fariz1417
10-07-2017, 10:37 AM
I would be greatful if you guys could read this short story I wrote and give me some solid critique. Thank you so much.
“No! I don’t want to talk to you! Enough! I’ve had enough! You never have time for me. Always busy!
No! I don’t want to talk about this anymore! Do you have any idea how much it hurts me? All the things I do for you and you never seem to reply to them! Oh don’t give me the time excuse. Why don’t you understand?
I don’t want these things Adi; I want you, your time, and your attention! What will I do with these things? They can’t replace you. I’ve tried to a lot to understand, but when it’s obvious a person doesn’t care enough to stop and think about you for a minute, it’s time to leave. I think we should end this. You have more important things in life!”
Mino finally vent out all the anger building up for months inside her. She shook her head in frustration. Again he was the same as ever, nothing seemed to make a difference. He was as mute just like always. It hurt her even more.
He said nothing. He simply looked at her, she wasn’t looking at him.
“Can we please go home,” she finally said after a long painful silence. “please drop me off at my hostel”
He drove in silence. There was no exchange of the usual goodbyes, take cares, nothing. He always stood outside, until she reached her room and wave at him from her window. Today when she reached her window he was already gone.
Meeno, walked as if lead was tied to her feet. Why did it feel as if a mountain had crushed her, when she had finally lifted the weight off her chest of all the past grievances? With a heavy heart she changed and went to bed.
That night , if tears had colours, her pillow would have the most magnificent colours.
Her phone beeped. Without even bothering to switch it on, she pressed the power button off and closed her eyes.
Despite the pain and heaviness, the heavens favoured her by cloaking her in sleep.
Mino woke up some time later; she looked up groggily, reached for phone habitually. “Adi” the first word her mind said. Seeing her powered off phone, the reminiscences of last night flooded back to her. A pang of remorse ran through her. “Had she done the right thing? “
Without thinking she switched her phone on.
There was no message from him, no phone call, nothing. Just a random message from a university friend that had beeped last night.
Something inside her tightened, that was unlike him. He always messaged, no matter what. But maybe she had been right; he really did not care, he was glad to be rid of her. As she twisted and turned, something poked her back, she reached out find that it was “Olaf”. “Olaf “was the stuffed toy he had given her the first time they had met.
Holding it close to her heart, she thought of all their memories together and drifted off to sleep once more.
Mino was unsure if it was a dream or not. Adie was wearing a giant Olaf costume and waving at her. Mino remembered the softness of Olafs fur. The scene dissolved and Adi was wrapped in bright toffee wrappers; Mino distinctly tasted the flavours of those candies in her mouth. Despite wanting to reach out to him, she found herself shaking her head in refusal. His smile faltered and suddenly he was standing on a cake , that looked more like staircase with childish writing on it as icing. He was holding out his hand towards her. Mino wanted to take his hand but found herself paralysed. He’s wearing a fruit hat and dancing in front of her and again offered his hand. In the background his favourite ringtone was blasting ;Mino desperately wishes to reach out to him; she struggled against the invisible and unknown forces holding her. She shouted his name “Adi! Adi! Adi!’’ But there was so much noise he couldn’t hear her.
Mino woke up with a start, her phone was blaring like a siren. “Adi” She gasped and took hold of her phone.
For a minute she paused to look at the caller ID and disappointment hit her when she saw it’s not him but next second her panic flared up again. It was his sister calling! They know each other well, but why was she calling so early? Mino quickly swiped the phone on.
“Hello Mino! Adi hasn’t been home since last night! Do you know where he is?” Amana said in a worried rush. For a minute Mino stayed stunned, her senses not fully awake yet.
“What” she blurted out.
“Mino he didn’t come back last night! His phone is off! Mino? Mino? Do you know where he is?”
“No…” Mino croaked out.
‘Oh no! Adi where are you? Where did you go?” Mino thought desperately.
Adi had never done something so drastic. He was always the calm one, the wiser one. He didn’t jump into things like that. Mino’s lowers lip trembled and she bit her lip trying to stop herself from cr ying.
“No Amana I’m sorry I don’t know where he is. We. uh We…” ‘had a fight’ she finished in her mind.
