happy! I got a glowing report at my annual doctor's appointment. He says that my results were similar to a much younger person's!

HUSBAND: Did he ask you about your fat arse?

WIFE: No, your name never came up....

This is funny, and actually a true story often related by Presidential historian Michael Beschloss. The patient returning from the med appointment was Eleanor, and one with the big fat you-know-what was FDR.

But your joke reminded me of another one which you probably heard when you were in third grade.

After examining a man, a doctor consults with the patient's wife. The doctor says, "I don't like the looks of your husband."
And she replies, "I don't either, but he's good with the children."


Oh, oh! Speaking of doctor jokes, I just thought of another one, told to me by an older gentleman with whom my bitter half and I started to converse as we all waited for our respective rides home from the medical facility. The man told me he had a joke that wives appreciate more than husbands, and it went something like this:

A guy dies and upon arriving in Heaven. God asks him if he has any questions about the life he's just left. So the guy says, "Well, yeah. There's something I've always wondered about, Lord. Why was I so fortunate that you would give me such a beautiful wife?"

And God answered, "I made her beautiful so that you would love her."

"Oh, I did!" The man said. "I did love her! She was gorgeous, but why, Lord, why?"

"I just told you, my son. I made her beautiful so you would love her!"

"Oh, well, Thank you, Lord, but let me ask you one more thing. Why did you make her so stupid?"

And God replied: "I made her stupid so that she would love you!"

[kiz_paws]

Ha ha ha! Good ones!

And here is one for you, Aunty!

Why was poor aunt Shecky sent to the corner for clucking like a hen in the grade two classroom?

Because the school had strict rules about any FOWL language....

tee hee! ;)

[MANICHAEAN]

Ireland has a great reputation as a literary nation.

You walk into any pub in Ireland and it's full of writers and poets.

In most other countries they're called drunks.