Symeon
10-15-2016, 05:41 AM
Hey. I wrote this short story for HSC creative writing task and wanted to get some opinions and feedback on it! Thank you for giving me your time.
____________________
His mind is animalistic, solely focused on survival. The cigarettes he smokes are a mere distraction, yet nonetheless soothing inside the cage of the city landscape. Standing alone on a blackened street, Vince rummages around his pocket before pulling out a bent cigarette, straightening it and popping it in his mouth. The lighter crackles with excitement and he sucks the first drag in deeply.
“Vince” a voice murmurs, accompanied by a hooded figure approaching. “I’m not sure I want to go through with this, man,” he mumbles, cautiously stepping under the cold glow of the street lamp. Vince pulls down the figure’s hood to reveal a tuft of silky blonde hair atop a familiar face.
“It’s too late to pull out, Carter.” Vince says sternly, not even considering a second option. His voice was distorted by the smoke and the trail rose and floated off into the crisp city breeze. “Trust me,” he beckons, “we can score heaps of money if we hit the right person.” The look in Vince’s eyes gives Carter a hint of reassurance. He agrees, not out of fear of losing Vince’s friendship, but in fear of losing everything he had left.
Carter purses his lips and looks skyward, searching for an answer. “Fine” he blurts, locking eyes with Vince. A smirk slides onto his face, “I’m in.” The pair converse back and forth before agreeing on a location and letting the cold city breeze carry them to their next destination.
Dressed in accidental contrast, Carter and Vince approach a long, narrow escalator that ascends to the game floor of the ‘Star Casino’. The pair begin scouring the area like two vultures circling their prey. Vince’s hawk-like gaze settles itself upon their first victim, a middle-aged, blonde-haired lady with a large, open-shoulder bag. Vince spits out his cigarette butt onto the blackened street and pinches Carter on the arm. The duo quickly shift into a familiar position; Carter in the front as the distraction and Vince stalking behind, getting his hands dirty. The trio step onto the elevator together and begin their ascent.
Wide-eyed with a beaming smile, Carter turns around and asks “You frequent here? You look too good to be hanging around here darling!” he says confidently, trying to draw as much attention to himself as possible. The woman stares deeply into Carter’s eyes as if searching for the answer within his soul.
“Sorry,” she blurts, “You just look like my son, he would have been around your age by now.” The lady raises her arm calmly and places a soothing hand atop Carter’s left shoulder. It was all too familiar for him – the gentle touch, the blonde hair… He knew.
Hearing her voice again struck him like a bolt of lightning, grinding his world to a halt. Carter had been tossed overboard into freezing waters where fleeting memories of his childhood were thrown about by the sea of thought. “You just remind me of my son” was on repeat inside of his head, churning over and over again like rough seas. Carter shivered as if cold waters had washed upon his shores.
It was her.
The very same day he took $20 out of his mum’s purse was the very same day the seed of corruption was planted. “It’s only $20” he kept telling himself, but it was more than that. “It’s the thought that counts, Carter” he remembers verbatim, sending a wave of disgust right down to the depths of his stomache. The shame in her eyes overtook the beauty as she brushed away the blonde hair suck to her tears. The pain was too much, he couldn’t stay.
Carter was snapped back into reality once he locked eyes with Vince. His previously cheerful expression on his face was replaced with a blank stare. The colour in his face had drained away and he was left a pale statue, frozen in time.
The speed at which Vince’s nimble fingers dove in and out of lady’s bag was astonishing, yet Carter was not interested; he was fed up. As the trio reach the top of the escalator, Vince and Carter slip off unnoticed. The lady pats down her noticeably lighter bag to discover that her purse is missing. “Couldn’t have been him, right?” she asks herself, cursing at her own ignorance and vulnerability. She begins to turn around in hope of finding her son waiting behind her, but she is alone, alone again after all these years. “It was only $20.”
Back at Vince’s dwelling, Carter could feel a lingering sense of regret amidst the cigarette smoke. “What if that was her? How can a child live with the guilt of robbing his own mother?” Carter sighed, dropping his head deep within his hands. “Tell me!” he roars.
“Don’t you dare raise your voice at me!” Vince snaps, the hunger in his eyes had returned. “What’s so bad? You haven’t even seen her in years!” he shouts, smoke still exiting his mouth.
A deep shade of red floods Carter’s face. He clenches his fists harder than ever before. “It’s not worth it” he reassures himself, watching Vince chain drag after drag. He licks his lips at the end of the cigarette like an animal after its meal. Carter’s eyes fell upon the worn packet, and then onto the door. He quickly snatches the packet and starts for the door, tossing the cigarettes outside onto the blackened street. The packet crushes under the weight of Carter’s foot. Done were the days of running from reality, he longed to be an honest man, not only for himself but for his mother.
Carter begins walking away from Vince’s dwelling and pauses to look back. His eyes meet the ferocious stare of what used to be Vince, now just a vulture curled up on the street, attempting to scavenge remnant cigarettes from the crushed packet. “Don’t look at me!” he croaks, “I don’t need you!”
A smile; the first genuine smile Carter has shown in years appears on his face. He turns his back towards Vince for the last time, feeling the crisp city breeze on his warm face.