“Oh okay, I’m sorry for disturbing you so early. But we are just so worried, even his friends don’t know where he is. His phone is off. He’s never something like this. Thank you Mino , please let us know if you know anything. You know how it is, Ami jii is already crying and were holding from telling Abu yet, or else you know how Abu would storm. I just hope he returns soon” Amana’s voice faltered at the end. Mino heard Amana say “No, she doesn’t know where he is…, yes I’ve asked” Then the line went dead. Mino felt her heart go dead too.
Mino sat in unable to think, of what do. Her fingers numbly tried his number on their own. It was switched off. Where could he have gone? Mino asked herself desperately. Horrid thought of something happening to him started to swirl in her mind, she fiercely kept them at bay. No, nothing could happen to him. Not so easily. Never the less she felt her fear heighten, she felt warm tears on her cheeks, her throat was burning. She found herself sobbing unconditionally.
“Its all my fault!” She cried. Oh she shouldn’t have said all that to him! He did love her. “Oh silly girl!” ‘Why had she said all that to him?’ she thought confused now. Through her tears and sobs she dialled his friend’s number which he had given in case of an emergency. Now was an emergency!
Through sobs and hiccups she managed to tell them how they had a row last night and he had left her early and disappeared. They were good friends, they listened patiently.
“Mino he really loves you, okay? Don’t worry he’ll be back. If not we’ll make sure he comes back. Now stop crying “At this they cut the call and set out to find him.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… …………………………
Adi looked helplessly as Mino vented her frustrations. He knew she was right, but she was wrong too! Yes he wasn’t able to give her enough time lately but it didn’t mean he didn’t love her! He would have heard everything but if it weren’t for her tears that landed a punch below the belt. Had he been so lost in himself that he pushed her over to tears? He had vowed never to make her cry. Adi felt a contraction in his chest. He couldn’t think of anything to say. He struggled to find the rights words. There were none. How could he console her? He had many times tried to explain to her that he had to work hard early in his career. It was pointless to go over it all over again. She just wouldn’t understand that. He felt a little angry too. Unable to discern between his mixed feelings of anger and the ultimate sadness he felt, he kept quiet and complied when she asked him to drop her off.
He stood there as she walked with slow dragged steps in to the hostel. She didn’t look back; she hadn’t said anything when she got off the bike. She hadn’t even held him tightly like she always did; there had been a wall between them. Seeing her back turned like that he felt the wall crashing on himself. Unable to control his fury and hurt, he waited until she was safely inside and roared the engine back to life. Even at full speed the bike couldn’t match his racing thoughts. He wandered aimlessly, heading for quieter and empty sides. He stopped for fuel only once.
It was well into the night when his fuel ran out again. He found himself in a deserted periphery of Lahore. Upon looking closely, he realized he was near the Ravi River. Instead looking for a nearby fuel station, he put the bike on stand and started walking towards the forgotten water body.
The night was its peak, the doors of heaven open. The moon shone in its majesty and the stars twinkled with a mischief air of a jester. Adi walked along the shore until he was exhuasted. He chose spot near the water, propping against a small rock, he sat there staring at the beautiful bed of river.
He marvelled at its beauty. It seemed as if the water ripples reached out to soothe his aching heart. A soft breeze played around with his hair. As if Mino’s light henna-ed fingers were playing in his hair.
Ah “Mino” He breathed out her name at last. Her picture swam lazily in front of his eyes. Her caramel hair, billowing in the water like silky corn hair. Adi felt a pang of longing as he thought of her shy smile. That little smile that played around the corners of her mouth. If flowers could laugh they would sound like Mino, thought he.
He took a deep breath. Mino would love to see this view. He remembered vaguely when she first came from Multan she would beg him to take her to the Ravi! She wanted to see the river, she had said. He tried to explain it was drying, there was no point. But as Adi sat there, he realized it wasn’t the Ravi that had dried but their love for it. He felt a little ashamed; the water bed in front of him was at its peak. They, Lahore’s had always taken it for granted, it was always there. It was they who did not come to visit it. Adi paused in his thought. Hadn’t Mino said the same thing? That he took her presence for granted? That she was always there, so he never bothered to take care of her.
