Jake the spy

[ralphboats]

Concentration was not coming. The game was not tiring the fool. It was relaxing Tommy. The point was that he had to stop the rot sooner or later.
Sheltered Stephen was watching the television. There was not much on. He was trying to concentrate. Concentration was difficult.
'I am within a packet of crisps, dear.'
Emma knew he was an innocent bear in a corrupt woman's opinion. He was falling over trying to think something through. Where was the resolution?
Golf games were not the answer. There had to be an answer somewhere.

[Grit]

Concentration was not coming. The game was not tiring the fool. It was relaxing Tommy. The point was that he had to stop the rot sooner or later.
Sheltered Stephen was watching the television. There was not much on. He was trying to concentrate. Concentration was difficult.
'I am within a packet of crisps, dear.'
Emma knew he was an innocent bear in a corrupt woman's opinion. He was falling over trying to think something through. Where was the resolution?
Golf games were not the answer. There had to be an answer somewhere.

This one reads a lot better than some of your previous posts. That's the result of taking time and polishing your work. Now that you've taken the time to make your work readable, I will read it.

Look up the 'passive voice'. The passive voice injects itself into every line of prose above. The next goal for you is to reword the sentences to remove passive voice, while maintaining clarity of expression. Here is an example:


Concentration was not coming.

"Was" is the passive voice. The passive voice makes what you're trying to say seem uncertain or unimportant. Try replacing with verbs and detail.

All the best,

Grit

[ralphboats]

I've just bought a packet of verbs, Grit.