“You’re right,” he pauses, “I don’t.”
____________________
His mind is animalistic, solely focused on survival. The cigarettes he smokes are a mere distraction, yet nonetheless soothing inside the cage of the city landscape. Standing alone on a blackened street, Vince rummages around his pocket before pulling out a bent cigarette, straightening it and popping it in his mouth. The lighter crackles with excitement and he sucks the first drag in deeply.
“Vince” a voice murmurs, accompanied by a hooded figure approaching. “I’m not sure I want to go through with this, man,” he mumbles, cautiously stepping under the cold glow of the street lamp. Vince pulls down the figure’s hood to reveal a tuft of silky blonde hair atop a familiar face.
“It’s too late to pull out, Carter.” Vince says sternly, not even considering a second option. His voice was distorted by the smoke and the trail rose and floated off into the crisp city breeze. “Trust me,” he beckons, “we can score heaps of money if we hit the right person.” The look in Vince’s eyes gives Carter a hint of reassurance. He agrees, not out of fear of losing Vince’s friendship, but in fear of losing everything he had left.
Carter purses his lips and looks skyward, searching for an answer. “Fine” he blurts, locking eyes with Vince. A smirk slides onto his face, “I’m in.” The pair converse back and forth before agreeing on a location and letting the cold city breeze carry them to their next destination.
Dressed in accidental contrast, Carter and Vince approach a long, narrow escalator that ascends to the game floor of the ‘Star Casino’. The pair begin scouring the area like two vultures circling their prey. Vince’s hawk-like gaze settles itself upon their first victim, a middle-aged, blonde-haired lady with a large, open-shoulder bag. Vince spits out his cigarette butt onto the blackened street and pinches Carter on the arm. The duo quickly shift into a familiar position; Carter in the front as the distraction and Vince stalking behind, getting his hands dirty. The trio step onto the elevator together and begin their ascent.
Wide-eyed with a beaming smile, Carter turns around and asks “You frequent here? You look too good to be hanging around here darling!” he says confidently, trying to draw as much attention to himself as possible. The woman stares deeply into Carter’s eyes as if searching for the answer within his soul.
“Sorry,” she blurts, “You just look like my son, he would have been around your age by now.” The lady raises her arm calmly and places a soothing hand atop Carter’s left shoulder. It was all too familiar for him – the gentle touch, the blonde hair… He knew.
Hearing her voice again struck him like a bolt of lightning, grinding his world to a halt. Carter had been tossed overboard into freezing waters where fleeting memories of his childhood were thrown about by the sea of thought. “You just remind me of my son” was on repeat inside of his head, churning over and over again like rough seas. Carter shivered as if cold waters had washed upon his shores.
It was her.
The very same day he took $20 out of his mum’s purse was the very same day the seed of corruption was planted. “It’s only $20” he kept telling himself, but it was more than that. “It’s the thought that counts, Carter” he remembers verbatim, sending a wave of disgust right down to the depths of his stomache. The shame in her eyes overtook the beauty as she brushed away the blonde hair suck to her tears. The pain was too much, he couldn’t stay.
Carter was snapped back into reality once he locked eyes with Vince. His previously cheerful expression on his face was replaced with a blank stare. The colour in his face had drained away and he was left a pale statue, frozen in time.
The speed at which Vince’s nimble fingers dove in and out of lady’s bag was astonishing, yet Carter was not interested; he was fed up. As the trio reach the top of the escalator, Vince and Carter slip off unnoticed. The lady pats down her noticeably lighter bag to discover that her purse is missing. “Couldn’t have been him, right?” she asks herself, cursing at her own ignorance and vulnerability. She begins to turn around in hope of finding her son waiting behind her, but she is alone, alone again after all these years. “It was only $20.”
Back at Vince’s dwelling, Carter could feel a lingering sense of regret amidst the cigarette smoke. “What if that was her? How can a child live with the guilt of robbing his own mother?” Carter sighed, dropping his head deep within his hands. “Tell me!” he roars.
“Don’t you dare raise your voice at me!” Vince snaps, the hunger in his eyes had returned. “What’s so bad? You haven’t even seen her in years!” he shouts, smoke still exiting his mouth.
A deep shade of red floods Carter’s face. He clenches his fists harder than ever before. “It’s not worth it” he reassures himself, watching Vince chain drag after drag. He licks his lips at the end of the cigarette like an animal after its meal. Carter’s eyes fell upon the worn packet, and then onto the door. He quickly snatches the packet and starts for the door, tossing the cigarettes outside onto the blackened street. The packet crushes under the weight of Carter’s foot. Done were the days of running from reality, he longed to be an honest man, not only for himself but for his mother.
Carter begins walking away from Vince’s dwelling and pauses to look back. His eyes meet the ferocious stare of what used to be Vince, now just a vulture curled up on the street, attempting to scavenge remnant cigarettes from the crushed packet. “Don’t look at me!” he croaks, “I don’t need you!”
A smile; the first genuine smile Carter has shown in years appears on his face. He turns his back towards Vince for the last time, feeling the crisp city breeze on his warm face.
“You’re right,” he pauses, “I don’t.”