Adi felt a little sick, He felt like a beast. What had he done! Like the Ravi, he had neglected Mino; she was drying up just like this river because of his negligence.
Adi fell about thinking what he should do for Mino. He couldn’t leave her like that; He was going to fix the mess he had made. Finally his ailing heart seemed to settle as he went over memories of her.
He remembered the first time he took her home, she had teased all the way that he never took her to see his parents, and when he had; her shocked face had been priceless. Adi let out a chuckle, remembering her trying to run away from his house. He had been so proud that day, he felt as if his chest would explode from the happiness; it had worked out so well. His family loved Mino and Mino accepted them no less. He thought of the empty tin boxes of Son Halva piling up in his house, especially his room. He loved Multani Son Halva. Mino made sure his supply didn’t run out. Adi felt a bubble of laughter building up inside him. He loved Mino; He would do anything for her. Yes, definitely, he thought.
A thin line of light begins to crack along the horizon. Adi watched entranced. His last thought before dozing off into exhausted sleep was “I’ll bring Mino here”.
Sunrays were fighting to get through Aid’s eyelashes and into his eyes. He woke up late in the morning. It was his roaring stomach that had actually woken him up. Adi’ got up and brushed the dirt off his clothes, looking at the Ravi, it no longer looked the same. Instead it was as if a sad maiden were lying there, waiting for her lover to return.
Mino. Adi blinked and suddenly groped in his pockets for his phone.
“Damn! She must worried!’ “Wait , his parents” “Oh No! He hadn’t gone home, He hadn’t told anyone!” A million thoughts flooded him, as he realized the escapade he had just pulled. Adi rushed to check his phone. It was powered off due to low battery. He vaguely remembered turning it to silent and the low battery sign. He wondered how many calls and messages had gotten through before the phone died. After one last look at the blue serpentine Ravi, Adi rushed off to find a fuel station and a charger. He had a family to answer and Mino. As he walked he hoped they weren’t too worried but knowing his mother and sister, he couldn’t expect anything short of a storm. He wondered if Mino knew, he had gone missing. Of course she would!
He sighed and started to sprint. ‘I’m coming Mino.”
“No! I don’t want to talk to you! Enough! I’ve had enough! You never have time for me. Always busy!
No! I don’t want to talk about this anymore! Do you have any idea how much it hurts me? All the things I do for you and you never seem to reply to them! Oh don’t give me the time excuse. Why don’t you understand?
I don’t want these things Adi; I want you, your time, and your attention! What will I do with these things? They can’t replace you. I’ve tried to a lot to understand, but when it’s obvious a person doesn’t care enough to stop and think about you for a minute, it’s time to leave. I think we should end this. You have more important things in life!”
Mino finally vent out all the anger building up for months inside her. She shook her head in frustration. Again he was the same as ever, nothing seemed to make a difference. He was as mute just like always. It hurt her even more.
He said nothing. He simply looked at her, she wasn’t looking at him.
“Can we please go home,” she finally said after a long painful silence. “please drop me off at my hostel”
He drove in silence. There was no exchange of the usual goodbyes, take cares, nothing. He always stood outside, until she reached her room and wave at him from her window. Today when she reached her window he was already gone.
Meeno, walked as if lead was tied to her feet. Why did it feel as if a mountain had crushed her, when she had finally lifted the weight off her chest of all the past grievances? With a heavy heart she changed and went to bed.
That night , if tears had colours, her pillow would have the most magnificent colours.
Her phone beeped. Without even bothering to switch it on, she pressed the power button off and closed her eyes.
Despite the pain and heaviness, the heavens favoured her by cloaking her in sleep.
Mino woke up some time later; she looked up groggily, reached for phone habitually. “Adi” the first word her mind said. Seeing her powered off phone, the reminiscences of last night flooded back to her. A pang of remorse ran through her. “Had she done the right thing? “
Without thinking she switched her phone on.
There was no message from him, no phone call, nothing. Just a random message from a university friend that had beeped last night.
Something inside her tightened, that was unlike him. He always messaged, no matter what. But maybe she had been right; he really did not care, he was glad to be rid of her. As she twisted and turned, something poked her back, she reached out find that it was “Olaf”. “Olaf “was the stuffed toy he had given her the first time they had met.
