How Can I Know?

[mirage]

How Can I Know?


Hark to bright stars of eve
That capture your sight while you recline.
No sound would you perceive
From sleeping creatures, except for mine,
My call for you,
And for love, too!

While we are set apart,
And whenever you hear my name spoken,
Put your hand on your heart
If you feel that your pulse hurries, then
I do the same
Hearing your name!

From your smile at my face
That you love me I could not extract
But when tears leave their place,
They would reveal me the happy fact
Then I could see
That you love me!

Always I used to keep
Thinking of you dreaming my time out
So you within your sleep,
Make me the one whom you think about
And if not so,
How can I know?

[ergill_sanchez]

I'm not a high authority on poetry, but I thought it was quite good. If anything, I suppose you should always be conscious of rythme and harmony. Not to say that this is any big problem in your poem, in fact you did quite well in these areas. I just felt that you could still do better. That is unless you have any alterior artistic motives that I was not aware of. Overall, you manage to be honest and serious about this subject without being pretentious. Good work.

[Admin]

I liked the style, but some of the structure was hard.

I feel that a poem should be able to be sung, so it needs a beat. Your stanzas start out as very singable, but the last 2 lines of each stanza just don't seem to flow with the rest. Its like you're going along and then you hit a wall.

But the diction and the rhyming is very good.

[Shea]

Actually, I have to disagree with Admin about the brick wall, no offence. ;) (but I'm no expert on critiquing poems) The last two lines of each stanza helped to bring me back to the words. I get lost in the rhythm of a singable poem and forget to read it.

Oh, welcome to site mirage! :D I found that to be a beautiful poem to start out with!

[Jay]

I would go with Shea, the last two short lines in the stanzas are a good idea, it has its rhythm, because they are repeated in the end of each stanza. I love the way you express yourself in this poem. And I agree with ergill_sanchez, quite a good job in the rhytmic area. Hope to see more of your poems. :D

[firestarter]

i would like to say that i do think that this is a very good poem. it's weird for me because i am not a very good criticist but i have to agree with admin.

Your stanzas start out as very singable, but the last 2 lines of each stanza just don't seem to flow with the rest
i could tell the rythm in the first few lines of your poem, but at the end you started to turn away from the rythym. other than that, i think it was rather good.
firestarter

[Munro]

mirage, it is a beautiful poem. Your rhyme as well as the images and mood the poem creates, as well as your subject matter were what made it, like everyone has said, beautiful.
I agree with firestarter though, it would do good for the poem if the last two stanzas were worked on in terms of rhythm. Also, consider switching some stanzas around or adding more, to give the whole piece more direction and purpose. What are you trying to say to your love? Are your affections towards the person general, or are they meant to tell something in particular?
As above, you are honest and passionate without sounding pathetic or pretentious. But like I said, it's very good, and will be perfected if you work on it more.
(Note to all: I am not an expert poem critic, nor am I trying to be).

[den]

Hi mirage... it's lovely, has a spiritual feel to it.

I too believe that poetry should be sung... :D :oops:

[Nora]

I do not know mirage but when I have my first reading I thought it is an easy, simple poem!! but suddenly I got confused. I think that Although this poem seems simple, it is sophisticated for me. I think that this poem is presenting an inner, personal voice of your heart but still there is something missing.unclear for us readers..

any way, It is my personal attitud and you did a great job. At least you are talent and know how to write a wonderful poem:)
good luck

[Eric, son of Chuck]

Hey there, Mirage. Sorry this has taken so long to reply to. I've kinda been on hiatus.

This seems to me to be in the style of the Cavaliers. In case you don't know what I mean by that, check out some of the works of Suckling and Lovelace. I'm assuming you do, though. It's quite obvious you have education in this area, likely a great deal more than me, a lowly first year student.

Overall, I quite liked your poem. I feel that rhyme and diction are often lost in modern poety. Nice to see some very skillful experimentation with it. -)

The first two lines of your third stanza strike me as being somewhat awkward. They seem to me to be thrown in and rearranged to make the rhyme with place and fact work. Then again, I could be entirely off, and those are very deliberate. Poetry is intensely personal, and even inviting criticism shows strength of character. (Note that I've never put any of my own work on this site)