Holding it close to her heart, she thought of all their memories together and drifted off to sleep once more.
Mino was unsure if it was a dream or not. Adie was wearing a giant Olaf costume and waving at her. Mino remembered the softness of Olafs fur. The scene dissolved and Adi was wrapped in bright toffee wrappers; Mino distinctly tasted the flavours of those candies in her mouth. Despite wanting to reach out to him, she found herself shaking her head in refusal. His smile faltered and suddenly he was standing on a cake , that looked more like staircase with childish writing on it as icing. He was holding out his hand towards her. Mino wanted to take his hand but found herself paralysed. He’s wearing a fruit hat and dancing in front of her and again offered his hand. In the background his favourite ringtone was blasting ;Mino desperately wishes to reach out to him; she struggled against the invisible and unknown forces holding her. She shouted his name “Adi! Adi! Adi!’’ But there was so much noise he couldn’t hear her.
Mino woke up with a start, her phone was blaring like a siren. “Adi” She gasped and took hold of her phone.
For a minute she paused to look at the caller ID and disappointment hit her when she saw it’s not him but next second her panic flared up again. It was his sister calling! They know each other well, but why was she calling so early? Mino quickly swiped the phone on.
“Hello Mino! Adi hasn’t been home since last night! Do you know where he is?” Amana said in a worried rush. For a minute Mino stayed stunned, her senses not fully awake yet.
“What” she blurted out.
“Mino he didn’t come back last night! His phone is off! Mino? Mino? Do you know where he is?”
“No…” Mino croaked out.
‘Oh no! Adi where are you? Where did you go?” Mino thought desperately.
Adi had never done something so drastic. He was always the calm one, the wiser one. He didn’t jump into things like that. Mino’s lowers lip trembled and she bit her lip trying to stop herself from cr ying.
“No Amana I’m sorry I don’t know where he is. We. uh We…” ‘had a fight’ she finished in her mind.
“Oh okay, I’m sorry for disturbing you so early. But we are just so worried, even his friends don’t know where he is. His phone is off. He’s never something like this. Thank you Mino , please let us know if you know anything. You know how it is, Ami jii is already crying and were holding from telling Abu yet, or else you know how Abu would storm. I just hope he returns soon” Amana’s voice faltered at the end. Mino heard Amana say “No, she doesn’t know where he is…, yes I’ve asked” Then the line went dead. Mino felt her heart go dead too.
Mino sat in unable to think, of what do. Her fingers numbly tried his number on their own. It was switched off. Where could he have gone? Mino asked herself desperately. Horrid thought of something happening to him started to swirl in her mind, she fiercely kept them at bay. No, nothing could happen to him. Not so easily. Never the less she felt her fear heighten, she felt warm tears on her cheeks, her throat was burning. She found herself sobbing unconditionally.
“Its all my fault!” She cried. Oh she shouldn’t have said all that to him! He did love her. “Oh silly girl!” ‘Why had she said all that to him?’ she thought confused now. Through her tears and sobs she dialled his friend’s number which he had given in case of an emergency. Now was an emergency!
Through sobs and hiccups she managed to tell them how they had a row last night and he had left her early and disappeared. They were good friends, they listened patiently.
“Mino he really loves you, okay? Don’t worry he’ll be back. If not we’ll make sure he comes back. Now stop crying “At this they cut the call and set out to find him.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… …………………………
Adi looked helplessly as Mino vented her frustrations. He knew she was right, but she was wrong too! Yes he wasn’t able to give her enough time lately but it didn’t mean he didn’t love her! He would have heard everything but if it weren’t for her tears that landed a punch below the belt. Had he been so lost in himself that he pushed her over to tears? He had vowed never to make her cry. Adi felt a contraction in his chest. He couldn’t think of anything to say. He struggled to find the rights words. There were none. How could he console her? He had many times tried to explain to her that he had to work hard early in his career. It was pointless to go over it all over again. She just wouldn’t understand that. He felt a little angry too. Unable to discern between his mixed feelings of anger and the ultimate sadness he felt, he kept quiet and complied when she asked him to drop her off.
He stood there as she walked with slow dragged steps in to the hostel. She didn’t look back; she hadn’t said anything when she got off the bike. She hadn’t even held him tightly like she always did; there had been a wall between them. Seeing her back turned like that he felt the wall crashing on himself. Unable to control his fury and hurt, he waited until she was safely inside and roared the engine back to life. Even at full speed the bike couldn’t match his racing thoughts. He wandered aimlessly, heading for quieter and empty sides. He stopped for fuel only once.
It was well into the night when his fuel ran out again. He found himself in a deserted periphery of Lahore. Upon looking closely, he realized he was near the Ravi River. Instead looking for a nearby fuel station, he put the bike on stand and started walking towards the forgotten water body.
The night was its peak, the doors of heaven open. The moon shone in its majesty and the stars twinkled with a mischief air of a jester. Adi walked along the shore until he was exhuasted. He chose spot near the water, propping against a small rock, he sat there staring at the beautiful bed of river.
He marvelled at its beauty. It seemed as if the water ripples reached out to soothe his aching heart. A soft breeze played around with his hair. As if Mino’s light henna-ed fingers were playing in his hair.
Ah “Mino” He breathed out her name at last. Her picture swam lazily in front of his eyes. Her caramel hair, billowing in the water like silky corn hair. Adi felt a pang of longing as he thought of her shy smile. That little smile that played around the corners of her mouth. If flowers could laugh they would sound like Mino, thought he.
He took a deep breath. Mino would love to see this view. He remembered vaguely when she first came from Multan she would beg him to take her to the Ravi! She wanted to see the river, she had said. He tried to explain it was drying, there was no point. But as Adi sat there, he realized it wasn’t the Ravi that had dried but their love for it. He felt a little ashamed; the water bed in front of him was at its peak. They, Lahore’s had always taken it for granted, it was always there. It was they who did not come to visit it. Adi paused in his thought. Hadn’t Mino said the same thing? That he took her presence for granted? That she was always there, so he never bothered to take care of her.
Adi felt a little sick, He felt like a beast. What had he done! Like the Ravi, he had neglected Mino; she was drying up just like this river because of his negligence.
Adi fell about thinking what he should do for Mino. He couldn’t leave her like that; He was going to fix the mess he had made. Finally his ailing heart seemed to settle as he went over memories of her.
He remembered the first time he took her home, she had teased all the way that he never took her to see his parents, and when he had; her shocked face had been priceless. Adi let out a chuckle, remembering her trying to run away from his house. He had been so proud that day, he felt as if his chest would explode from the happiness; it had worked out so well. His family loved Mino and Mino accepted them no less. He thought of the empty tin boxes of Son Halva piling up in his house, especially his room. He loved Multani Son Halva. Mino made sure his supply didn’t run out. Adi felt a bubble of laughter building up inside him. He loved Mino; He would do anything for her. Yes, definitely, he thought.
A thin line of light begins to crack along the horizon. Adi watched entranced. His last thought before dozing off into exhausted sleep was “I’ll bring Mino here”.
Sunrays were fighting to get through Aid’s eyelashes and into his eyes. He woke up late in the morning. It was his roaring stomach that had actually woken him up. Adi’ got up and brushed the dirt off his clothes, looking at the Ravi, it no longer looked the same. Instead it was as if a sad maiden were lying there, waiting for her lover to return.
Mino. Adi blinked and suddenly groped in his pockets for his phone.
“Damn! She must worried!’ “Wait , his parents” “Oh No! He hadn’t gone home, He hadn’t told anyone!” A million thoughts flooded him, as he realized the escapade he had just pulled. Adi rushed to check his phone. It was powered off due to low battery. He vaguely remembered turning it to silent and the low battery sign. He wondered how many calls and messages had gotten through before the phone died. After one last look at the blue serpentine Ravi, Adi rushed off to find a fuel station and a charger. He had a family to answer and Mino. As he walked he hoped they weren’t too worried but knowing his mother and sister, he couldn’t expect anything short of a storm. He wondered if Mino knew, he had gone missing. Of course she would!
He sighed and started to sprint. ‘I’m coming Mino.”